| #1 Psionic Pigeon[42278] |
| spider-tk013.proxy.aol.com |
| uh, riiiiight |
| #2 -MaNiAcMaRiNe-[42279] |
| dialin266.eagle.ca |
| Thanks goes out to Mogalin for helpin' me with tables! |
| #3 Fox^1[42281] |
| inehou-pxy03.compaq.com |
YAH! The Lakers won!!!! oh yah the BR...... you need work
Fox^1 |
| #4 Phoenix-S-[42288] |
| r-174.187.alltel.net |
A few things... Enemy commanders dont talk in battle except to *usually*
A)Demand surrendor
B)Surrendor
C)Bargin
And "Zeratul was deystroyed with it"...
WTF... You cant kill of a major character like that and have a good piece of work... A major character never goes down without some major event happening, or the work just seems... Well... Amateurish, at leaste to me... And I dont think terrans could deystroy an arbiter that fast... It is a common misconception that arbiters are just weak spellcasters... But they are, however, medium power warships. But their high cost makes them a last option choice for most combat, but I belive it is even mentioned int he manual that they are used as medium strength warships.
Also, I have some issues about the length... Hell, even MY fiction is longer than this! Sorry to sound cruel but you need a LOT, LOT more work. Take my advice and read a few novels... I suggest Terry Brooks, nice, interesting, and easy to read. |
| #5 Executor[42289] |
| cache3.ihug.co.nz |
LOL.. noway wraiths would all that shit they killed.. and aren't Raynor and Zeratul supposed to be friends.
Why didn't U include zerg in your story? hehe Like for example when Terran beat toss (yeah right) a huge fleet of zerg spaceships...uh I mean swarm of creatures attack and kick Raynor's army ass |
| #6 Phoenix-S-[42291] |
| r-174.187.alltel.net |
| Oh yes that IS a good point... Raynor is loyal to the protoss, who are, in a way, his only family. He would die for them without thought... AND WHY ARE THEY FIGHTING? No explination? None? None at all? |
| #7 -MaNiAcMaRiNe-[42292] |
| dialin182.eagle.ca |
Did it ever say Zeratul was dead forever. Everyone thought Kerrigan was dead. BUT NOOOOO. she wasnt. And i am saying that this is a new begginning and that Raynor was only loyal to Arcturus Megnsk!!!
|
| #8 Phoenix-S-[42295] |
| r-174.187.alltel.net |
Okay a quite rewrite of Zeratul death scene to at leaste make it more dramatic:
Out of nowhere a small missile exploded near the ship, and a wave of EMP could be momentarily seen spreading from the missile into the surrounding area. On the bridge of the arbiter there was complete panic, their sheilds were down and their energy reserves were depleted. They would have to fight or die.
Suddenly a pair of missiles impacted on the hull of the mighty arbiter, and knocked off one of the stabilizers, and caused damage to the engines.
On the bridge the navigator was doing what could best be described as the Protoss equivilant of screaming, "I've lost control! Engines are slowly losing power! Down to 50%! Ahh! Engineering, shut down engine 3 NOW! It's going to explode!"
Out of the haze and smoke, a wraith seemingly appeared out of nowhere, badly damaged, and heading directly on a head-on collision course with the arbiter. The photon disruptor cannon was fired, and evasive maneuvers were attempted, but to no avail. The craft slammed into the bridge of the ship, and plowed through the hull deep into the interior of the ship, shorty thereafter, exploding.
The explosion caused immense damage to the reactor cooling systems, and they began to malfunction as the now derlict craft plummeted earthward.
Seconds before it struck the reactor blew. At first the ship seemed to glow, seconds later cracks appeared and a blinding light appeared flashed outward through them, then the entire ship broke apart and disentegrated. It seemed to shrink for a fraction of a second before expanding into a huge fireball, which decimated the battlefield around it, taking many brave sons and daughters of auir, as well as a large number of the invaders, with it.
The surviving defenders looked around, in shock and confusion... The realization soon set in...
Zeratul was dead.
I belive what you took one sentance to describe I expanded into something longer than an entire chapter of yours... Sad.
Once again sorry to be so harsh but you should know better than to post this kind of crap 8( |
| #9 Bob-the-Zealot[42301] |
| spider-tl073.proxy.aol.com |
#1. Raynor would never attack the protoss.
#2. Arbiters are crewed by JUDICATORS, and Zeratul is NOT a judicator.
#3.Zeratul wouldn't talk like that, or even talk in battle much at all. Plain and simple, this fiction sucked. |
| #10 probe[42303] |
| 242849hfc133.tampabay.rr.com |
guys, be nice, isn't it obvious that this is an 11 or 12 year olds try at fan-fic?
It utterly sucks, yes, but at least tell him to read more books, so he can write better.
heh. |
| #11 Bob-the-Zealot[42304] |
| spider-tl073.proxy.aol.com |
| And another thing, Raynor HATES Mengsk for letting Kerrigan be infested. Too many plot holes, unless this is an alternate universe. |
| #12 Fox^1[42311] |
| inehou-pxy02.compaq.com |
Probe are you being nice? I am not sure to applaud that, or to run screaming into the hills. j/k
Fox^1 |
| #13 Aquamarine[42313] |
| nas-0-235.boston.navipath.net |
| I think some paragraphs should be used too in addition to revamping the piss-ass story. BTW i dont think he's 12, hes probably a retarded or drunk 15 year old. Ive seen those lil 12 year olds and they dont have the vocabulary to do that. |
| #14 =GvE=Fido[42321] |
| dialin245.eagle.ca |
| Heheheh |
| #15 Baxter-O'Bixby[42326] |
| palladio.CS.Berkeley.EDU |
Behave, boys, we don't want to discourage him from writing altogether. Marine, you've got potential, but a lot of the points above are valid ones. I'd stay away from featuring Blizzard characters in fanfics, except perhaps in brief cameos; it's a bit presumptuous to use them the way you did. It also wasn't too clear to me how the arbiter died... those buggers are pretty tough. And did you say it died to a plasma beam? This fits the description of many Protoss weapons, or perhaps a Yamato blast, but I didn't see any battlecruisers there (unless I was just skimming by that point), nor were there any traitorous dragoons.
Speaking of Tolstoy, what do y'all think about there being a second expansion, which would make StarCraft into a trilogy? I look forward not so much to additional units (mmm... protoss/zerg hybrid...) as I do to the continuation of the story. Or do you think Blizzard will just make an entirely new game, perhaps with an entire new race?
I've been spending too much time on the EM forum, I can tell. Must... control... urge... to... speculate! |
#16  [42359] |
| HNW0511.RESNET-STUDENT.UPENN.EDU |
this is wierd
and I don't disagree with most of the comments above. |
| #17 [z]RubberDucky[42384] |
| crtntx1-ar3-098-206.dsl.gtei.net |
| I for one, hated it. And I don't comment enough to have an opinion that matters anymore, so bye =] |
| #18 Phoenix-S-[42392] |
| r-174.187.alltel.net |
| Aww but we wuv u dux! You matter! |
| #19 {EkT}~Unibrow[42393] |
| KRLDA010-0494.splitrock.net |
Well, I REALLY don't matter.
You say this is part 1???
God! Please don't let this guy do more! |
| #20 ScreamStalker[42453] |
| 167.93.53.236 |
| Terry Brooks is good to read. There are these things called paragraphs? Hey, how come u didn't read any of my fictions prozerran? I feel neglected. Oh, and involving Kakarus in your story would have scored u a ten...cus dref loves Kakarus. |
| #21 Starookie[45471] |
| edtn009740.hs.telusplanet.net |
| You guys are fucking mean. Give him a break |
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