| #1 Monty Pylon[77198] |
| spider-tf074.proxy.aol.com |
This is a little piece of fiction I've been working on. I just want some feed back on it and don't expect this to be rated. I had to adapt it to non-paragraph form to fit eith the BR written mode. What do you think?
comment comment comment |
| #2 Ckane[77199] |
| c209662-a.haywd2.sfba.home.com |
| First non-author |
#3  [77202] |
| 208.196.35.239 |
Wow, a lot of stuff here. Its great that you are working so hard to keep me entertained at work this weekend... :) Basically what was said of Overmind's story can be said here as well with the exception that you did try to develop the president's character although it seemed generally superficial.
Also you had a pretty abrupt ending here. I really think you should try to come to some sort of conclusion before releasing something to the public. Especially due to the fact that you started to develop a character (the college student) and then just left it hanging.
Since the story isn't finished and you don't expect it, I won't rate. However, I feel that the premise is not entirely realistic. The political climate that you portray seems to be very oversimplified and I just don't really see any plausibility in it.
One specific problem is the dating of the Tienamen square massacre. You might want to check your calculations because I know for a fact that it didn't take place in 1999... :)
Cheers,
Dref |
| #4 ????[77205] |
| 00-60-97-d5-1d-d0.bconnected.net |
| <img scr=screen04.pcx> |
| #5 Monty Pylon[77214] |
| spider-tf023.proxy.aol.com |
| This actually this is a story that has eleven chapters. I had to change the dates and I guess the square was a missed detail. I started this in 99 so it was a little outdated. I even metioned Y2K in the earlier version. |
| #6 HKRules[77217] |
| c319144.extern.lawrenceville.org |
| gettin a black background would be good fer mah eyes |
| #7 .[77241] |
| 24-216-14-15.hsacorp.net |
| this sucks. |
| #8 CKane[77262] |
| c209662-a.haywd2.sfba.home.com |
*yawns*
IMHO you should can this one. Start anew, with another series that is not so complicated and so simple at the same time...
I can't rate it, cus I got bored and quit reading ;)
<SCRIPT LANGUAGE="JavaScript">alert ('The Mad JavaScripter Strikes Again!');</SCRIPT> |
| #9 the()vermind[77355] |
| user-2ivecju.dialup.mindspring.com |
| your losing your touch monty, I have to say this isn't nearly as good as your last fitcion. First of all, it sorta is like mine, but I know you didn't copy it. Also, all the countries in the world uniting is sorta un realistic, also, a bunch of other facts are un realistic. I say, scrap the novel, and stay with fan fics, I'm abandoning mine mainly for the fact of the poor reception, I suggest that if you do coninue this, update it to the times. Also, I don't know where the hell your going with this, and come on, Spain being the villian? A bit unrealistic if you had to ask me |
| #10 Monty Pylon[77382] |
| gateway.Culinary.EDU |
| this is a working novel to be precise. It is very long now and I have updated a bit. I don't think that being realistic is good for a fiction. Otherwise it's not fiction. I will not post on BR.com because it is a different group who like my furious fan fic and not a drawn novel. |
#11  [77402] |
| HNW0511.RESNET-STUDENT.UPENN.EDU |
| Tienamen square massacre is on June 4, 1989, around 5am. =[ |
| #12 John Remenda[147856] |
| prnask01d020201111.sk.sympatico.ca |
| I think that the chinese government shoudn't have done what he did to the students that protested for domocracy at the tienanmen square.The chinese government should get another job, or I Should say exiled for the massacre of the STUDENTS THAT PROTESTED. |
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