O For a Muse of Fire, that would ascend The brightest Heauen of Inuention: A Kingdome for a Stage, Princes to Act, And Monarchs to behold the swelling Scene. Then should the Warlike MuchTooSexy, like himselfe, Assume the Port of Mars, and at his heeles (Leasht in, like Hounds) should Famine, Sword, and Fire Crouch for employment. And so it began in the year 2000 C.E. when a bold, fearless, much too sexy person came forth and issued the declaration to "proclaim myself as King of Elders StarCraft." Hence began the reign of King MuchTooSexy of Elder.  Bold claims, as we all know, are made to be challenged. And soon, a brash young Elder known as Sir PylonHead stepped forth with his own proclamation: "You are so challenged... I'm shining up my scepter as I write this." And so a royal tournament was devised in which the King and the challenger would face off in 3 separate events. The King would choose the location of the first and third matches, while the challenger would choose the second. This is the historical record of the first match. And so, the royal decree was issued, "We, the self proclaimed Elder's King of Starcraft, will defend our crown and our honor today"  The King chose one of his favorite battlefields, Snowbound. He then began lamenting on all the royal tasks taking up his time keeping him from practicing the art of war, commenting that his skills had "deteriorated to the point that a 6pool is likely to force us to abdicate our throne to an Usurper...." The ever cocky Usurper replied, "If you can lose to a 6 pool on Snowbound then your skills have deteriorated.  :) (resumes shining scepter)" And so, according to the rules of chivalry, both went random and had fate decree the race they would use to battle for the "Crown of Old". PylonHead Purple Zerg 12:00 aka The Usurper V. MuchTooSexy Green Protoss 3:00 aka His Royal Majesty

In accordance with Island map building policy, quick tech builds became a race to see who could checkmate whom. 

MuchTooSexy builds a Pylon on 7 1/2 supply followed by an Assimilator and a Gateway. The moment the Gateway finishes, the King has 14 drones gathering minerals and gas and promptly warps in a Cybernetics Core.

PylonHead  begins by hatching an Overlord on 9 supply followed by another Hatchery. An Extractor and a Spawning Pool quickly follow. The Usurper now has an Overlord hovering silently above his enemies Nexus and watches as a Robotics Facility and Forge are warped in while at home a Hydralisk Den is morphing into the creep and both Hatcheries are being upgraded.

PylonHead  makes the first mistake of the game as he leaves his Overlord over the base of the King even though he knows the King has a Cybernetics Core. In a match-up between two great warriors, sometimes it's the little things that prove the biggest in the long run. We shall see...

MuchTooSexy puts his few extra seconds of relief to good use as he promptly shuttles a Dragoon, Zealot and Probe to set up an outpost on the valuable center strip. At the same time at home, His Majesty has been strategically placing just a few cannons around his base.

PylonHead has placed 2 sunkens around his mineral line waiting for the Reaver drop he is sure is soon to come, but the King never had any intention of using his robotics bay for a Reaver and has instead been scouting the map with a royal plethora of Observers.

A control group of Hydras were dropped to the north of the Kings stronghold. 4 Dragoons, a Zealot and 2 cannons stand ready to defend their liege from this early strike. Extremely precise micro from the besieged King's forces quickly whittled away the attackers.
Apparently, MuchTooSexy's royal upbringing included many lessons in troop control and it showed as the Dragoons would dart in, then draw the Hydras into a nice cross fire from two very well placed cannons. The hydras were destroyed with very few of the King's men having to give their lives.

Well said.

Royal battles throughout history have always been a matter of finesse and this match, I could see, would be no different. The King has now taken possession of a castle overlooking the frozen river in the southeast (he expanded). He soon has a small force patrolling the middle and when the royal spies bring news of an attempted expansion in the far southwest, the patrol is sent to snuff it out.

Except for that one skirmish, however, MuchTooSexy has yet to directly assault his eager foe. He is instead attempting to out expand PylonHead with his second expansion at the 9'Oclock start position. 

His Majesty is now stretching himself very thin in a rather daring move which proves to be rather painful as PylonHead has gathered up another load of Hydras with a plan to assassinate, or at least maim, the King.

Proving that he is either a very loved or a very feared monarch, the probes prove their loyalty by flinging themselves into the painful and perhaps deadly saliva produced by PylonHead('s troops) thereby sacrificing themselves so that he may live to fight on.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the Battlefield King MuchTooSexy is trying to take an insurmountable resource lead by expanding to the 9 O'clock main.

Sir PylonHead is at the other extreme, and has still been unable to expand due to the constant Dragoon patrols in the center. The Usurper is beginning to get desperate and decides to keep the pressure on the King's main base of operations by landing yet another drop on the already weakened main.

Even after a valiant struggle in which every single probe was slaughtered, the loyal troops proved to be not enough as the King's resources were too strung out. His main was gone, but the King had pulled through worse times before and he was not ready to say quit. He knew he still had two expansions, 2 Gateways, and had not allowed his opponent to expand.

Soon his marauding band of Dragoons caught sight of the now dreaded Overlord caravan headed straight for his last two Gateways and the race was on to see who
could reach the precious structures first. Of course we all know speed upgraded Overlords are faster than Dragoons and I think we all know that it's just about time for another collage.

The King has manage to save one of the Gateways, but has very few troops, only 2 Gateways (one was built in the 9:00 main), and no other tech to speak of. Things would seem grim if PylonHead hadn't been loosing so many troops or had been able to expand. Both contestants are bloodied, sweaty, tired, and maybe even cold, but both knew they had to fight on. A kingdom is not something you give up lightly. The Usurper has finally established an expansion for himself by taking over the main of his hearty foe.

PylonHead, tired of being starved out all game realizes he has to shut down MuchTooSexy completely and launches an attack aimed at the southeast expansion.

His 7 or so Hydras destroy the Nexus before being destroyed in turn by the King's central shock troops.

For a while now, MuchTooSexy has been holding on by his fingernails. PylonHead has him by the neck, and when he not only drops, but also starts an expansion at the 9 O'clock main before the Kings buildings are even destroyed, we all know round one is going to Sir PylonHead.

And so it has come to pass that His Royal Majesty, King MuchTooSexy of Elder, Defender of the Elderly, Wearer of the "Crown of Old", and any other titles I can come up with before the end of the series, has lost his first battle. 

Will he simply sink into a state of depression, or has he been practicing every spare minute he can find?

Will Sir PylonHead, perhaps a little overconfident now, decide Sunday is "drinkin day" and come into round two sloshed out of his head? 

Will the King once again have to suffer the infamy of playing with, "the imbalanced, dirty, skanky, bottom-feeding, offensive-cannoning, cheesey, d-webbing, trashbag species" (his own words) and still loosing? 

Will the Usurper ever realize he's just too old to be playing these silly games?

Will I praise the banner making abilities of Drac as promised?

All these questions and more will be answered when I damn well feel like answering them (or in the next episode).