"The two Terran commanders are captured alive, and subjected to whatever fiendish new experimental torture methods that Kerrigan has devised. Some of which no doubt involve tickling."
-greyhoundbus
|
| Dan's saga full version (last one was beta2) | | | Author: | | | IP: | athe530-XXXX | | Date: | 05/30/00 10:05 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 4, Min: 4
Lifetime Rating for Unknown_lamer: 4.0000 |  |
"You choke on your own spittle. Vultures circle around overhead. You feel faint. You have liver spots. Maybe a mild headache and bad gas. Your testicles are on fire. You are forced to dance around a mutilated goat corpse while singing showtunes. Demons make your bodily hair into a sweater. Your mother disowns you. Satan smacks you around a little. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. You *&^*&%! unholy ^%#$%#@$%! You should have checked your &*^%^^%$ spelling!!"
Yup this is exactly what happened to me after posting the first part of "Dan's Saga".I recived a hald-dozen (actualy it was 2 half-dozens+2 [14 for the mathematicly impaired]) sincere helpfull comments from the readers,and a guy that said he likes humping snakes and then i felt guilty of absorving all this random energy from the universe for no purpose.Well,what i lack in brains i compensate with numbigly dumb persistance,which ended with me finishing Dan's Saga,refining it and presenting it to you in a more appropriate manner.So i ask you once again,to start those Britney Spears and Ricky Martin mp3s ,close the porn videos you've been watching and pay some attention damit!!Yes you too in the back!!and put your damn hands ON the table!!YES YES,you the sweaty guy!.
Now let's get some standard disclaimers out of the way, before my fellow nohunterers grab the ropes and torches and come banging on my door: Bgh is a lame excuse for a map.Hunters strategy is an oxymoron.Bgh players rip the heads off live bats and feeds them to innocent children in famine-stricken countries, or so I've heard.But still this is an imaginary game played using an imaginary bgh map.Now that we got that out of the way,lets get this show on the road...
Fellow readers,today we shall follow the adventures,encounters and misfortunes of a certain young fellow called Dan.The name has been changed of course to protect the innocent.It has been proved though,from reliable sources (namely a search at the "ask jeeves" search engine as well as several chats at AOL chat rooms that the so called "Dan" is a well known and respected Venezuelan politician.So,i will provide here a story,a saga if i may say,of this guy,that upon it's publication into this web site will undoubdly lead me to riches beyone my wildest,non sexual dreams.
Dan was just spending some time on bnet,joining chanells such as #sex,#cyber and #clan -x17 looking for some hot cybersex with all the sexy ladies that hang out in the afore mentioned chanells.His search was rather unsucsesfull as only #cyber regulars seemed to have the slightest idea of how a woman looked like.So his descision was to create a game and play.He considered himself a rather experienced player as he had beaten every single 1comp vs 7 game that he and his clanmates ever played.Well exept that one occurance that the computer tricked them and build a zealot(lesson of the day:never let the comp go random,he's tricky).Ah well,painfull memories...
So he joined a game called "I will kill you bitch",made from someone that was certenly an expert in his field,assuming his field was sniffing sugar before playing SC.The name of that surely astounding players was "IaMVerYElitEPlayER"
"What a nifty screenname"thought Dan,"Truly a man of skills and a highly honed imagination"
I will provide here a part of the pregame chat so you can also see how great both our player were:
[Dan:]hi
[IaMVerYElitEPlayER:]Ready to die bitch?
"Nifty screenname"though dan as the countdown screen apeared.
The above comment must have touched Dan's heart,and a tear seemed to go down his cheek,umm,no never mind he was just sweating.Dan was very happy that he got Terrans since he only knew how to play terrans.He started with his usual build order.Depot,depot,depot,barack,bunker,bunker,bunker,bunker and then a double ring of turrets to keep away all kind of flyers.
Then tragedy struck.A probe entered Dan's camp,jaws clashing in a mettallic sound,swinging his electric cutters like a butcher's cleaver as he atacked one of Dan's depots.In a move of desperation Dan instructed one of his SCVs to murder the intruder,or at least confront him.Alas bad luck had stricked Dan again,and the SCV tripped and was unable to get back on his feet to kill that robotic bastard.To add insult to injury,the probe went and steal a bunch of minerals from Dan's field.Dan looked for the "call police" option in his CC to protect him from the nasty burglar but that must have been postponed by Blizzard for patch 1.08.Ah well,such is life i guess.
But now Dan was pissed,that unrully assult upon his possesions had brough up a side of Dan that none had ever seen before.You know what i'm talking about,that place deep deep down,the place were any Sc player dont talk about at parties...He immidiately build a barack and after that an academy.The he started training a ... medic!Yes,Dan is truly a man of remarcable skill.Can you see his train of though from where you're standing?The medic will distract the protoss armies by performing in the nude with her pet snake while his armies will slip in and tare apart any resistances.Yup,Dan sure is smart.
Dan was now positive about his success.The tide was turning,and everything looked clear.The terror of the invading beeast probe was far away.He let out a small smirk as he was unleashing his huge army of a medic and 3 marines towards his nemesis' base.His face looked cold like still.As Dan was siting there, ears being pleased with the sounds of his horde's footsteps and the melodic voice of the medic singing Ricky Martin,a thought pops into his head....."FUCK ive urinated my self!!!!"No time for the customary undies-changing for our hero now!He gathers all his courage,and forgets about making a mess on the carpet,it will dry itself in the end anyway...And as Dan was rasing his hand,ready to send his enemy into unspeakable punishments the unimaginable happened....
Psionic energies came out of nowere,and the ground turned red from the blood of the medic and the 2 marines."Damn him!!!"Dan shouted,"And damn those gay templars too!" Dan had again sunk into troubling thoughs...."what will i do now?how will i win?What would be the outcome of a fight between Spiderman and Pokemon??"
Just then Dan heard a faint female screen from the inside of his screen."Oh shit,he though,the voices are back...noooooooooooo!!!"It didnt take him long to find out though.It was a scream of a medic been fried alive like a chicken at KFC's,under the energies of a psionic storm.It was a drop inside his worker line,a dragoon,a zealot and a high templar.There was no way for this to be defended now.All of Dan's 65 marines were inside the bunkers guarding his choke.What could be done now??.In an act of desperation,Dan ordered all his workers to atack the intruders.A storm killed almost all of them (around 6) and the remaining 2 were soon blown up .But then,lightning bolts of inpiration exploded in the inside of Dan's brain,and while that is normaly not a good think to happen to you,allowed Dan,for the first time,too see clearly what he had to do.
"A Dan had to do what a Dan had to do" he though,"Who needs little pussy things like main bases and production facilities?"He ordered all his marines to get their lazy asses out of the bunkers and ordered them to atack his enemie's base.Time of destiny had come.With a spark in his eyes and a lightly visible stain in his pants,Dan watched (peeing himself for the third time) his troops breaking through the Protoss defenses and slowly moved to the inner parts of Elite's base.Yes! Dan,taking a deep breath leaned back,then got back on his feet (his chair has no back so he fell) and watched the ending of his saga.He was finnaly a winner.One of the Elite.One of the rulers of Battle.net.The grand Pubbah.The ultimate warrior.Princess Xena of the online gaming scene...He was....The Great Dan!!!
Inteview with the hero:
[Me:] So Dan,how do you feel about your victory?
[Dan:] Thrilled man,just thrilled.Who would have imagined?After all the months of training,playing with my 6 friends against the computer i have finnaly beaten a real live person.
[Me:] So you consider yourself elite now?
[Dan:] I'm still not sure if I'm elite to this very day. When I get up in the morning, the same face is staring back at me with toothpaste dribbling out. But i am close to prevailing...
[Me:] What would you think the outcome between Spiderman and Pokemon would be?
[Dan:]] Pokemon for sure.Spiderman is old and tired now.Pokemons are the new kings.
[Me:] Well Dan,a recent study conducted by a very well-known and respected company that conducts such studies shows that people have acctualy been reported to beating other people even more than once.There are acctually people that say your "feat" was not souch an event really.
[Dan:] Thats just lame man,trying to accuse me of that,We all know that nobody is playing against other people.That would be just ,you know,wrong.
[Me:] Hmmm,ok Dan,thank you for the inteview,it was "enlightening"
[Dan:] I thank you for giving me the chance to show to the world what a great player i am.You can find me in chanell #compstomp if you want.Gotta go change my pants now,bye.
I'm sure i missed some spelling and grammatical errors,English is not my native laguage,so take it easy on me at least on the spelling part.
[The End]
Unknown_Lamer
|
|
|
|
|
Home
Forum
Starcraft Tournaments
