I don’t know what came over me that day. Maybe it was that extra dose of helium, or that extra long flame post on the Forum. I really shouldn’t read those. Whatever the cause, I was inspired to observe and report a Pubbie FFA. What you are about to read is not suitable for people of ages “Literate and Up.”

You’ve been warned.

There are a lot of Lost Temple Observer maps to choose from. Finally selecting our local hero’s own version, I created the game and patiently waited for complete strangers to double-click on the words, “Winner Gets Medic Porn.” It doesn’t get more exciting than this, folks.

My wait was not long. First came “apostrophe.” Seriously, folks, do some people drink when they stare at the “Create A New Account,” menu? The next victim was a bit familiar to me, one of those who had attempted to join my previous games, which I tried to create, but failed to garner the right amount of people. He was going under the name “]_ord.Drizzt.” I would reiterate myself, but why bother.

Finally, our third prospective player joined, cruising with the name badtz_maru. I have no comment.

Apostrophe and Lord both chose Protoss, and received the 3:00 o’clock and 12 o’clock respectively. Badtz elected to be a mysterious Random, and spawned as Zerg at the 8 o’clock position. Quickly grabbing my notebook, I was wide-awake for an evening of great fun. Boy, what optimism follows a thirteen-year-old battle reporter, huh?

Well, for the exception of the Zerg Player, the Protoss Executors did normal build orders. Apostrophe ordered up a pylon on his 7th probe, a Gateway on his 10th, and went for a forge soon after. Lord, on the other hand, put in an assimilator and then forge after his Gateway on his 10th probe.

The game was running smoothly, like any other Lost Temple FFA. I jotted down notes on Badtz’s build order, but kind of fell out of my chair in laughter. He morphed an Overlord on his 8th drone, went for a Spawning Pool on 10th, immediately ordered up 6 zerglings. I grimaced, preparing to make preparations to battle report a 1v1 rather than a 3 player FFA. None of the Protoss players could defend against 6 zerglings at this point. However, as soon as these zerglings made it down the ramp, they went straight to the top ridge of the 6 o’clock natural.

I was scratching my head as Badtz told his zerglings to start and wander across the whole map. Only then did I realize what was happening. He spent the next three minutes trying to find the enemy. By the positions he was scouting, it was sort of obvious that he played Big Game Hunters. Unfortunately for him, by the time the zerglings found a possible target, both Protoss players had built up forces that could withstand this mighty rush.

Lord proceeds to tech towards Photon Cannons and Dragoons. Apostrophe, however, scouts his natural and kills an oddly placed pair of zerglings. Badtz is aware of the Protoss’ position now, and commands that his troops be sent to destroy the attackers. Er, I mean be destroyed by the attackers, rather. Two zealots and a dragoon sweep through six zerglings surprisingly fast!

Apostrophe then takes an aggressive stance and expands to his natural with five zealots and two dragoons taking defensive role. A quick scan check shows that Badtz is going for lurker tech, Lord is going for hard tech and dragoons off of two gateways, while Apostrophe… well, Apostrophe just likes cannons so damn much, he decides to build just about six of them at the ramp.

At about the same time the Apostrophe’s expansion sets up, Badtz’s lays down the foundation of his own expansion, guarding it with a paltry three hydra / eight zergling force. Things are quiet, until I notice that Lord’s Stargate is blinking. I excitedly wait to see what unit pops out. Maybe a corsair, to do some dirty overlord hunting? Or, it could be an early carrier, one of those nefarious BGH Pubbies that have stumbled into my game!

Uh, or it could be a scout. I kind of blink twice, you know the one, and then start taking notes again. Maybe I should get some ice cream.

Hey, you take a trip away from the game too, observe this mini map update.

Sitting back down with a new Rocky Road, I scan over my dear players bases to see what’s happened since my departure. Well, Apostrophe has built up his tech tree to focus on a large Dark Templar force, and is building more cannons. Lord, I notice, builds another scout. I don’t know about you, but I could cut the atmosphere of this game with a butter knife.

He also has control of nine dragoons, but scouts. I don’t know about ‘em scouts.

Badtz has an online expansion now, and fortifies it with 3 spore colonies. Maybe he found those scouts and grew a bit worried. Or, maybe he’s just a dumb idiot. He also keeps three lurkers, all finely micro-ed to be clumped in one corner.

Suddenly, action!

Lord moves down his dragoon force to attack Apostrophe, but that’s when catastrophe strikes. A turning factor in the battle is that Apostrophe has Dark Templar, and Lord has no movable detection. Needless to say, but I’m saying it anyway, Lord gets slaughtered. Lord, instead of pulling back his remaining dragoon force, decides to let them go on their own, and die. Yes, right on to the communist way! Make the probes work, screw the weak, and create a more powerful army! Go, communism! NOTE: The author does not support the ideas of Communism in any shape, form, color, or contrast.

But hey, what’s happening to the other player over there? Well, Badtz is slowly beginning to scout the map, and discovers the top-right island with his building Mutalisk air force. I must say, I don’t know whether that Mutalisk air force is the right way to go with two protoss, which one hold approximately thirty cannons and the other going dragoons. But, who would question Pubbies? They know what’s best for them.

During the aftermath, Apostrophe builds more cannons.

Badtz, I notice, has some strange obsession with the burrow command. He has roughly his whole ground army burrowed right outside his mineral natural expansion. Mind you, both forces are now traveling with observers due to the fact that Dark Templar have entered the battlefield, making burrow almost useless.

Shortly after this burrowing, Lord brings down about ten dragoons to try and kill off the Zerg Player. It is not meant to be, however, as the dragoons are brought down to five in number after the conflict with the burrowed units, and they stand no match against the lurkers and sunken defense that they meet in the base.

After this attack, like most Pubbies, Badtz grows worried about his lacking base defense, and lays down more sunken colonies and burrows about seven lurkers at the top of his ramp, while still in distance to assist the bottom expansion if needed. Leave it to beaver!

Apostrophe builds more cannons.

Badtz burrows some more ground units.

Apostrophe now has a line of cannons above his ridges, thus creating a sort of cannon moat. Lord is unable to take anything but his natural for an expansion. Badtz must’ve had the same thought, as he takes the 6 o’clock main base for an expansion.

Apostrophe now has a deadly DT force being made out of one gateway, Badtz has about 6-7 dragoons from 2 gateways, and Badtz is burrowing more units. Are you orgasming in excitement yet, cause I sure am!

Ah, at least now these Protoss players aren’t true Newbies. I glance over their bases and see a High Templar or two, and say to myself that I’ll capture some great ol’ storming! But, what’s this? No, what are you doing! They’re merging them together to form Archons! No you fool you need Psi-Storm! Fools!

What the hell is this? Dark Archons? Eh? The mystery grows… and so does Badtz’s air force, which is now guarding an expansion attempt at the top right island. Like how I tied that in, eh?

Now, I’m pretty sure something happened that made the game totally change sides. But, at this unfortunate time, I had to clean my nose, so I didn’t get any notes. Let me tell you, though, this was a big loogey. Damn, it was the size of Colombia. And I’m not talking about no District, I’m talking about the actual… well, you know what I mean.

I come back to see Lord’s and Apostrophe’s forces dangerously close to each other. Apostrophe then goes and selects one of his Dark Archons to mind control one of Lord’s Dark Archon. Lord in turn takes one of his spare Dark Archons and mind controls his back. I seriously believe that if both sides had about 10 Dark Archons, they would be trading that Dark Archon back and forth for about five straight minutes.

Apostrophe then takes his forces of Dark Templar, corsairs, and Dragoons and attempts to knock off Lord’s natural expansion. Lord is unable properly attack this force, for every unit he sends out of his main base is attacked by not only the attack force itself, but is also attacked by the cannons above the ridge. Oh my!

At the base itself, a force of about seven dragoons pose serious problems to conquer the base, but are soon destroyed by some nice triple storms. The few dragoons left are put under Disruption Web, and are attempted to be killed by Dark Templar. After Apostrophe sees that his units ALSO can not attack under Gay-web, he sends off some dragoons to dispatch the enemies. The base falls in minutes.

Badtz burrows a bit more units.

Lord now takes a small recon force and searches the map, maybe in an attempt to find a new base of operations. In his aid is an Archon, Carrier, some token Zealots, and an observer. Did I mention more Dark Archons?

Lord takes this force and discovers the mineral only below his base. He moves over the burrowed zerglings quickly, and is prompted to kill Badtz’s attack force… more zerglings. The Dark Archon then goes down and mind controls a zergling. This zergling faces its once ally both start to attack each other simultaneously. Who will win? No, the question your asking yourself is probably, “Who the hell mind controls a zergling?” But no matter, let’s get back to the action.

Well, mind controlling that zergling… well, uh, yes… uh, Lord “won” that battle of zerglings… don’t know how cost-effective it was, but he won it alright. His ling was then killed by Badtz’s reinforcements.

Apostrophe builds some more cannons.

Badtz now has a very large force of Mutalisks stationed at his top-right island, waiting until the time bides right to strike. Badtz also starts morphing some scourages, perhaps to combat the corsairs that Apostrophe is making.

OK, I admit, if you’re still reading, you have a much longer attention span than me. I mean, this is like a serious battle report about some fucked up Pubbie FFA. I would personally read Breeze’s battle report once more, or maybe throw myself on an upright spear or something. Here is your reward.

Back to the battle at hands. Lord is now in the most unfortunate of situations, and has no mining base to mine from. Badtz has about 3 expansions set up, and Apostrophe is currently busy doing long-distance mining, maybe a result of the hit and run Mutalisk attack on his natural, that killed about ten probes.

Apostrophe guards Lord’s expansion with Dark Templar, killing the probes that are long-distance mining. Lord scares away these DT’s with the aid of an observer and scouts, but these scouts are in turn destroyed by corsairs. In a few short minutes, Lord leaves the game, forcing this a 1v1.

Apostrophe builds some more cannons, perhaps in anticipation of a Zerg attack.

Suddenly, a huge mass of guardians and Mutalisks fly from out of Badtz’s top-right expansion. A few overlords grotesquely provide detection for this hulking mass as it destroys the Protoss who left the game. Apostrophe grows aware of this threat as his DT’s, which attacked the main base, are now being destroyed. Quickly, he sets up more cannons and corsairs.

Through some mealstrom, and clever use of stasis field, this attack is prolonged for a bit further, but reinforcements and the natural time span of the spells take place, and Apostrophe’s base is over run.

After destroying some of the few hopeless bases that Apostrophe had built around the map, Badtz conquers all with his swarm and wins the game.

Here's the scores, for those who care:

Subj: Hello, winner of FFA
Date: 9/17/00 10:01:26 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: E-mail address with-held.
To: E-mail address with-held.

As promised, I provide you the link for some Porno. Now, this isn't exactly medic, but I find that you'll be pleased. Please copy the below URL to your URL line and search for the specific report on the site.

Thank you for participating in "The Search for the Medic Porn."

http://www.battlereports.com/search.php?author=nobody

WarLeaderJustin

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Thanks everyone, and I hope you had, at the very least, a decent read!

From yours truly,
WarLeaderJustin