| #1 IcE-Inforcer[112153] |
| proxy.ia4.marketscore.com |
Hey this is my first br, I never write stories but recently ive been reading alot, so it helped me. It might suck, it doesnt to me, never does when its ur own shit. So yah, plz criticise with all your might. If you guyz like it, ill write more.
Enjoy (or not) |
| #2 dopey[112154] |
| 203.185.210.22 |
| first hehehe :) |
| #3 IcE-Inforcer[112155] |
| proxy.sjc.marketscore.com |
| What??? heheheh plz explain, i suck? Maybe lol. |
| #4 [112156] |
| ppp-207-214-217-253.okld03.pacbell.net |
#4
some explaination of what it is before it starts might help |
| #5 IcE-Inforcer[112157] |
| proxy.ia4.marketscore.com |
| Umm... yes... but u see its a story, and i do explain a bit. Not enough I guess. |
| #6 Sexy^Orangutang[112158] |
| 12-234-99-99.client.attbi.com |
| i stopped reading fan fics a while ago. most are crap. i havent read this, and i wont. im sure this wont get more than a 6 because people are pretty sick of fan fics. we want brs. |
| #7 IcE-Inforcer[112159] |
| proxy.ia3.marketscore.com |
| If ya dont read ya dont complain, thank you. |
| #8 Jekpo![112160] |
| c216-45-83-226.md1.cablespeed.com |
The details were shit. In one part you said 7 survivors and listed 6. At least get the #s right. Also - god damn fan fics. Someone pop out some good br's.
-No HTML
-Grammatical Errors
-Story contradicts itself in many spots =P
-Kind of an over used idea...group of lost soldiers in enemy territory, most die, etc.
-Not broken down into paragraphs (not very clearly at least)
-Still better then the PvPs I used to post =)
-6
Jekpo |
| #9 Anonymous[112161] |
| 216-224-154-12.thegrid.net |
| Story really sucks, sorry. And u have to have some sorta intro, even if it just says, "Story." |
| #10 BigD[112162] |
| px2so.cg.shawcable.net |
Text seemed a little large. Formatting was also not great. I'd suggest if you're going to do fanfic, make it have a much sharper look, smaller text, and a better, less predictable plotline.
However, I would welcome another post from you since you seem willing to actually correct your mistakes. |
| #11 vincible[112165] |
| roam155-218.student.harvard.edu |
This is one of the tired old standard fanfic plots. Like thousands of other fanfics, it has some marine entering their first battle and watching a fellow human die for the first time (almost always against the zerg). Then lots more fellow humans die agonizing death. Inevitably, a few stragglers manage to escape, traumatized by the experience, and the story ends with them getting "physical therapy" from some medic. Or sometimes they die in unpleasant fashion. Whatever. They're all basically the same and they're really boring.
You should post a fanfic if only if you have a really fresh, new idea. And that's rare for fanfics because they're written by people who liked someone else's idea so much they wrote a story about that idea. Such work is almost inevitably derivative. (There are a few exceptions of course, for example I loved Drefsab's "Surviving in Memory," and a couple others.) |
| #12 Keanu_Reaver[112166] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-170.sea.eschelon.com |
alright, yes the plot line is a bit cliche, yes there were quite a few grammatical errors...but all in all, i liked it
it was very easy to envision and you did an excellent job of creating charactors (they all had different personalities, and none of them talked alike) and you described the scene's pretty nicely
all in all, i give it 6-7, just proof read it a bit more and use the preview button to fix paragraphs and you should do fine |
| #13 no life loser[112167] |
| adsl-63-199-241-173.dsl.sndg02.pacbell.net |
| this is crap!! wtf's dis? add sum pic and "making sense" details. |
| #14 AbsoluteGeneus[112169] |
| xstop1-ext.metrocon.com |
| not fanfiction.com, battlereports.com. |
| #15 ChessShark[112172] |
| 63.207.255.47 |
| It sucked pretty bad. First of all, it made almost no sense. Why the least experienced member would lead a patrol, things like that etcetera. Secondly, the plot sucks. Thirdly, although your writing style is a little interesting, you fail to provide much context for the story and the dialogue is choppy at best. And last but not least, fan fics are bad. We want BattleReports. I understand that many cannot write battlereports because they lack the ability to use screen shots, html, various things like that, but still. NO MORE FAN FICS PLZ!! |
| #16 Amoeba_Boy[112178] |
| spider-tk014.proxy.aol.com |
Too bad shark, im almost done with the second chapter of mine.
Dont let these guys get you down. This is your first "BR", so i wont be as harsh as the other unforgiving asses.
You had a little bit of an intro, but more would have helped, like where they came from, how they got lost, etc. The plot was predidctable, but its the first chapter, and you have time to change it.
I liked the writing style, with the different styles of speech, like keanu. Write another chapter, but learn from your mistakes. Dont write another just like this one, thats what time did, and hes banned now. Good luck |
| #17 Forever_Knight[112179] |
| 170.158.213.88 |
Good work. Almost makes me want to work harder and get Part 3 of my story out. =]
-Forever_Knight |
| #18 IcE-Inforcer[112182] |
| proxy.ord.marketscore.com |
Okie, I know, I suck, my first, plz have pity. BUT, AT LEAST IF UR GONNA COMPLAIN READ THE DANG STORY. Ok, not everyone did that but hey:
6: Fan fics dont all suck, maybe mine (for now), but not ex: drefsab's (gj dref)
8: Jekpo, good ol Jekpo, I SAID 7 suriviors, AND KIP DIES AFTER. U didnt read the rest. Told yall.
10: Maybe text was large, sorry, but u see Mark4 took away alot of tags which were used to make reports better, ex:Background.
11:If ya dont like em, ya dont read em, thank you.
13:Is there something wrong in your head??? Its a fan fic, no pics.
14:U wish
15:U didnt read! U did not! "He had been named leader of the patrol because he had received extensive scouting training at the academy." Boom.
Finally: For the next chapter:
-Intro.
-More details.
-Less predictable storyline.
-A end user licence that tells everyone to read the whole story or not read it at all.
Thanx for criticising, it will help. |
| #19 IcE-Inforcer[112183] |
| proxy.ord.marketscore.com |
Btw, thanks to Amoeba_boy, forever knight, keanu.
I was gonna quit cuz of all those cold hearted bastards, jj. |
| #20 IcE-Inforcer[112184] |
| proxy.ord.marketscore.com |
Oops, forgot somfin.
I will make battle reports too, i know how to write html thank you. |
| #21 another fan fic[112202] |
| c-24-245-64-22.mn.client2.attbi.com |
| yippe |
| #22 reaqu[112203] |
| cache-1.lnh.md.webcache.rcn.net |
U have to work on 2 things:
1. Dont write fanfics( we're sick of them=/)
2. If for some strange unknown reason u do write a fanfic put some DAMN PICS!!! I'D give it a 5. |
| #23 Disgruntled Retard[112206] |
| spider-mtc-ta031.proxy.aol.com |
Yes I agree pics are good add more. It was alitte boring but as long as the second on is less predictable I say go for it and write another one.
I agree with comment #11. "Surviving in Memory" was a very good story. I urge all fanfic readers to read it. |
| #24 Amoeba_Boy[112210] |
| spider-te081.proxy.aol.com |
A question to all those that said use pics
HOW THE HELL IS HE GONNA USE PICS IN A FANFIC!!!!!!!
Woah, mood swing, I guess a pretty intro pic with the title would work, but almost no fanfics have that |
| #25 MatriX[112213] |
| h000094c60a57.ne.client2.attbi.com |
he's not a freakin artist
i havent seen a fan fic yet with more than an intro pic
or if i have, they're in the minority
and ice, write whatever you want. fanfics, br's, whatever. |
| #26 IcE-Inforcer[112214] |
| proxy.sjc.marketscore.com |
| Nicely said matrix. And u know what? These whiny babies gave me an idea. Ill take screenshots and incorporate them into my stories. Might be cool, might be gay. |
| #27 Amoeba_Boy[112217] |
| spider-wk013.proxy.aol.com |
| heres another idea. You dont have to reply to every single post in this section. just a thought |
| #28 IcE-Inforcer[112222] |
| proxy.sjc.marketscore.com |
| Good idea. Sorry bout that, just kinda bored here. |
| #29 triped[112225] |
| 63.85.132.17 |
Wow, this was a pile of shit.
I sincerely hope you don't plan on using this writing style in your real battle report.
=[ |
| #30 Anonymous[112281] |
| 216-224-155-99.thegrid.net |
"8: Jekpo, good ol Jekpo, I SAID 7 suriviors, AND KIP DIES AFTER. U didnt read the rest. Told yall. "
Actually, what u said doesn't make sense, cause let me quote ya:
"In all, they were seven survivors, himself, Kip, a medic and three Marines."
One little two little three little indians, four little five little six little indians.... |
| #31 IcE-Inforcer[112290] |
| proxy.sj3.marketscore.com |
D'oh! Ok ok I guess ur right sry Jekpo man. lol.
Im not writng fan shit, i mean fics anymore. Mine all suck geeze. |
| #32 zerg_aliance[112370] |
| spider-th041.proxy.aol.com |
yo ice i dont care wut any of those fags said, i really like the story dude i think u should continue it
i really enjoyed reading it
i hope u take this into consideration and keep writing
LIVE FOR THE SWARM
-Zerg_Aliance |
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