| #1 thatcantbegood[123504] |
| cache-da05.proxy.aol.com |
| 1st on a DAGOMAR report, i am god times 2 |
| #2 Lieutenant[123505] |
| adsl-67-39-2-229.dsl.dytnoh.ameritech.net |
| 2nd. I can finally tell my parents I've made it to #2 at br.com! |
#3  [123508] |
| Toronto-ppp272674.sympatico.ca |
btw, this is a new story, this is not an sc report, sorry for posting it in the wrong section :]
I will finish my other story sometime :[ |
| #4 Nightwisp[123513] |
| 12-221-134-121.client.insightBB.com |
| #5 on Dag report...tight...nice story Dag 9.211 |
| #5 zeals~o~Valor[123514] |
| h24-86-186-55.ed.shawcable.net |
| 6th |
| #6 jUsDeE[123517] |
| spider-ntc-ta043.proxy.aol.com |
#7th
nice, you had a good hook in the intro, which got me interested |
| #7 vincible[123521] |
| 1Cust133.tnt17.sfo8.da.uu.net |
| A nice fun read. |
| #8 TM[123523] |
| 65.120.150.5 |
9 on a dag report fools!
That was pretty interesting, i wish i could cause a nuke :P |
| #9 Kane[123524] |
| 12-233-180-134.client.attbi.com |
| 10 with no style |
| #10 LuckyNewbie:P[123525] |
| dialup-209.245.11.52.Dial1.Denver1.Level3.net |
um... is this a starcraft report because it mentions "mark" or what? :O
|
| #11 [123526] |
| Toronto-ppp272674.sympatico.ca |
| Mark is a name I wish I had tt |
| #12 Bjork[123529] |
| 24.31.39.161 |
| everything is Muuusical. this is muuusic. |
| #13 Keanu_Reaver[123530] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-68.sea.eschelon.com |
| finish other story whore! |
#14  [123531] |
| 12-222-61-61.client.insightBB.com |
There were some interesting paragraphs in this story and the fact that I made it all the way to the end says something. But when I got there, I was unfortunately disappointed. Nothing ever really happened. There was entirely too much fluff in this story. I know you were trying to sound deep and thoughtful, but in the end you really only sounded like someone who just learned a bunch of new words and was eager to use them.
The character was vague and what he was doing never really made a whole lot of sense. There was all this semi-philosophical discussion on evil but it never really tied into the story at all. Also, the transition from weights to piano playing threw me. Why is he the "fulcrum" when lifting weights?
To me the story is just a mass of confusion, choppy transistions, and annoying adjectives and adverbs. It reads like a free-writing assignment from one of my comp classes. |
| #15 [123532] |
| 12-222-61-61.client.insightBB.com |
| Of course, I did read at 1:30am so that might be part of my problem. |
| #16 Mep[123533] |
| dialup-67.28.53.187.Dial1.Princeton1.Level3.net |
OMGOAMSOGIAJSODFMOMFOMGOMGOAMFOMGOFMGOMGOASMKDFOMASL;DKJFA;SKDJF;ALSKDFJ #16 ON A DAGOMAR REPORT OAMDSOFKADS;FOIJ:*ORGASM* I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT etc.
Jesus fucking christ.
Anyway, now that I've mocked your groupies...
I didn't realize Canadian's were so deep. I read the first four paragraphs and went to go write a poem. And I'm not coming back to read the rest.
Ok, so I didn't go write a poem. My original plan was to just post the word deep, as one word posts are cool. However I had to mock the idiots. Sorry, it's a bad habit.
Cool report...thing though. |
| #17 Mep[123534] |
| dialup-67.28.53.187.Dial1.Princeton1.Level3.net |
| Err, 17 even. I can't count. |
| #18 Awe6[123535] |
| 12-232-217-51.client.attbi.com |
I have to agree with #15 in some respects, the words fit together, but it has the feel and sound of someone musing to himself rather than a story that is meant to progress in a certain direction, and after reading the story, my idea of where indeed it was meant to be going was hazy. Perhaps this was the style you were hoping to achieve of cut away... cut away... cut away... (this is my impression, and nothing more) but i think the reader himself gets cut away in trying to keep up. IT IS NOT BAD, in fact it is close to being pretty good but there is something to suggest a feeling that it is not complete.
Keep along this line, and it is sure to become more refined. In other words, keep trying =o |
| #19 Psychochild[123539] |
| 171.orlando-11-12rs.fl.dial-access.att.net |
Waaaaait. Time would spam, flame raters, starts forest fires, mugs old women, kidnaps small children in the middle of the night, and he gets to become a replay rater?
....
I'll be replay rater yet. TEXT ONLY 3v3 BGH MATCHES!!!
J/K, nice story Dag, but I do agree with Dref in saying it wasn't as good as your first story, but then again its only the first chapter. It could only get better...
Or worse. =p |
| #20 Decay[123542] |
| 206.10.109.59 |
#21, whats a text only replay?
Nice Dag, I liked it. But have you ever thought about seeing a shrink? :D
~Decay |
| #21 NFT[123549] |
| agent.lisco.com |
#21: Unless I miss my guess, this was meant to be as a standalone, not an intro.
About halfway down, I kept glancing at the scrollbar to see how much was left. I kept wanting to read on, but also to skip ahead and go to comments section. I guess the darker tone kind of turned me off, since I'm more of a humor reader.
The last sentence was the best, imo.
Get on bw more! |
| #22 [123551] |
| Toronto-ppp272647.sympatico.ca |
Perhaps I should make it a little clearer at some points ;). Anne is supposed to be the devil, you see - but, each to his own ;) Perhaps it works better for crazy religious people like myself, too.
I do agree with some of the criticism . . . I sort of sat down and just started to write something without having a clear idea where I was going; it sort of seemed to crystalize in my mind after a while though.
I also wrote in a somewhat different way than I usually do, with some more stream of consciousness techniques here and there . . . but, in the end, I think that isn't a bad thing. Some people didn't like it, others loved it . . . to me, that's probably a good sign. Writing in a somewhat controversial style is a good idea imo.
Anyway, thanks very much for the critique especially, some I will take to heart, some I won't ;) |
| #23 [123552] |
| Toronto-ppp272647.sympatico.ca |
| btw the fulcrum bit aludes to how the ring of Mark's weights clanging together seems to unite the other sounds below :] |
| #24 Cheeseater[123554] |
| cpe-66-87-4-245.ut.sprintbbd.net |
Time = Suck up
Nice story though, Dag. |
| #25 Amoeba_Boy[123569] |
| cache-ra01.proxy.aol.com |
| I think time got rep rater cuz he always seems to be on the site |
| #26 thatcantbegood[123572] |
| cache-ra01.proxy.aol.com |
| HAHAHA, fools, posting comments is useless...I GOT NUMBER ONE!!! HAHAHA |
| #27 Draco2003[123575] |
| 1Cust201.tnt2.fort-wayne.in.da.uu.net |
Maaaannnnn...... freaky
I mean the story was kool and kept me interested till the end but.........freaky |
| #28 ZerG~LinG[123577] |
| p432-082.ppp.get2net.dk |
Oh a Dag report.
Ack, I hate when people begin new stories all of a sudden :(
I'd much rather see the third part of "The Story" (catchy name btw -.-)
Haven't read yet, so sry for biching already :) |
| #29 Psychochild[123589] |
| 208.orlando-09rh15rt.fl.dial-access.att.net |
I honestly thought that this one was just an intro or something. I'm reading it, I'm reading it, getting into it...
Then it ends.
I mean, it was an interesting story, but you really could have done a better ending than have what you came up with. After all that, It left me confused and disapointed. And Confused. Really.. Really.. Confused.
|
| #30 Blarg[123591] |
| h00045a0a16d0.ne.client2.attbi.com |
| Dag the curiosity is killing me. Just what is your "crazy religion"? |
| #31 [123593] |
| 12-222-61-61.client.insightBB.com |
| You're not getting off that easily. If Anne is the devil, then what are you trying to say about the devil? That the devil can't be defeated by.... what? |
| #32 [123594] |
| Toronto-ppp272584.sympatico.ca |
Nothing about the devil, as I said it's not a traditional religious story. Rather, I'm trying to say that we fall to evil through weakness ( ie. "he slipped" ), and that the devil, or some force like him, exploits each of those weaknesses. The devil perverts and twists each of our gifts, leading us to the destruction not only of ourselves but of those around us. I've seen it happen, and it's pained me greatly.
In any case, I think it's worth reading few a couple times. Seems some people "got" it, and others were left dissapointed . . . something I can't help liking alot :). |
| #33 [123595] |
| Toronto-ppp272584.sympatico.ca |
| hm, I didn't think it said anything about the devil - more about how humans respond to him - but I guess I discovered it does :O. |
| #34 Dino Din[123597] |
| ip-216-23-105-49.one.net |
These adjectives and adverbs you chose might be good in some poem or perhaps in a story whose plot is a little strange but here they just sound absurd.
Basically they detract from your story... |
| #35 HnR)Pride[123610] |
| London-HSE-ppp3540525.sympatico.ca |
| This story reminds me of the Bugs Bunny and elmur Fudd episode where they're in like an old romanesque play and elmur is in this gold viking suit and bugs starts off as himself but then turns to Fudd's love interest then when Fudd finds out he's the rabbit he kills bugs.... ya... if you've seen the episode you know what I'm talking about. I could draw lots of similarities but I dont want to right now. I found that some of your metaphors were... well... vague at times and too numerous in my opinion. Word of advice if any would be to not try stream of consciousness with lots of comparisons. It's not like that when you originally think like that. Stream of consciousness is pure emotion not flowery righting. I find it's better to right that when you're angry cause ideas flow faster and less flowery. Nice try but the different styles didn't mesh well for me... hi daggy ^^ |
| #36 Patton[123632] |
| cache-da05.proxy.aol.com |
That is the greatest bugs toon of all time, pride.
Word,Dag. Word. |
| #37 Psychochild[123660] |
| 198.orlando-23-24rs.fl.dial-access.att.net |
"Kill Da Wabbit Kill Da Wabbit!"
Just wondering Dag, but was this story inspired in any way by your recent run in with a black woman on that ferry boat? |
| #38 User14[123691] |
| spider-ntc-ta023.proxy.aol.com |
| it sucked yo, i mean i got it n all but i hate religious BS, stop tryin to spread your filthy lies! fagomar |
| #39 [123700] |
| Toronto-ppp272649.sympatico.ca |
Well the devil wins in the end, so you tell me if that's a Christian tale ;)
It IS a different style of writing for me, so I'm glad it caused alot of splits in opinion ;D. Hey pride, you sexy beast. |
| #40 Blarg[123716] |
| h00045a0a16d0.ne.client2.attbi.com |
| The devil winning can be part of a Christian tale. Just look at Judas... |
| #41 Keanu_Reaver[123721] |
| max01-dynamic-64-65-141-22.sea.eschelon.com |
| nono judas betraying jesus was a part of the ransom, jesus had to be sacrificed or we would have no hopes for a ressurection |
| #42 vincible[123951] |
| 1Cust218.tnt17.sfo8.da.uu.net |
| But I would think that anytime somebody rejects god and is not saved it is in a sense a triumph for the devil... right? So the devil can have triumphs. Of course there could be some interpretation of this that I was not previously aware of, if so, please make me aware of it :) |
| #43 badme[124558] |
| pcp01773918pcs.norstn01.pa.comcast.net |
| I'm gonna kill matt if he's lying....Dag, are you quitting sc? |
| #44 [154904] |
| d141-165-127.home.cgocable.net |
| JEEZ this sucks now. |
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