| #1 ScreamStalker[50781] |
| slip-32-100-236-84.ca.us.prserv.net |
| 1st 1st 1st. Yay. And 1st non-author...even though I am. |
| #2 The Asylum[50785] |
| ce-stjh-01-02-e0.cbl.nf.net |
| Heh, I read and should get second if nobody else posted. Nice job again, and you fixed the font problem. I'll keep the comments coming if you keep the stories coming. |
| #3 Sonneillon[50786] |
| tsdlsk01d01010128.sk.sympatico.ca |
Ummm... WTF. I am going to try and be nice here, but it's difficult.
*Expects to be heavily flamed for this*
I have been a huge fan of your reports since you did your first Dream Control, but this? Ummm... *collects thoughts*
Here, let me borrow some of your text:
"The Dragoon was smart, even in its reincarnated state. It danced around, allowing the Reaver enough time to reload, and fire yet another scarab at Plasma and myself. Once again, we both dodged certain death, vaulting straight over the sphere and resuming our charge. A disintegration bolt whizzed by my head, as I unloaded a volley of U-238 shells straight into the bulk of the alien spider."
"Two Zealots that had survived the initial battle that had been fought while I was dodging Reaver scarabs, leapt onto myself and my partner from behind. Without even thinking, I used the momentum of my attacker and flipped him over my shoulders onto the snowy earth. Surprise shown brightly in the Zealot's glowing blue orbs that I guessed he used as eyes, at the chance of encountering such a resourceful Terran marine. Again, I chuckled to myself as I retrieved my fallen gauss rifle from the ground, pointed it at the Zealot's albino forehead, and unloaded. It took me at least two hours to scrub the deep blue ectoplasm of my boots later that evening."
I know that is a lot of text, but something is REALLY bugging me about these battle paragraphs. Lol. Number one thing Scream, marines are not agile! You can't jump up and down and run around fast like you described in a heavy combat suit! (I am getting these facts from gameplay, and a little bit from Shockwave's wargames report). How could a Dragoon or reaver miss a shot at close range? A marine would take a shot in the chest and most likely die in painful agony. And, marines don't dodge scarabs. A little robotic explosive that moves like 10 times faster than a marine would be hard to dodge, especially when it is tracking him. (Again, I noticed that marines can't dodge scarabs in the game unless they are picked up in a dropship). =]
Two zealots vs two marines. They would have both had their backs ripped open! Why would a zealot "tackle" a marine would it could simply cut his spine in half with his blades? Come on man, only zerglings/marines with no ammo would tackle each other! The zealot blade requires no ammo, so even one zealot would have easily killed both marines.
Other than these unusual combat descriptions, the writing was excellent as usual. Jolly good show, except for these two paragraphs.
Flame away fellow ScreamStalker fans.
The Insane Goatee
Sonneillon |
#4  [50787] |
| 208.196.35.239 |
Damn Sonn, you were a little rough, but you do make some good points. Theoretically, its impossible for a marine to dodge a scarab because it is controlled robotically to target its victim. However, if you remember your Starcraft game, you know that sometimes reavers do misfire.
I think Scream is trying to create a character who is highly skilled and has an instinct for battle that is higher than your normal terran.
Anyway, enough defense of Scream. It was a good report although it did get a little slow at the end. I would like to have seen you develop that meeting a little more before ending part 2, but its your story so you have the ultimate control.
Lookin' forward to part 3.
8
Cheers,
Dref |
| #5 Mogalin[50788] |
| co853273-a.foti1.on.wave.home.com |
| I always look forward to these, I enjoy your fictions over all others. Yes <i>all</i> others, even .Praetor. |
| #6 ScreamStalker[50800] |
| slip-32-100-235-54.ca.us.prserv.net |
Hehe, thanks for the comments,...and criticism. Sonn-You make some very solid points. But you must remember, my writing is coming more from a point of imagination rather than actual game play facts, even if it is a bit far fetched. As for akward paragraphs, well, sometimes that happens, and the writing doesn't flow as smootly as the writer intended. Unfortunatly, that happens alot with me. But your criticism was at least intelligent and well thought out, rather than the usual, "you have no life you suck" comments. Dref- I love it when you rate me. Mog- you're cool man, even though you did kick my ass severly in that one ladder game....keep um rolling guys.
<b><font color="white">ScreamStalker |
| #7 Dark-Berzerker[50814] |
| d42-kt01-ktnr-pdi.attcanada.net |
| looks cool, i want more, NOW |
| #8 os-nuitari[50816] |
| 1Cust125.tnt1.nashua.nh.da.uu.net |
pretty good writing, but i agree with Sonneillon. your marine is a little unrealistic... (he flipped a 9 foot tall, id say at least 280 pound that could have easily swiped his head off with a psi blade right over his back.)I really dont intend to steer you off course or anything, but tone that dude down a bit and it would be a better story.
ps- scarabs home in on things =) |
| #9 <font color="yellow"><i> Executor </i></font>[50834] |
| cache3.ihug.co.nz |
Yes I agree too the writing is excellent, but as Sonneillon said it was unrealistic. In real life a marine would never penetrate Zealot's shield or own a dragoon. Dodging a scarab is impossible from such a short range.
Otherwise an awesome report |
| #10 [z]RubberDucky[50836] |
| crtntx1-ar3-099-004.dsl.gtei.net |
okay, this is pretty good, but I have to take this perfect opportunity to insult mog's taste
mog praetor ownz ur bonez
- Ducky, the super wierd nutso praetor loyalist |
| #11 BackStabingLiar[50860] |
| 63.239.42.130 |
This was great bro, really liked the battle, even if it wasn't anatomically correct. I got a feeling who the guy at the desk is, heh heh. Ok nice work
peace
BackStabingLiar |
| #12 ~PL~CloudStrife[50864] |
| ci991207-b.edgewd1.ky.home.com |
Whoooo! Another great by ScreamStalker! .Praetor has done amazeing work. ScreamStalker will be the next .Praetor! I don't understand why sonnelion and the others think that is unreal that a marine could flip zealot. In the game all you see is the marines shooting (or danceing, in micro's case.) and zealots running up and slashing. Who says if this was real that a marine couldn't do that?
7 |
| #13 ~PL~CloudStrife[50865] |
| ci991207-b.edgewd1.ky.home.com |
| Oh damn, I meant a 10! =( |
| #14 Limp_Bizkit666[50871] |
| whv-ca3c-26.rasserver.net |
yep, the fonts and all was much better...
yet, despite the very detailed descriptions of your writing and admist the interesting plot, i found the mistakes you made in the first chapter..
well, maybe they are not mistakes because i'm not perfect at grammar either, but i think they might be..
"I had read up on my Protoss customs, and I recalled that the Reaver discharged a small electromagnetic impulse called a scarab." and NUMEROUS other sentences had unnecessary commas..
the commas are meant as a resting poinr. so when you put them in the middle of a sentence that is meant to be one idea, it really cuts the flow of the story...
i mean, if it was one or two, i would surely understand... but i have mentioned it for chapter one, and i found it again...
remember...even if you had gotten an 8, if you don't correct the same mistakes that you had the first time, you can't expect to get a same rating for the second one...
i still liked the storyline as i said, and your descriptive style. but combination of your descriptive style and your neccessity to make longer sentences with commas kinda ruined it for me...
oh well, a 7 is a good score.. (like it matters.. =[)
byeya
p.s-CHAPTER 3!! WHEEEEE!
|
| #15 ScreamStalker[50885] |
| slip-32-100-235-213.ca.us.prserv.net |
| So I'm a comma whore. |
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