"Owning micro)machine is like crucifying kittens"
- |]agomar
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| comedy central | | | Author: | | | IP: | spider-tXXXX | | Date: | 02/01/00 09:02 | | Game Type: | Warcraft 2 | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 6, Min: 6
Lifetime Rating for Elvenesque: 5.6667 |  | the text.
<---BACK
"Curse the blaggards" i thought, finally finding a curse suitable for
Warcraft. it happens every time i play the game. i so want to find
something i can yell at the approaching masses of my enemy's troops, but
nothing really good comes to mind. now i've got it. "curse the
blaggards", works, no?
neway, there i was in a 1v1 GOW game against some guy called
-Essex-o-man- (essex when i talk about him) being attacked by lusted
ogres. not too fun....wait, let me get u up to speed on the game.
i started at the 6 oclock location (it's close to 6, anyway), my friend
was at 11 (or close thereto). i was human, essex orc (as before
mentioned). for those not into warcraft this put me at a slight
disadvantage. warcraft 2 just doesn't quite have the diversity of
starcraft, but the major difference between the two races is that orcs
are geared more for attack, and humans are more the "mend and defend"
types, though i must say there are some thoroughly enjoyable things to
attack with on the human end.
i started the game wondering what in the world i was gonna do, i was
never too good at planning, and beginning to build up my economy as i
did so. resources were medium, which slows up my tech a bit, but also
forces me to build more peons, something i neglect at times. my build
order is tech-fast, mixing in the odd footman, archer, or tower for
defense behind my partial farm wall.
now the area i think humans are much better than orcs at is magic
(paladins and ogre-magi discluded, though i do like healing). so, i
decided to go up the tech tree to mages. i had just done this when
essex's first attack came (the first of several, the guy seemed to like
the comp's tactic of attacking whenever u have troops). i was highly
unprepared at the time, only two footman and an archer, for essex's four
grunts and an axe-thrower. these proceeded to rip through my defenders
and begin hacking away at my barracks. at this point my peasants
exercised an option in their contracts and began to ruthlessly beat the
daylights out of the marauding grunts and troll. this sort-of-early
attack gave me the impression my opponent was gonna hit hard and often,
so i built a second (and later a third) rax and started pumping the
footmen and archers, upgrading as necessary.
now, my footmen's contracts also include options, one of them being
scouting. so, one little guy started off on his merry way, and i think i
spotted a little handkerchief bundle on the end of a stick over his
shoulder. he trundled along, checking out various meadows and forests,
relaying the info back to me. upon discovery of my opponent's defenses
(they shot an arrow at the poor little guy, stupid guard towers) he
hurried back to my base, where the first of my knights began exiting the
barracks.
by this time i had a sizeable force and a sizeable economy (some of my
peasants moved out and started their own town at 8 oclock, under the
watchful eye of three knights and six footmen), so i sent a scout force
to test essex's defenses. upon reaching the defenses thoughtfully
revealed to me by my little footman friend, they set about tearing into
the first farm, alarming the peon's wife (and an ugly thing she was
too). up came the ogres, and down went my scout force. i had heard and
seen the tell-tale signs of bloodlust in the engagement, and i was a bit
suprised at my opponent's speed, as i'm not entirely slow myself. the
ogres, not content with destroying my scout force, stomped down to my
base and began punching my defenders (i've always considered their
attack gay). this is where i discovered "Cuse the blaggards!" essex
appreciated my comment.
enter at this point paladins, recently converted to catholicism at the
new church. i love clicking on that building, it just sounds cool.
stopping beforehand to heal the beleagured defenders, they tore in the
ogre-magi, outnumbering them and thereby baptizing the ground in their
enemies' blood.
now comes the first of several comedy teams in the battle. pairing my
previously mentioned footman, guy was still alive, amazingly, with the
leader of the aforementioned paladins, Abbot and Costello were born.
i sent Abbot and Costello to scout around for expansions, finding one to
the right of my opponent's base. as always, they had a devil of a time
getting out, Costello frequently bumping into trees while Abbot yelled
at him and slapped him. they did get out though, escaping to my
expansion. then it started getting fun.
Next in line for comedy work were the Three Stooges (mages). Larry,
Curly, and Moe headed up to the gold mine south of essex's main, and
began striking fear into the working class with blizzard (also hitting
each other a few times). they continued until set upon by revenging
ogres, who were dispatched amid the retreat by a roving band of
paladins.
All this took place in the midst of several assaults by my friend (i use
the term lightly, he killed a lot of my guys), in which i was beginning
to take the upper hand. for some strange reason he stopped teching at
ogres, probably trying to overwhelm me. getting annoyed with not being
able to break through the guy's defenses, i brought out the final comedy
team: the Seven Dwarves.
(insert names here, can u name all seven dwarves?) charged up to my
opponent's main, and yelling obscenities in Gaelic they proceeded to
blow through the farms, towers, and ogres. the blood rivaled the stuff
around the Killer Rabit in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Larry, Curly, and Moe had been causing another disturbance for the
working class, thus distracting essex, when the seven dwarves did their
deadly work. this was followed by Abbot and Costello leading a large
army of paladins into essex's main, quickly demolishing the main
buildings. left with only his poorly defended expansion, which was under
assault by the Three Stooges, essex conceded defeat.
This performance is scheduled for an encore on Channel 265, check with
your cable or satellite provider.
sorry about the form guys, i had to do some funky cutting and pasting with that preview thing (it came back to a blank page). |
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