| How to win at Starcraft, a 2v2 Report | | | Author: | | | IP: | 1Cust49.XXXX | | Date: | 06/07/00 04:06 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 2, Max: 9, Min: 7
Lifetime Rating for MrBobDole: 8.0000 |   | |
How to win at Starcraft -- brought to you by MrBobDole
|
How to win at Starcraft
Thank you, no need for applause. Yes, you are correct. I am THE MrBobDole.
Being the Gosu Champion that I am, I am willing to sacrifice my time in order to
give you notibly less skilled players of Starcraft, a glimpse into
the raw power that is MrBobDole.
I began my day in the nohunters channel, a channel that I had never heard of before and
most likely no one had heard of before. I took notice of people refering to such
no namers as "Drefsab", "T_mac", "bob_the_newt", and "Herbal_Avenger".
I laughed at them, for they were not as well known as I. I decided to flaunt my
gosu powers in a match. I quickly joined in a 2v2 game on The Hunters ,
the map which all gosu players play on, unlike the never-played maps: Lost Temple and Dire Straits.
The match up: bob112233 and Final~Crusader vs. [The Ultimate, awesomest, gosu-est] MrBobDole and StaticPony .
Though he did not say it, I could immediately tell that Static was
excited to be on my team and did not say anything in order to not embarrass himself.
I made note of this and let him bask in my glory in quiet.
ALPHA - The Beginning... I selected Terrans, the most popular race. I did not bother to
see what the others had selected, knowing that I could handle any
race that threatened me.
Static had recieved control of a Zerg brood on the other side of the map.
A Newbie Emerges...
 Almost immediately after the match had begun, Static notified me that one of the other players had allied with him. I was prepared to tell the player
of his error and request a remake when Crusader stepped forward,
claimed the error, and made a pathetic attempt to look gosu. Everyone knows that only one such as I could could pull such a stunt.
Eager to wipe the stupid smirk off of Crusader's face, I quickly got to work. I began with a wall off of my choke, a strat which I invented and was only used by me, with a depot and barracks.
My economy was well upon its way so I decided to grant my presence to Static 's fledgling Zerg cluster. It too had grown quite nicely and I acknowledged Static's skill. Just then, like a jet through the sky, bob's scouting overlord burst out of the clouds. It swiftly cut through the air with lightning speed, leaving a trail of exhaust from it's aft engines upgrades. I knew that Static would not last long against the onslaught of the flying overlord's early attack, so I did what any heterosexual player would do: I quickly sent a strike force of one marine to bob's base, which I was able to pin point using a number of psychic techniques and also by observing the speed of the wind relative to the Moon's gravitational pull on the Earth.
Unbeknownst to me, the marine that I had trained was utterly defective. After taking a mere three steps into the Zerg encampment, the marine was horrified by the sight of the grotesque sunken colonies, tore his own head off, and squashed his body into a pool of blood.
A Minor Setback
This development had managed to destroy my carefully concieved plan. However, I was still in complete control of the match. I quickly threw up two additional barracks and proceded to produce crunchy M&M's. Static was under intense pressure from the overlord push from bob, so I decided to send a platoon of 12 marines and a handful of girlies..er..medics to eradicate the smug Crusader. At the same time, I decided to expand to the bottom-right main for some extra monetary income. Static spotted my parade of happy-go-lucky pimps and their honeys. I noted that Static's visual accuity was very impressive, seeing how the mini-map was significantly small and is often overlooked in games.
 
I answered him with an exquisite response, typical of one so expert and gosu.
Static's forces joined with mine and we proceded to the Terran emcampment. Upon arriving in Crusader's base, my homies (read: marines) and honeys (read: medics) were quickly dispatched by an overwhelming number marines and medics. Static pulled most of his forces back after suffering several causualties. I swore under my breath. If Static had pressed the attack, Crusader would have been defeated, seeing how hydras will ALWAYS win against medics and marines with stim. After a brief pause, I realized that Crusader must have been hacking somehow. There was no possible way that he could have produce more than exactly 12 marines. I had two scv's working on each barracks in my base, and as everyone knows, two scv's working in a barracks doubles the amount of production in each facility. My anger grew. I knew there was only one viable action for this situation: complete and udder destruction of the hacker Crusader.
...and the boy cried "Eeeek!"
 After 5 minutes of sitting completely still in undeniable rage, Static cried out in terror as a large enemy contigent advanced upon his colony. I quickly pulled my thumb out of my ass and scrolled to Static's base. A combined attack by both Crusader and bob had caught Static off guard. I also noticed that Static had accidentally morphed some hydras into lurkers, thereby reducing his defensive options. "Damn" I said to myself, well aware that 4+ lurkers were easily owned by a handful of marines and zerglings.
 Static's defensive units were quickly morphed into puddles of raspberry jam.
At the same time, Static's lurkers managed to hatch and burrow themselves in the ground. I was simply amazed by how Static's lurkers were able to defeat the infantry and zergling rush so quickly and easily. I have never seen an instance where lurkers were so adept at killing small ground units.
 I quickly scolded Static for taking his units to attack with me without leaving any defenders at home.
A brief period of calm came over the contestants as each faction attempted to rebuild their forces. I had opted for another barracks and two new factories for siege tanks as Static started to rebuild his tech tree. I also had a considerably large defensive force protecting me so I was able to rest easy.
The Calm is Shattered
I had forgotten about my newborn expansion throughout my reconstruction, intentionally of course. I knew that my force of 4 marines, outside their bunker BTW, were a match for any number of tanks, guardians, or lurkers. Their mettle was put to the test as a horde of ravaging zerglings speed-walked to my expansion. Two of the fatter soldiers did not make it to the bunker and were killed in the stampede. The other two, however, made it safely in. With the help of the nearby SCVs for repair, they were able to dispatch the zerglings with ease.
Moments following, Static cried out once again. His base was under siege and he was requesting reenforcements. After a long moment of hesitation and some heavy pleading from Static, I complied  and sent out a massive garrison to quell the uprising.
This Game is for Men, son.
My garrison, consisting of 5 marines and 3 medics, were on route as Static's lonely lurkers were greeted kindly by the flying spittle of bob's guardians. Suddenly, without word, Static left the game.
Static was obviously a novice to Brood War, because in any given matchup, M&M will always triumph over guardians. If he had stayed two minutes longer, he would have been heroically saved by yours truly. It seems though advancing in visual accuity, he was lacking in patients.
"Oh Bother!" - Winnie the Pooh
Static's quick departure was merely an annoyance to me rather than a loss. A 2v1 situation is easily dealt with, especially when you are Terran. Began my retailiation by stepping up production. Marines, medics, and tanks flew out of my facilities like there was no tomorrow. My expansion was doing particularly well. I had stationed additional troops nearby, in the form of 1 marine and 1 medic.
 This bliss was ruined as a combined force of drugged up marines, high off stims of course, and a number of maurading mutalisks who had decided to pay a visit. I allowed the two to pillage my expansion, for I had much more in store for them.
Wassaaaaap?!
As they gleefully trampled my helpless expansion, I, too, was also a busy bee. I directed my troops consisting of 12 marines, 7 medics, and 6 tanks towards Crusader's base. There I set up shop, and opened up 6 economy-sized cans of Arclite Siege Tank Grade A Whoop Ass. Crusader's building's lifted off to avoid the shower of Arclite shells.
At the same time, I noticed a fairly obese purple blip on the mini-map just left of my main. I scrambled my troops and discovered an illegal mining operation. It was quickly brought to its knees.
With this victory under my belt, I decided to reorganize my mining operations by reestablishing my orginal expansion with a new Command Center.
Flibbity Jibbits!!!
With victory after victory, I was full of pride, happiness, and beans. Crusader and bob were as good as dead. Then, out of the blue, 2 guardians glided above my offensive unit. The marines had been a little too high off the stims for a while now and were no match for the guardians. The medics put up much more of a fight, using offensive restore and heal. The medics were eventually brought down and the tanks fell alongside them.
My expansion at the bottom left fell to the same mighty "Goobershooters". The Guardians headed eastbound towards my base and began to lay waste to my main emcampment. The barracks fell easily, chock that up to poor SCV construction. Everything had gone exactly accourding to my plan and I announced my forthcoming retailiation.
Do Not Disturb...
As I flew my buildings towards bob for a surprise Command Center kamikaze strike, Crusader cried out in a painful, sexual moan. 
At this point, I knew what to do. Like a gentlemen, I decided to leave Crusader and bob in peace to indulge in each other's sexual desires.
Before I left, Crusader made one last sexual plea to the me, the obvious winner.
I knew that Crusader was particularly vulnerable at this time and I did not want to take advantage of him. I let him down easy.
...OMEGA - The End.
The match was won, and as the dust settled, my Command Center could be seen flying off into the sunset.
- Final Statistics -
Here are the final statistics of the match, with only minor changes for readability:
Well, there you go, people! My premier Battle Report. This bad boy took several hours to make and now I'm tired and fairly gassy. Remarkably, I did all this with only Winblows NotePad and Paint. Once I figure out how to use Photoshop and Dreamweaver, I will probably be able to pull some fancier shiznit out of my ass.
For all the kids who still don't understand WTF I was saying in this report, here's your Vocabulary Word of the Day: dumbass. Definition: The state or condition of having a relatively stupid ass. Examples: You. It's called sarcasm, people! Say it with me! Sar-Cas-M!
To the contestants: I mean no insult to you all in this report. I played the most horribly out of everyone anyways. Cheers for being good sports. My inspiration for this report came from Drefsab :) Make more BGH Strats of the Day, God damn it! Have Questions or comments? Feel free to suck my dick! I mean, go ahead and ask. And, as always, flamers will be cordially invited to jam this report firmly up their ass.
-MrBobDole
"Flibbity Jibbits!"
By the way, can anyone find the 2 secret messages in the report?
|
| |
Home
Forum
Starcraft Tournaments
