| #1 JawaAvenger[84563] |
| ool-18bc0745.dyn.optonline.net |
| First! |
| #2 Normandy-1944[84565] |
| spider-to085.proxy.aol.com |
| Ummm...It sucked? |
| #3 s1utty[84569] |
| host-216-76-218-66.dab.bellsouth.net |
| dude... take this fanfic and shove it up your ass? more brs plz? |
| #4 ^Geist^[84573] |
| po30.serviceplus.ab.ca |
| Same thing what #2 and #3 said |
| #5 Arc@nE13[84576] |
| 213.166.21.132 |
| 5th,even closer than before,same thing as #4 said!!! |
| #6 the()vermind[84579] |
| 63.73.118.131 |
| sometimes if information stares you in the face you don't really get the message. Well, maybe I should make something clear, PEOPLE CURRENTLY HATE FAN FICS! Unless of course if the fan fics are good, which we don't see much of these days |
| #7 Arc@nE13[84580] |
| 213.166.21.132 |
oh some side notes:
its Koprulu not Korpula
megamandra wtf is this
Klaxxons????
captured valkeye:1st its Valkiry
2nd its already a terran unit so no need to "CAPTURE"it
enmy:new deffinition for foe
what kind of a name is Mercadoc
i dont know how to say this without offending u but here goes nothing:DIE YOU BIG FAT FLOPPY DONKEY DICK!!!! |
| #8 Arc@nE13[84581] |
| 213.166.21.132 |
| althoug im not a great fan of yours ()vy,i think for once i agree with you!!! |
| #9 BOBBY357[84582] |
| spider-mtc-ti062.proxy.aol.com |
| k sorry. i wont submit anymore ever. |
| #10 BOBBY357[84583] |
| spider-mtc-ti062.proxy.aol.com |
| i shouldve known not 2 submit a fanfic. i hate them myself along w/ just about every1 in the whole community. so i wont make ne more crappy fanfics....ill make crappy BRs!!!! yah thats it! well ill try 2 kame em good..... |
| #11 CKane[84584] |
| c209662-a.haywd2.sfba.home.com |
"Admiral Rorik, I'm picking up a large number of alien craft approaching rapidly from sector 4!" he hastily yelled into the comlink.
That was a really awful attempt at description. Fan-fic is not your strong point :(
I suggest you discontinue, lest you incur the wrath of all BR.com (which is formidable) |
| #12 CKane[84585] |
| c209662-a.haywd2.sfba.home.com |
| Oh, I'd give it a 4 |
| #13 CKane[84586] |
| c209662-a.haywd2.sfba.home.com |
| Your main problem was that you tried too hard. Writing should come naturally. :p |
| #14 BOBBY357[84591] |
| spider-mtc-tb032.proxy.aol.com |
| CKANE: pissing the fuck off should come naturally. :p |
| #15 BOBBY357[84592] |
| spider-mtc-tb032.proxy.aol.com |
| but... i will take your wise advice and discontinue the series. |
| #16 Arc@nE13[84593] |
| 213.166.21.132 |
| i dont whant to disencourage u man just place some more efforts in your work,but not that much as someone already said |
| #17 ThieverIV[84596] |
| spider-th082.proxy.aol.com |
I'll have to agree with everyone else: this sucked.
"Code Black?" the captain asked the Admiral barely above a wisper. Admiral Rorik solemnly nodded and continued staring at the slaughter taking place around the ship, tears swelling in his eyes."
This isn't in character with your character. Yes, the previous sentance made sence. Anyway you know what I mean. |
| #18 Hawk[84598] |
| user___4.nf.sympatico.ca |
| Way too short, decent diction level but not much more. Discontinue :| |
| #19 iggy[84633] |
| 106.los-angeles-01-02rs.ca.dial-access.att.net |
| Jew. |
| #20 Cearas[84647] |
| cache03.syd.optusnet.com.au |
| Nigga. |
| #21 BOBBY357[84665] |
| spider-wm043.proxy.aol.com |
| great. now im a jewish nigga :(. |
| #22 TheVictim[84676] |
| 155.176.112.77 |
Ok, here is some actual criticism that might help. One the minus side, there is ZERO characterization in this installment, probably due to its brevity. However, on the plus side, your narration of the battle action was very easy to follow and visualize. Battle action is a weakness in my writing, which is why you don't see much of it. :P
Keep the action, and flesh out the characters a bit.
|
| #23 SoY~b0mB[84767] |
| c1457880-a.sttln1.wa.home.com |
| Sorry, guy. I just don't like fanfics. Period. This one wasn't EXTRAORDINARILY, bad, I guess. |
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