| #1 ~Phoenix-Flame~ (lrar5pp75.alltel.net)[20589] |
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| Feel free to rate this if you want! If it gets a good reaction I'll write a chapter 2! |
| #2 ~Phoenix-Flame~ (lrar5pp75.alltel.net)[20591] |
|
There are a few grammatical errors, but those were caused by the cut paste from the wordpad file I wrote it in. Supid cut/paste! 8(
Well if you liked this chapter give me a posative response and more will follow suit. |
| #3 Nova_Sodium~S~ (PPPa1-CorpusChristi17-4R637.saturn.bbn.com)[20596] |
|
I like it. But since you made the setting in a Inbalanced real world situation. Where the protoss are much stronger than the game suggests. It seems like they are getting hammered by these miniscule terrans.
Start putting archons into the fray. No human would really survive 2 direct hits from this monster
Don't forget. Protoss stand over 10 feet high |
#4  (fjwilson.reshall.uc[20603] |
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| Protoss are also incredibly skinny. I liked it, but you need to make your chapters longer, methinks. |
| #5 ~Lord-of-Chaos~ (on-tor-blr-a58-02-981.idirect.com)[20605] |
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| Pretty intresting story line, well writen and leaves the reader wanting more... think of better names tho =Þ |
| #6 TheRubberDucky (dfiatx100-044.dsl.gtei.net)[20606] |
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| ack =[ this is an upsetting attempt =[ try harder |
| #7 ~Talon~ (cx110054-a.pwy1.sdca.home.com)[20642] |
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| I liked it... except for some spelling errors here and there, but I don't know what a role playing game is. Someone please tell me what it is and how you play, it just seems like you sit and listen to the story. Right? |
| #8 Jagged_Fang (boirel1.hp.com)[20747] |
|
I really liked the story. Can't wait for the Protoss counter attack. Sure the Terran scum might get a luck strike in and take the expansion, but never their main base.
Now get on that second chapter :)
Fight well,
Jagged_Fang |
| #9 Phat~RoD (cc564599-a.chmbl1.ga.home.com)[20785] |
|
hey, i was rather disapointed... way to short, boring as hell names, it rushes into the action, and needs to be much more descriptive... spend some more time on the next chaper, i like the way it leaves you craving for more, and you've set yourself up for a kick ass battle scene... just spend time to make sure u pull it off
oh yeah one more thing, typos look really unprofessional, proofread it and it'll be a lot better!
work a little harder, and you may have a winner! |
| #10 ~Phoenix-Flame~ (r-174.82.alltel.net)[20792] |
|
Thanks for the feedback. And one of those names was mine! Bah! Boring! BAH!!!!!! I tried to give them realistic names. In the game names for the terrans are things like Jim, Sarah...
Also, for Nova, I have not finished yet! The battle has just started and it is an areal battle for now. And this is just a made up game, taking place on Lost Temple. With experiance from writing chapters they should get better and better as time goes on!
Thanks for all the posative feedback! I'll write a chapter 2 soon, I will spend several hours making it longer, more interesting, and looking for typos and stuff!
Thanks! |
| #11 ~phoenix~flamer~ (user-33qtg9a.dialup.mindspring.com)[20797] |
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| Im tired of ppl stealing my names = |
| #12 <FONT COLOR=0033FF>Wisest~Yoda</FONT> (pm3-3-141.blueriver.mwt.net)[20799] |
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It was ok I guess. Only one MAJOR problem I had. I always thought of terrans as rednecks and the grammer in the dialogue was way too snobby-englishy. Maybe I'm wrong, overall it was pretty good I suppose. Not Praetor material tho. (Or Wisest~Yoda material <FONT COLOR="BLUE">:</FONT<FONT COLOR="RED">þ</FONT>
Wisest~Yoda
P.S. The color I used in my name is the exact opposite of Mogalin's trademark "orangy-yellow".
P.P.S I think that I invented the color smiley but maybe someone else did first, I've never seen one before though so that makes me cool:) |
| #13 (pm3-3-141.blueriver.mwt.net)[20800] |
|
shiat
smiley didnt work:)
lemee try again
<FONT COLOR="BLUE>:</FONT COLOR><FONT COLOR="RED">þ</FONT COLOR> |
| #14 wy (pm3-3-141.blueriver.mwt.net)[20801] |
|
ok
what the hell
one more try
<FONT COLOR="BLUE">=</FONT><FONT COLOR="RED">þ</FONT>
if it doesnt work here, some more-enlightened-htmlese person-than-me tell me what i did wrong |
| #15 There we go (pm3-3-141.blueriver.mwt.net)[20802] |
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<FONT COLOR="BROWN">(</FONT><FONT COLOR="BLUE">8</FONT><FONT COLOR="BROWN">'</FONT><FONT COLOR="RED">þ</FONT><FONT COLOR="BROWN">></FONT>
i hope dis worcks:) |
| #16 k (pm3-3-141.blueriver.mwt.net)[20803] |
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that sucked:)
im still html god tho |
| #17 phat (cc564599-a.chmbl1.ga.home.com)[21974] |
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| when the hell u gonna write chapter 2? |
| #18 phat[25375] |
| cc564599-a.chmbl1.ga.home.com |
| again.... when the hell u gonna write chapter 2?!?!?!? |
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