| #1 sm0rk[89932] |
| dubax1-222.dialup.optusnet.com.au |
| 1st |
| #2 Ling-erie[89934] |
| igw-se.astra.com |
| 2nd and a goat |
| #3 Ling-erie[89935] |
| igw-se.astra.com |
Erm, beautiful...... it's not really a BR though!
I didn't read it all but i read enough, the writing is easy to read and the style is good, makes u wanna read more really, if i hadn't got work to do instead, ah well! |
| #4 <font collor=yellow> |]agomar[89936] |
| static-44.itcanada.com |
Thank goodness I posted it in "Other" then, Lingerie =)
Thankee for the good comments =D |
| #5 Cearas[89947] |
| proxy.pth.iprimus.net.au |
| Hey whoa cool, very very nice. |
| #6 CaughtNaked[89966] |
| 205-222-88-120.mcps.k12.md.us |
<i>|]agomar > me times 10 =) That okay though, I know that no one will belive me when I say that my last two reports were from the wrong disk =( But thats okay, I feel better at least saying it. Dag you want me to send you the WHOLE fan fic, with typos fixed? And clan rater I got confused with Clan Battles. O wells, I sux gw with the novel though, I wish everyone would post in other...</i>
t2yl,
~CN |
| #7 [ScV][89973] |
| p159-apx1.syd.ihug.com.au |
When I opened the comments section the quote at the top was
"die Fanfics"
-T_Mac
Good to Go
ScV |
| #8 IamGOOD[89978] |
| npcomet.n-polk.k12.ia.us |
I am good!
I received#8!
I am Good!
I am better than you!
Play me and you will lose!
Loser!
I am good!
Now Scram! |
| #9 outsider[89981] |
| AC8A340D.ipt.aol.com |
| too much text for my .5 second attention span :[ sorry |
| #10 Nafarias[89982] |
| 170.89.17.110 |
You asked for a critique and you’ll get it. No one ever got no better being told they was doing everything right. Keep that in mind when you read what I have to say and lump my comments under ‘he was trying to improve my writing’. I’m not attacking YOU, I’m showing where your writing needs attention. Your teacher should have his ears bolloxed for not doing the same. This wasn’t bad for a first draft, but A+ work it isn’t. This of course depends on your age I guess. If you are a 1st through 4th grader then you have gone above and beyond and deserve a pat on the back. If you are over 15, then break out your elbow grease and read on.
ONE – YOUR OPENING PREMISE
It is not necessary at all for you to go into the whole airplane sequence. You are essentially clubbing your audience over the head to explain that the setting of this fantasy world is ‘somewhere’ between Earth and heaven. I didn’t see anything in the subsequent text that required such an overt methodology of introducing your world. You would probably have done much better off to set the story in a fantasy world with no mention of ‘Earth’ as you know it at all. Mentioning Earth implies that Earth itself will have some role to play in the world. Your story (at least so far) does not suggest that Earth has anything to do with your fantasy realm other than a dumping ground for people on Earth that have died. You may do better to imply Earth as another realm rather than have the superfluous jet crash scene. Take Tolkien as an example. He didn’t beat readers up with the notion that Middle Earth was ‘pre-history Earth’. He left it all unsaid and left it up to the reader to decide. In the end, it was a much more powerful approach than if he came out and told readers what he was doing.
POINT OF VIEW
Your point of view meanders a lot. You need to pick one POV and stick with it. Sometimes you have a 1st person, but other times you jump to 3rd Person Omniscient or 3rd Person Limited. Ask your teacher about POV and see what he can give you on the matter. There are tons of texts that exclusively discuss POV. Most fantasy falls into 3rd Person Limited Omni. From what I read, you would probably be better off using that than 1st person or 3rd Person Omni.
STYLE
Your writing style is awfully rushed and undisciplined. Things are happening at light speed in your work, and you need to slow down and take your time with events. You can’t take a human, dump him off in a new world and then just go off on your adventure without some backstory, history, internal agonization, and all kinds of other stuff. Instead, the main character starts off newly reincarnated and goes off bull-by-the-horns. Your characters are introduced (and often discarded) in the same rushed manner. This is typical of new writers, who often try to tell too much too fast. If you REALLY want to make this a novel, stop treating it like a short story. If you are under a 500 word limit or something then this is excusable. If you are writing for pleasure with the intent to publish, then there is no need for you to zip through the story so fast.
You also are mixing a lot of ‘Earth’ colloquialisms in your world in a manner than pulls the reader out of the story too much. One example (though there are others) is when you measured something as ‘six Earth feet’ in height. That smacks readers upside the head. Just say ‘six feet’ and leave it at that. There are lots of ‘little’ things like that in the text that I just don’t have time to go into right now. Needless to say, either cut ALL ‘Earth’ language/reference from your text, or at least don’t beat your readers over the head with it.
CHARACTERIZATION
Your characters are also quite a bit muddled. The central character that ‘dies’ in the jet crash seems awfully non-plussed about his new status as a reincarnated being in a fantasy world. He just accepts things as they come without even mentally questioning them. His new ‘name’, the guy with his half-eagle, the dwarves, the whole thing he just swallows without any sort of introspection at all. Since he is our main character, we ought to have more empathy for him and a bit more of his ‘take’ on things.
Most of your other characters are fairly one-dimensional in nature. They are like bit actors doing a walk-on. They don’t really have any endearing traits, or history, or anything to make us care about them at all. They are more like ‘padding’ stuffed into the tale just to give you a full roster of characters to play around with. Where did they come from? Why should we care about them? What are their wishes/desires? 100% of your characters (main character included) are in desperate need of fleshing out.
PLOT
Your entire plot is pretty simplistic and episodic. This isn’t necessarily a ‘bad’ thing, but you have to couch it in a lot stronger background than what you have. Robert Jordan has made a career of bad, episodic novels, but he burys that fact underneath a ton of history and some pretty strong characters. Readers forgive Jordan his simplistic plots because they are so rapt in the history/setting/people. Your text has none of those strong points to disguise the transparent plot.
Your premise for the adventure is nebulous. Why in the world is Cerlo going with these dwarves and the Wyvern. “You will be our companion…” is the only reasoning at all. That isn’t good enough. Make your plot more apparent. The flimsy “we go Elorin to plot our future endeavors” is also pretty weak. Give your history first. The conflict (such as it is) is pretty flummoxing as well. Who is ‘the enemy’? What are his motivations?
These are just a few places to start. Your work contains some nice language and decent descriptions. But if you really want to publish this, then you are going to have to go back to the drawing board and repair your story. The premise is fine (reincarnation, world where everything is sentient, etc…) but you have to reframe the basic premise a bit and retool your characters, plot, POV, and style.
|
| #11 MatriX(SR)[89985] |
| chpxy02-chrtr02.ne.mediaone.net |
| whoa i don't think i have the patience to give as much constructive criticism as that, he has me beat. eh. |
| #12 <font color=yellow> |]agomar[89992] |
| static-20.itcanada.com |
A) I didn't ask for criticism
B) I disagree with all of it. The plane sequence was good because it provides contrast and lets the reader know
With regards to the character, you obviously didn't read this right. He has no idea what happened in his previous life . . . he doesn't even really know how he got where he is. He is a central character, yes, but not overly so.
With regards to my characters - you don't seem to understand them. Characters develop as the story proceeds. As it continues they will blossom . . . as they are already doing. What do you want me to do, come out and say "hm, here's a wyvern, he's big and is also an exhibitionist, but yes he's wise and - you guessed it, a bit fierce. What do you say to that wyvern? 'arrr, yes.'"
Also, with regards to the simplistic storyline . . . um, it hasn't started yet. This is only a sort of prelude. You have no idea what I have planned . . . but the next section will teach you. They are just about to have their meeting now, which will reveal all.
This may not appeal to everyone. But before you reply like Nafarias just did above, take this in its contest, and do some thinking. Also, Nafarias, you may want to fix your grammer. "No one ever got no better" = no thanx.
Finally, my teacher, being a novelist of some acclaim, > you. Therefore I will listen to her. I will suggest to you that next time you reply as a person over the age of 15, and do some hard thinking. |
| #13 <font color=yellow> |]agomar[89993] |
| static-20.itcanada.com |
| Also, the plane sequence is original, and communicates some of my ideas of death - which is, in writing, what we call "depth." |
| #14 <font color=yellow> |]agomar[89994] |
| static-20.itcanada.com |
One last thing . . . you ask all kinds of questions as to who the enemy is and what the motivations are for going on the trip . . . the reason I haven't discussed those yet is to cultivate an atmosphere of mystery . . . all will be revealed at the meeting they are about to have. The enemy and the reason for the trip are gnawing questions in the back of Cerlo's baffled mind.
I would agree with you in one thing: there must be a greater reason he sets off in the first place, some short explanation. Novels, by the way, don't have to linger on things forever. I personally prefer fast-action, deep novels, even though the pace of this one is about to slow somewhat. |
| #15 sadf[89998] |
| cr926028-a.rct1.bc.wave.home.com |
| dsaf |
| #16 sdaf[89999] |
| cr926028-a.rct1.bc.wave.home.com |
| sadf |
| #17 SilverLeafTree[90003] |
| c519836-a.iowact1.ia.home.com |
| AHHHHHHH!!! do you really expect me to actually read all of this? the reason i'm on br.com is because i need distractions from my homework that last 5-10 minutes. |
| #18 Nafarias[90005] |
| 170.89.17.110 |
“A) I didn't ask for criticism…”
The mere act of posting the text is asking for criticism… :) Whether you WANT it or not is another matter.
“B) I disagree with all of it.”
Okay – but be ready to provide substantive reasoning behind the disagreement. Writing is an art form and there is room for ‘creative differences’. However, there are some obvious weak points in the writing that you don’t seem willing to accept as areas where you could use some polishing. Don’t be surprised when rejection slips start falling like confetti.
“The plane sequence was good because it provides contrast…”
Contrast to what specifically? It is a very brief blurb at the very beginning of the text that is immediately discarded as any viable plot point. The question becomes – does the text suffer AT ALL if it is removed. The answer is ‘no’ – therefore you have to consider whether it adds anything to the tone. That’s debatable, especially since it is so short. I’m not saying you should eliminate it totally per se. I’m saying it doesn’t serve as a credible starting point unless you are willing to provide more information than you did. This is our main character, and so far you’ve given no background, no history, no feelings, no emotion, or any other real reason why we should care two beans about him. He crashes, dies, and gets thrown into a fantasy setting with very little supplied reasoning. Take your time with the introduction if you consider it to be so critical.
“and lets the reader know with regards to the character, you obviously didn't read this right. He has no idea what happened in his previous life . . . he doesn't even really know how he got where he is. He is a central character, yes, but not overly so.”
No – your entire work is from this fellow’s perspective. He IS your main character. Unless later on you leave him alone and go with someone else. But at least for a while he is the end-all-be-all focus around which everything else is supposed to revolve. And if he has no idea what happened in his previous life – why mention the plane crash at all? Drop him in the world and let him unravel his origins as he goes instead of giving a weak, very short history that immediately becomes irrelevant.
“With regards to my characters - you don't seem to understand them.”
Lol
“Characters develop as the story proceeds.”
Duh – but you don’t introduce them in a big bunch all at once like you did. Within a very short chapter or two you introduce the main character, a wizard, three dwarves (one a KING no less!), a wyvern, and some other ancillary references. You say nothing about them of any substance. Name me one good fantasy that introduces so many main characters in such an abrupt manner and you win a prize! Answer – there IS no such book that does it because it is foolish to do. Yes you develop ‘as you go’, but you don’t drop 8+ characters in a reader’s lap all in a second either.
“As it continues they will blossom . . . as they are already doing.”
They haven’t exhibited any blossoming so far beyond your main character’s confusion, ignorance, and the presence of an enigmatic ‘enemy’ whose motivations are wholly unexplained.
“What do you want me to do, come out and say "hm, here's a wyvern, he's big and is also an exhibitionist, but yes he's wise and - you guessed it, a bit fierce. What do you say to that wyvern? 'arrr, yes.'"”
No – but you don’t drop a Wyvern in a party with no backstory and without the member of the party so much as batting an eyelash. Even our hero who is totally ignorant of this whole world doesn’t so much as shrug his shoulders at the presence of a huge, scaly beast. He acts like it is as natural as sleeping.
“Also, with regards to the simplistic storyline . . . um, it hasn't started yet. This is only a sort of prelude”
This is not a prelude. You are jumping into a main storyline. If this is a ‘prelude’ then it is even more royally in need of a rewrite than an actual book. This is totally NON-prelude stuff so far.
“You have no idea what I have planned . . . but the next section will teach you. They are just about to have their meeting now, which will reveal all.”
I’m afraid you are still moving way too fast with this. Look at Jordan, Goodkind, Rowling, Tolkien, or ANY fantasy of any note. What you have done in less than 14 pages, they would take a full 150 to 200. Sorry Dag, this isn’t a slap against YOU again (please keep that in mind). This is a statement about the writing. It is a bit clunky, undisciplined, and hasty. Ignore me if you will, but I’ve got 20+ years of writing under my belt so I’m not talking out my hat.
“This may not appeal to everyone. But before you reply like Nafarias just did above, take this in its contest, and do some thinking. Also, Nafarias, you may want to fix your grammer. "No one ever got no better" = no thanx.”
LOL – this just proves to me that you have trouble with tone and style in general. If you didn’t pick up that ‘no one never got no better being told they was doing everything right’ was a designed stylistic register, then you need to either brush up on sarcasm, or style. As far as ‘taking it in context’ – what context? You have provided NO context for your work at all so far in the sense of saying ‘why’ you are writing it. You say you hope to publish someday. If so get ready for a lot harsher criticism than what I’ve leveled. I could have been 10X more brutal, but I held off. Believe me – I hadn’t even gotten warmed up. But I figured I’d better school in the basics before I moved on. Whatever.
“Finally, my teacher, being a novelist of some acclaim, > you.”
If that’s true – she should be giving you useful advice instead of tossing 100% scores at you. Any writer with a little experience would point out the same stuff I have. Seriously though – I’ll call you on the matter. What is her name? What has she published? “A novelist of some acclaim” could mean she used a vanity press and published a novella about her own family history for all I know. Now if she is Anne McAffery, Mary Eddings, or a REAL fantasy author then you may have a point. I doubt it though, to be honest. Most REAL authors are writing – not teaching in high-school or college.
“Therefore I will listen to her. I will suggest to you that next time you reply as a person over the age of 15, and do some hard thinking.”
Far be it from me to actually suggest that you improve your writing. Continue to listen to your teacher sing praises at you. Continue to believe that your writing is ready to publish. Such an outlook will make rejection letters a lot easier to take. After all, the publishers rejecting you just didn’t take your work in the proper context. They simply won’t understand the depth of your work like your teacher does.
Seriously – I’m the last person to say you should take all criticism as gospel. However, you shouldn’t dismiss it out of hand either. Take a look at your genre (fantasy). See what other writers (GOOD ONES!) are doing. Does your work in any way pass the muster? Are there glaring differences in style and methodology? I think there are some areas where you cross over from ‘creative difference’ to ‘poor stylistic choice’. Don’t take my word for it. Go to the numerous submission boards on the internet and ask them. Those places will be far less forgiving than little ol’ me. When you get criticism you can either fight against it or examine it for value. Do as you will.
|
| #19 <font color=yellow> |]agomar[90007] |
| static-20.itcanada.com |
Stories are interesting things.
Every physical feature of a character says something, hm "spiritual" about them. Surely you should know that.
Dumping them all in a page or so is a proven technique. Having gotten that out of the way in a somewhat graceful manner, you can go about developing them, slowly, with great care.
Let me say this, actually, regarding all your criticism: so you didn't like it. That's nice. Good for you! No writing is perfect.
SOme of your advice, but not alot of it, I will follow. In my opinion, it is but little things. Since my opinion matters most, as does that of the many knowledgable people who have read this, I will follow it.
and, btw, with regards to your comment of "No one got no better" . . . rofl. I am sorry, that's just funny. I see you are well versed on the ways of accepting criticism. How's "nobody got any better." Or something. Your attempts at sarcasm are appreciated, but unfortunately they fall far short of expectations.
Oh and finally . . . why don't you write a story, and perhaps I will show to thee the hundreds of things undoubtedly wrong with it, and perhaps you will accept my comments on you writing like a 2nd grader with equal style and grace as you now say I should do. |
| #20 Nafarias[90021] |
| 63.117.233.194 |
Sigh - as far as 'no one never got no better' I'll just chalk it up to you just not getting it and leave it there. Needless to say I was perfectly capable of structuring the sentence without using deep south 'hick' verbal structure.
As far as reviewing MY work - sure! I've got a 468 page novel I'm having edited to manuscript form so that I can move on to publication. I'm looking for all the constructive criticism I can find. In fact, I'm part of a large writing circle that regularly critiques my stuff. They've laid into me over some things - believe you me. But that's part of writing, re-writing, re-writing, and re-writing. If you think a work gets published from a 1st draft then you have another think coming. The best authors there ever were take criticisms for what they are and study them to see if the suggestions actually improve the work or not. Mature authors take the valid suggestions and implement them. Immature authors consider any criticism a personal insult and get all defensive about it. Which are you? If you want - email me (phyrexia88@hotmail.com) and I'll send you a chapter (that's if you HONESTLY want to critique my work). Even an untrained author's opinions can be useful. |
| #21 Michael J. Cox[90027] |
| HSE-Toronto-ppp3483047.sympatico.ca |
| Do you have a dildo i can stick in your mouth for wasting 30 mins of my life |
| #22 tonto[90032] |
| a24b25n249client178.hawaii.rr.com |
| nafarias, what the hell makes you think that you can decide whats bad or good about his writing. Its his writing, he can do whatever he wants with it. If you want to criticize, go post your own stories with those ideas that you speak of. |
| #23 the()vermind[90056] |
| proxy1.hawaii.rr.com |
| dag, I tried, I really tried to read this thing all the way through. I even printed it and tried to read it then, but the sheer amount of text drove me crazy. Well of course, when you're on vacation in hawaii, nothing is supposed to drive you crazy, but this just made me fall asleep on my 30 hour day (6 hour time diffrence from new york to hawaii, 24+6=30). But what I can say judging by the text I was able to read is that the majority of nefarios's points are valid. Be reminded that constroctive critisicm is good, and while some people may think that nefarious's critisicm (which took a huge amount of time for this comp's 14.4 k connection to load) is arrogant and unruly, he just wants to help you (or discredit your work, it's one of those two) Well, i look forward to reading this when i've had more than 2 hours of sleep. DAG FOR HOF, GO GO GO |
| #24 Nafarias[91250] |
| 63.117.233.194 |
Phyrexia88@hotmail.com
Perhaps I should have just given you 1 or 2 points to start with. Sorry. I'm used to working with my professional writers group and they are all a lot more thick skinned. Get used to it for the future. Writers that want to help you will chew your work up and spit it out not because they 'hate' it - but because they want you to grow in the craft. It is up to you if you want to implement it, but be careful. If 99 out of 100 people say the same thing, then they are right no matter how much you may think they are wrong. I had to learn that eventually. Learn it now and you won't have to do huge rewrites later... :) |
| #25 Monty Pylon[91544] |
| gateway.Culinary.EDU |
| Sorry Dag but my computer won't let me load this story. From what I can see here, its long and is based on Strifeshadow. I am writing my farewell fic and i hope you read it. Perhaps I will be able to read your next chapter if you put it out soone enough. As for Naf I feel he did have constructive critisim,(blunt like a lead pipe) but good and would like his opinion of my work here at good old BR.com. |
| #26 Nafarias[91562] |
| 63.117.233.194 |
| I'm always willing to provide a baseline critique in exchange for a critique of my own work. Just email anything you'd like me to take a look at and I'll give it a go. In exchange - I'd like to torture you with a bit of my own work if you are brave enough... :) |
| #27 Dagomar sucks[91584] |
| 151.198.195.102 |
| Dagomar, you're a loser. This thing sucked. |
| #28 <font color=yellow> |]agomar[91628] |
| static-26.itcanada.com |
Righto Nef, thanks alot. I'm a short-story writer myself, and one who is famously thin-skinned. I guess I'll have to thicken myself =D
Also, thanks comment #29, your bravery in leaving behind your name and your valuable constructive criticism has been appreciated. |
| #29 RaZaGhAx[91662] |
| cx55467-a.irvn1.occa.home.com |
whoa...for a second I thought another "debate" was going to happen like that one "English Major" and Praetor thing.
=[ Going to read now =]
RaZ |
| #30 AdmiralPlinko[91689] |
| roc-24-169-196-198.rochester.rr.com |
I really liked the airplane part. It gives a little background as to what is going on, and helps get the story going without a lot of boring description at the very beginning (not that description is always boring; my own writing is actually very descriptive).
As for cliches, it's nice to see someone use <i>evil</i> wolves instead of the "protectors of the forest" approach that everyone seems to like lately. |
| #31 ThieverIV[91728] |
| spider-mtc-tf052.proxy.aol.com |
| I thought this was a very good story for a BR.com story. Nef's criticism is valid, and although some parts of it approach the nitpick level, overall if you look through it it will be pretty helpful. and AdmiralPlinko, nearly all wolves I've come across are evil, I have'nt seen many "protectors of the forest" wolves at all. Anyway, this story is good, plz keep writing it |
| #32 Nafarias[91735] |
| 63.117.233.194 |
| It depends on how you look at the story I guess. For a Battlereports.com fanfic then I was awfully nitpicky. But Dag said he wanted to seriously consider publishing this - and for a serious submission then I wasn't nearly picky enough. I didn't even touch the grammar side of things... :) Anyway - it is all in the eye of the beholder. Hopefully he will keep writing - for the hardest part of writing (aside from getting it published) is just the act of 'doing it'. Write a page a day. Keep your hand in and eventually it will get finished. |
| #33 CaughtNaked[91781] |
| spider-ti023.proxy.aol.com |
<i>This comments section is as long as the god damn FAN FIC!! I thought that I was long winded but god damn Nafarias your comments are
A) Boring
B) Unimportant
C) Boring
D) Dagomars a commment whore
E) I suck at everything but IBR and BR, fan fic isnt my thing so im gonna shut up about it
F) whats a Nafarias anyways
G) Why was this so long, i really wanted to read the whole thing, i really did, it just didnt get my attention, but i tried, and i have A.D.D.
H) Im working on my web site and I hope Dagomar will write for us, it would kick so much ass
J) Dag > Me
anyways, just thought Id point out a few points, I must say there wasnt a whole lot of deph and this is the longest prelude that ive ever read but it was a good one, plot was fine, and I hope that you keep writing</i>
t2yl,
~CN |
| #34 Nafarias[91791] |
| 170.89.17.110 |
Heh - for CaughtNaked... (response #35 for the retentive)
A) So?
B) That's a relative interpretation. To a budding writer interested in improving thier prose they are pure gold.
C) So?
D) Who isn't?
E) You suck at EVERYTHING? Wow - that actually takes a lot of practice. So it could be said you don't suck at everything - you (in fact) excel at sucking.
F) It is a proper name - not to be confused with the adjective "Nefarious" (shady, untrustworthy, or evil). I hate it when people misspel my name "Nefarias" - arg.
G) It is a work of fiction that does not have length restrictions. You may have ADD, but it is more likely that the subject matter simply did not interest you.
H) Pimp yourself then. Got a clicky for us or is your website just a dream at this point?
J) If you suck at everything as you claim, then this statement would apply to a lot of people. :)
Yes - it was a long prelude if indeed a prelude it was. Plot is indeed fine - but requires much fleshing out as it stands here. Dag says he's done a rewrite though - so perhaps someday we will see it.
|
| #35 <font color=yellow> |]agomar[91813] |
| static-60.itcanada.com |
This is odd. I'm a Nef fan now. See? I even call him by his slang name. Go Nef!
Naked, I'll write for the site, just tell me what to do and whether to post a nude pic in order to increase the number of hot girls that visit your site. |
| #36 Capster[91814] |
| remote244.netquest-ks.com |
I thought the story created a combined paranormal/science fiction like atmosphere.
I enjoyed it...with the versatility in points of view, your really show originality.
Also, Nefarias is a good critic, but he shielded his objective criticism comment with the "If you were in the 4th grade this piece would be exceptional."
Cmon Nef, how can you be objective with a statement like that. By the way Id like to see some of your work...and I will show you some descent criticism.
Hey do a search on my Breprt from last year in the Search query.
Im looking to do contemporary horror short stories for now but take a look see.
Talk to you 2 later.
Capster |
| #37 Capster[91822] |
| remote244.netquest-ks.com |
I thought the story created a combined paranormal/science fiction like atmosphere.
I enjoyed it...with the versatility in points of view, your really show originality.
Also, Nefarias is a good critic, but he shielded his objective criticism comment with the "If you were in the 4th grade this piece would be exceptional."
Cmon Nef, how can you be objective with a statement like that. By the way Id like to see some of your work...and I will show you some descent criticism.
Hey do a search on my Breprt from last year in the Search query.
Im looking to do contemporary horror short stories for now but take a look see.
Talk to you 2 later.
Capster |
| #38 Nafarias[91885] |
| 170.89.17.110 |
Capster,
I was in fact objective. You simply misunderstood my comment about the 4th grader level. It was an honest assessment of the work - and if you noticed I left quite a grey area. I said something like 'if this is 4th grade level or below, it is good'. I then said - 'if you are 15 or older here are some suggestions...'. This implied that if Dagomar was a very young buck in grade school, then my criticism was too harsh and in fact he deserved a lot of praise for a work so long. My subsequent comment implied that if he was more mature, then I had some suggestions. I also left out 3 or so years inbetween - giving myself a little wiggle room. My comment did not necessarily imply 'this is 4th grade level work' (though I suppose it could be interpreted that way). It was more of a statement about the possible developmental stage of Dagomar himself. I wanted to cut him some slack if he was very young, and prep him for greater things if he was older. No matter what anyone thinks, I don't critique writing to insult the writer. I do it to improve them. I take writing very seriously indeed.
I'll give the fic a lookee. You can do a search on my name actually and look at a fanfic I did a while ago on the Zerg perspective. Search for "Nafarias" - not "Nefarious"... (Grrrr) |
| #39 Nafarias[91892] |
| 170.89.17.110 |
Capster,
I was in fact objective. You simply misunderstood my comment about the 4th grader level. It was an honest assessment of the work - and if you noticed I left quite a grey area. I said something like 'if this is 4th grade level or below, it is good'. I then said - 'if you are 15 or older here are some suggestions...'. This implied that if Dagomar was a very young buck in grade school, then my criticism was too harsh and in fact he deserved a lot of praise for a work so long. My subsequent comment implied that if he was more mature, then I had some suggestions. I also left out 3 or so years inbetween - giving myself a little wiggle room. My comment did not necessarily imply 'this is 4th grade level work' (though I suppose it could be interpreted that way). It was more of a statement about the possible developmental stage of Dagomar himself. I wanted to cut him some slack if he was very young, and prep him for greater things if he was older. No matter what anyone thinks, I don't critique writing to insult the writer. I do it to improve them. I take writing very seriously indeed.
I'll give the fic a lookee. You can do a search on my name actually and look at a fanfic I did a while ago on the Zerg perspective. Search for "Nafarias" - not "Nefarious"... (Grrrr) |
| #40 <font color=yellow> |]agomar[91967] |
| static-24.itcanada.com |
Nef, I hope my work isn't judged alone on being long . . . I asume this is not what you meant but it came across that way. As you know, long work isn't always good! =D
Might I add that your Zerg story got a 7 . . . no offense, just a slight dig =) |
#41  [92331] |
| zmapxypro04-b.zma.compaq.com |
dag dag don't you see sometimes your reports just hypnotize me.
Fox |
| #42 IGGY[92337] |
| 151.198.195.102 |
| I SO DID NOT READ THIS! F00OO0O0O0O0 |
| #43 ()xygen[92345] |
| 129.21.7.234 |
| Dag, I think you have a good start but that last thing you should be doing is bitching at nefarias. In college I've learned that the people you want to read/watch your work and give you advice are those that are going to rip it apart, not those who want to kiss your ass. When someone watches one of my films and says "wow, i loved it," i like "ok, tell me what you didn't like and what I can fix." Criticism is the best thing for your work. Anything else is like playing newbies over and over again in starcraft, you don't get any better. And you ripped off the painting of Rivendell =[ |
| #44 Zumbooruk[92346] |
| AKCF1.xtra.co.nz |
I liked the general tone and writing style, nothing very distracting there. My main problem with characters was the rapid introductions - I knew I'd never be able to keep track of all those names. 30 miles is a very long way to walk in a single day, especially for dwarves (short legs = short steps) with packs.
I'll trust that the character development is coming, and note here, though, that the character development in this comment section is highly well-developed in itself. |
| #45 ()xygen[92347] |
| 129.21.7.234 |
| lol zum, true about character developement in comments! rofl |
| #46 ()xygen[92348] |
| 129.21.7.234 |
| lol zum, true about character developement in comments! rofl |
| #47 Iron Lung[92357] |
| 33.gs2.gj.net |
| fuck this comment section is long. |
| #48 Cearas[92364] |
| proxy.pth.iprimus.net.au |
| 50 :O |
| #49 JawaAvenger[92371] |
| ool-18baa694.dyn.optonline.net |
I enjoyed it more than a regular BR.
(that should be more than enough for you to continue)
|
| #50 Daedeloth[92373] |
| bele175.wuh.wustl.edu |
Dagomar,
ALthough this woulda have been a fine piece had it been more original, the numerous Tolkien allusions prevented me from reading it with an objective eye. There are frequent times that you make subtle references to Tolkeins world.
First of all, the opening picture immediately put me in the mindset of Tolkien's writing. The valley of Imladris (Rivendell) is a very famous work that most Tolkein fans have seen before. You have every right to use this painting, i suppose, but it does gear your audience into a mindset that may be critical of your writing.
Gondol, is obviously built from Gandalf. Note the similar "old man with a beard" appearances, as well as the attire. White in the beginning, and Grey during the travel. Gandalf was grey during the travels and white at the end of the Lord of the Rings. Also the image of a grim happiness as well as the tired, but very powerful, old man stem from Tolkien's character.
Livin, seems too similar to Thorin for me to accept him as a unique character. Livin, like Thorin, wears a blue cloak and carries a sword (rather than the typical dwarven weaponry of a mattock) and seems to be quite wealthy.
The two guides that served to lead the company during the initial leg of the trip seem to be wood elves of some sort, wearing cloaks very similar in appearance to those that Galadriel gave the Company as they left Lothlorien.
Other aspects of the story are also errily similar to tolkien. The chase by the wolves in your story is much like the Warg episode in the Hobbit. References to dark, evil ones seem to obviously be orcs, although you do not state it. And most importantly, your main character is an elven version of a Hobbit. Initially useless and burdensome to the company, but no doubt, he wil eventually rise among them with his deeds.
All in all, it was a good read. But I find it hard that anyone with any familiarity to Tolkien's works could miss the blatant correlations. I do think your writing is suitable for the story (although POV needs to be established and maintianed) and i hope that as the story continues, u will deviate from Tolkein and establish your own world. |
| #51 xld.aldogrez[92374] |
| spider-wf072.proxy.aol.com |
| comments are longer than the fucking story. Dag, you shuold submit this to infoceptor, they do a lot of stories or whatever, and you get mentioned in the news too. Just an idea =] |
| #52 jugnuts[92376] |
| cy662178-a.huntgtn1.wv.home.com |
| The story was cool, a good deal of the critisizm was good, you do have a very Tolkien setting, this comments section is ungodly (a few more comments and even HE won't want to come near it!), and i'm on drugs, so i'm gonna go play some counter-strike..w00t!!!! |
| #53 <font color=yellow> |]agomar[92383] |
| static-56.itcanada.com |
Thanks for all the comments - the constructive, good ones I will listen to ( and modify approprietly ), and the stupid ones I simply won't reply to.
One thing - maybe this at first appears to be like Tolkien, but believe me, it changes <b>radically</b> just after I stopped here. I now think it was a bad idea to post this here ( kind of like showing off a half-finished painting ), yet . . . thanks for the 8 =). Just enough to put me over YRM as third in rookmarks, which is all I actually wanted with this piece anyway =D. My new brs will be crazy, so they'll take a bit o' work. But I think you'll like em =D |
| #54 Zalbag[92395] |
| chi-tgn-gjg-vty137.as.wcom.net |
omgomgomg i JUST finished reading the sory and ALL the freaking comments.
Dag, it kinda reminded me Tolkien books. But hey thats a good thing. I think you should elaborate the opening of the story about the plane stuff. It did seem some rushed but this was still a damn good read.
Reading all this stuff made me sooooooo tired :/
hope to see more, cya. |
| #55 TDM[93329] |
| spider-mtc-te041.proxy.aol.com |
Whee, right more or be hanged.
rock on. |
| #56 }{i[93957] |
| sdn-ar-008casfrMP040.dialsprint.net |
This was a better read than your average BR.com stuff, but as Nafarias pointed out earlier:
1) your POV kept switching from 3rd-person to 1st-person
2) try distinguishing the characters more and making the main character's actions more believable (why'd he adopt the name Cerlo again?)
3) more details on specific events! (take the time to describe every conversation or every fight/flight scene)
4) the airplane scene didn't read too well |
| #57 sucking[94024] |
| 64-208-194-155.nas3.MON.gblx.net |
| we want battle reports not novels<put it on fanfiction.com> |
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