| #1 -MrCow-[39724] |
| tsmia3-136.gate.net |
| 1st?! |
| #2 ScreamStalker[39725] |
| slip-32-100-235-6.ca.us.prserv.net |
| yep, first attempt. |
| #3 ~)|(~[39737] |
| dhcp9563001.columbus.rr.com |
3rd damn
now ill read the report |
| #4 Executor[39744] |
| cache3.ihug.co.nz |
Very Awesome =] keep this up!
(Make the main character a carrier commander or something so he doesn't die so quickly =] |
| #5 <FONT COLOR=0000FF>RS.anime(RS)</FONT>[39749] |
| sfe-nm6-140.ix.netcom.com |
Author Clsque #1: Author avatars are always all powerful, and good at everything.
So-so work, but a good job for first time. |
| #6 P|-|3ARM3[39756] |
| r-174.95.alltel.net |
Excelent job, keep it up.
<center><b><h1><font color=red>9</font></h1></b></center> |
| #7 P|-|3ARM3[39757] |
| r-174.95.alltel.net |
| P.S. Thats not the rating you will get, but what I think you should get. |
| #8 PHA']['-MAN~PK[39764] |
| 1Cust41.tnt3.bradenton.fl.da.uu.net |
| good story. U should definitly keep on doing this. I like how in these fiction stories u include how the person goes through his actual day. Keep up the good work! |
#9  [39773] |
| as530009.infocom.com |
A very well written story but it left me with some questions that I feel should have at least been partially answered before the ending of the story.
First, the transfer from real world to SC world was kind of abrupt with no transition. I think you should at least hint at how the main character arrived in this "dream world".
Second, some of his thoughts as the battle was happening around him may have helped. His frustration at the person playing the game for not pulling the zealots back to base when it was obvious they were going to lose. His fear as the shields wore off. That kind of thing.
Finally, his death was very abrupt. You spent so much time fleshing out this character and then you killed him off in seconds. If he really is dead you should describe his death in more detail with more descriptions of the battle and the circumstances surrounding the battle. If he is still alive, you should at least have him wake up before ending part 1. That way the reader doesn't feel so cheated at having gotten to know your one main character, only to have him killed off very abruptly at the end.
Just my thoughts, again, an excellent job. A very smooth flow to the story. This definitely has potential, keep working with it.
8
Cheers,
Dref
|
| #10 Naveed[39775] |
| pcp017747pcs.tc.tufts.edu |
I really enjoyed this story, excellent job! =) But like others have already said, it was a little disappointing to have the main character so suddenly die. Hopefully this will be resolved in Part 2, which I sincerely hope there is one! =)
~Naveed~ |
| #11 ScreamStalker[39827] |
| slip-32-100-238-190.ca.us.prserv.net |
Whoa, an 8 from Dref. Bad ass. Thanks man, I was expecting like a 5. Hehe, you guys haven't let me get to part 2 yet. No, he's not dead. He's going to wake up in section B. But I wanted to leave you guys in a bit of a frustration so that you would be compelled to read the following chapters. You wouldn't beieve how much I would have liked to change in this story. I read through it like 19 times before posting it, and then I read it again and found a couple of things I would have liked to change. Amazing. I was also kind of rushing to finish this story which I probably shouldn't have done. I am hoping part 2 will be quite a bit longer and more dramatic, this just sort of set the stage for this plot. Glad it was liked. I already have several other ideas for stories once I have finished this series, and I have no clue how long this series will be. Once again, thank you for all your comments. Look for section B...well....definetly by Wednesday. I am going to try to get it up before this weekend is over, because I already have it laid out in my head and it's just a matter of getting it recorded on paper. Let me know what you want to see! What kind of unit should I use? Any suggestions are welcome!
ScreamStalker |
| #12 Mogalin[40061] |
| cgowave-0-224.cgocable.net |
I was quite impressed
Damn things like these keep me up late when I should be in bed
Make no more!!
Just kidding keep up the good work |
| #13 shockwave[40092] |
| exchange1.sensable.com |
I agree with Drefsab - more emotions during the actual battle *might* be appropriate, depending on what state of mind your character was in. Perhaps, though, he was just so overcome with bloodlust that none of those things mattered -- I know that when I'm competing in athletics or what not, I tend to just become a machine where pain and concern and things fade away completely.
To other posters - about him dying in the end, it's hard to critique a story when you don't know the end. I suppose that some of you might have thought this was a self-contained work, but it was pretty apparent to me that it was just one chapter. Thus, I fully expected him to wake up or what not after his "death".
Finally, one thing that was sorta cute about this story is that it reminded me "The Last Starfighter" (old movie :-b ) or "Galaxy Quest". In LS, the guy does really well at a Wing Commander - type video game, then gets recruited by the aliens who actually designed the game to based on a real galactic war they were waging. Kinda cute, huh? Maybe one day if Zileas suddenly disappears myseteriously, we'll realize that he was teleported away to command the real Terran, Toss, or Zerg armies in some faraway galaxy... :-).
|
| #14 R.A.G.E.[40509] |
| 1Cust118.tnt1.springfield2.ma.da.uu.net |
| yes yes yes very good, zileas getting teleported away to some far away galaxy LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL that would be funny, i remember that movie the last starfighter, in fact i think you have inspired me to go watch since i have nothing better to do =) |
| #15 Limp_Bizkit666[46236] |
| PPPa36-ResaleLosAngelesMetro7-2R7089.saturn.bbn.com |
errrr, how do you know my lifestyle so well? =]
hehehehe, anyways, pretty wierd stuff...
i think the storyline would have made more sense if Calvin was telling the story.. why? cause some details were missing, and the events were revolving around him...
it really sounded like it came from a 16 year old's mind...
anyways, off to read chapter 2!
byeya
p.s-BTW, i'm reading this after chapter 5 came out. =] |
Home
Forum
Starcraft Tournaments
