I know I'm copying WilliamWC3 here and I know its asking a bit much, but please could you download some fonts here and unzip them to your windows/fonts directory so the report looks like it should? Plus, the fonts are kewl. Then refresh this puppy. After its loaded, feel free to read this report and enjoy! This was a fun game to watch, report, and play (according to the players), so I hope I did it justice. teck.lika.hore presents to you:

MAP: Tribes (192x192)

8 starting positions in each direction of a compass (I'll be referring to positions by this standard so break out your Junior Woodchuck Guidebooks), with mineral-only naturals in a ring right outside the mains. Each main is surrounded by 2 large cliff expos, and there are 4 resource patches in the center.

Starting Build Orders

Translation: 'Probably the best writing in the BR right here, I bet.'

Hoss - Supply, Refinery, Rax, Supply
Mecha - Pylon, Gate, Pylon, Forge, Assimilator
Satanic - Extractor, Hatch, Spawning, Creep (Sunken)
[s]amurai - Spawning, 2 Creep (Sunken), Extractor
d2ppl - Supply, CC, Rax, Rax

DAYBREAK

Translation: 'The sky was pink and the winds smelled of promise...and fish. But something was definitely not right. Probably the fish.'

All players initiate scouting, the Zerg with their overlords, and d2ppl with an SCV through the base of Mecha, who uses a Probe to determine where the SCV came from (k that sounded a bit off kilter). All players scout, that is, but Hoss, who seems to be relying Jedi powers *cough* hack *cough* to locate his opponents.

Taking note of d2ppl's early expo and lack of troops, Mecha warps in a Cannon at his main and sends his Zealot to wreak some havoc. The bold SCVs turn to confront this foe, wielding their sparkly blue laser mc-zappy thingies in an effort to drive off the warrior while the newly completed Barracks begin Marine production.

The concentration of SCVs, however, prevents much damage from being wrought by either party. Another Zealot joins the fray as the first dies, dragging down 3 SCVs with it. The surviving Protoss warrior heads to the expansion to disrupt mining operations, which have just commenced.

Mecha warps another Cannon and a Cybernetics Core and orders another Zealot to join his comrade in battle, but retreats them at the sight of several of d2ppl's Marines, freshly recruited from his two Barracks. Weighing his options, Mecha chooses to contruct a Citidal of Adun, most likely for Templar tech.

MEANWHILE...

Translation: 'Oh yeah, there are other players in this BR...'

Meanwhile, Hoss and his no scouting are working in tandem on a secret heavy metal build. 2 Factories and then a Starport are ordered for production by the Terran commander. Having not been scouted yet has allowed him to remain safe with only a token few Marines for defense.

By this time, both Zerg have begun morphing Lairs, but [s]amurai adds his second Hatchery at this point while Satanic spawns several Zerglings. Upon completion of his Lair, Satanic builds a Spire to draw upon the powers of the creatures of the air, and [s]amurai is but a step behind him.

Mecha adds a second Gateway at his main and places a Pylon at his natural, obviously for Cannon defense and a new expo. d2ppl's roaming SCV discovers that Hoss is building an Engineering Bay and has at his disposal 1 Tank (with seige mode on the way), and is chased away before drawing the attention of the idle Marines. In preparation, d2ppl constructs 2 more Barracks at his main, and sends another scouting SCV towards his Protoss foe...straight into the arms of 2 Zealots and a Goon on route to his base.

After dispatching the SCV, one of the Zealots takes a curious look into d2ppl's base, and engages the 9 Marines standing by, falling after killing 2. Realizing its not worth the cost, Mecha retreats as the Marines give pursuit, but they, too, retreat in the face of one casualty and 2 pursuing Goons. While d2ppl is constructing an Academy, Hoss has filled a Shuttle with 2 Tanks.

The bombardment commences on d2ppl's left cliff, and a wing of #F0DA22 Mutalisks begin to race towards the base of samurai, who has a standing army of about 12 Speedlings. On the north of the map, a civil war ensues as the brown Tanks fire their Arclite rounds on hapless teal SCVs. d2ppl is none too pleased with the turbo newbie, but he shouldn't really worry, because 2 Dark Templar in their shimmering cloaks are on the way to his base to help out with their warp blades.

d2ppl buckles under the pressure of the dual strike and promptly quits at the same time as Satanic's Mutalisks are cutting through [s]amurai's base. In an attempt to divert the mutalisks' attention from carving his Drones, [s]amurai sends a wave of Speedlings towards Satanic's main, defended lightly with 4 Zerglings and 2 Sunkens, but 3 new Mutalisks spawn in time and the Zerglings fall, killing one Sunken and the Zerglings. Another desperate attempt by [s]amurai is made, though futile, and [s]amurai concedes defeat and asks for obs. Satanic agrees, finishing off all of [s]amurai's buildings but one Sunken.

2 DOWN (or, THE BUILDUP)

Translation: '3 men and a little observer. And [s]amurai. And some Bengalaas. Oh yeah, there's also this guy named Goobs that's really annoying, but then again most eunuchs are.'

Mecha begins High Templar production and Psi Storm research as Hoss pumps more metal, begins constructing a Command Center at his natural, and packs his Tank drop up. I assume that he then tries to ship it home but somehow it wound up heading towards Mecha (god damn UPS). Mecha's Goons fail to drive away the Tank drop, and so he begins a Nexus at his natural, upgrades Ground Attack, and builds a Robotics Facility to fly to the tanks.

Satanic takes this opportunity to expand to his natural and continues to pump Mutalisks. Hoss begins an Armory to fuel his metallic juggernaut, pumps SCVs at his new expo, and with the money saved during the turbo newbie, throws down: an Academy, Supply Depot, second Barracks, and begins upgrading Infantry and Vehicle Weapons (bad macro ^^). None of these, however, would save the two Tanks on Mecha's cliff from a Psi Storm and a Shuttle-dropped Goon, saving the main's Nexus at 150 health.

At this point, Satanic decides to morph in a Queen's Nest for a Hive and what appears to be Greater Spire tech, and sends his wing of Mutalisks along the southern expansions and mains in search of his Terran and Protoss foes. Hoss, at least, is keeping to his part of the map (West siiiiide. Ok, that was bad. Its 4am, k thx), beginning contruction of a new Command Center by the cliff below his main, as well as a Science Facility for mobile detection and another Armory. After the Command Center flies to the cliff, Hoss builds another CC at [s]amurai's old natural.

Satanic morphs a Hive and another hatchery at his base, and with newly researched Ventral Sacs, flies a Drone to the cliff to the right of his main for another expo. Mecha sends a scouting Zealot clockwise to look around, and in the meantime builds a Nexus at d2ppl's old main. He begins another Gateway at his main while Hoss is researching Irradiate.

Satanic's master plan is unveiled now as he begins building an Ultralisk Cavern. With the first action in a while, the Sunken at his natural kills Mecha's patrolling Zealot, and the wing of bored Mutalisks descends upon Hoss' newly completed Command Center at [s]amurai's natural, razing it to the ground. In celebration of this victory, Satanic sends a Drone to build a Hatchery on the cliff to the left of his main, bringing his total up to 4. Hoss has added a rax and turrets to his cliff expo, and has several irradiate-capable SVs with his metal army.

MINIMAP UPDATE

Translation: 'This BR really needed another picture, and the one of Yoda humping the Sheep somehow didn't fit.'

|==== INTERMISSION #1 ====|

Translation: '[s]amurai was really bored as an observer, and he had some overlords, and...well, its pretty obvious.'

STUFF GOING ON

Translation: 'teck couldn't think of a better title'

Satanic morphs another Hatchery on his right cliff expo, while at his main several very small Eggs hatch several very ugly 0-0 Ultralisks. Another scouting Zealot from Mecha, this time heading counterclockwise, meets its death at the hands of a Goliath and an SCV by Hoss' natural. Hoss flies 7 Goliaths to his cliff expo for protection as Satanic builds more Mutalisks and Ultralisks.

Hoss builds another Command Center by his other cliff expo. Mecha has built an Observatory at his main, and has expanded again at the southeast main. And since no self-respecting Protoss Executor left alone long enough on a large map can be complete without one, Mecha melds two superfluous Dark Templar into a Dark Archon, and researches Mind Control for the crimson little bugger.

Satanic joins the scouting effort with 2 Zerglings, and begins researching Ultralisk Carapace, Melee Attack, and Air Carapace. Mecha has constructed a Stargate and another Nexus at his left cliff, and just for shits and giggles, Mind Controls one of d2ppl's leftover SCVs by the Terran's former natural. I'm pretty sure d2ppl would have been a major presence in this game if he were not so busy being dead.

|==== INTERMISSION #2 ====|

Translation: '[s]amurai was really bored again. or You should have known that I'd put another one in.'

DEATH, KILLING, AND BATTLES, OH MY

Translation: 'Its about bloody time something bigger than a Zergling died.'

Satanic's Mutalisk squadron discovers Mecha's naked southeast expansion as a line of Probes are squeezing themselves toward it (sorry I really couldn't resist; saying Maynarded wasn't sick enough) and soon a line of mad fast 1-3 Ultralisks are streaming headling at the Nexus just as a couple Cannons come online. Mecha's Probes turn tail and run back home as Satanic's Mutalisks join the slaughter of the base.

Hoss is busy assembling his 2-1 (2-2 is on the way) Metal Platoon of Ass-Whuppin outside his main. The force rumbles south towards Satanic, and stops next to the Zerg Cerebrate's left cliff. 2 Science Vessels accompanying the Platoon spot the expansion and promptly Irradiate each other and execute a move I've heard of a lot but never seen.

The Metal Platoon begins the assault of the scarcely defended main, and Satanic scrambles his army back, holding the 18 Tanks, 10 Goliaths, 9 Marines, and 1 Vulture (yeah just one... why, god, why?) with his base garrison of 2 Ultralisks, which promptly explode like the elephant bastards that they are.

While the returning Ultralisks and Mutalisks engage the Metal Platoon (*DeBeers music playing in background*), the Marines run around and take free shots on Satanic's buildings. The Science Vessels return from Drone detail and aid in the slaughter with a few well-placed Irradiates. The Zerg forces manage to kill 3 Tanks and all the Goliaths, but at the cost of all but 5 weakened Mutalisks, who promptly die to Marine fire. The tanks seige up and mop up.

After a long period of inactivity, Mecha moves his 2-1-2 ground troops out in front of his main and plants them there, waiting. A detachment of Hoss' Tanks move west to take out Satanic's natural, and the rest of the Platoon move to eliminate the Zerg base on the cliff with Arclite rounds and Science Vessel spotting. At Satanic's natural, the brave Drones rally to attack the tank detachment and manage to take one out (well, splash fire from the other Tanks helped a smidgen). Science Vessel Irradiation kills the drones that the Tanks by the cliff expo cannot reach.

!!!BLANK SPACE!!!

Mecha (remember him?) sends a Probe-filled Shuttle (bwa ha ha that's hilarious) to the cliff to the right of his main, but it is engaged and destroyed by 2 Mutalisks who escaped the carnage at Satanic's main. In response, a small flight of Corsairs take to the air, and the Protoss Executor maynards his Probes over to a building Nexus in the northern of the center mineral-only patches as pieces of Mutalisk fall from the sky. As he continues to amass his 2-2-2 forces...as I look up and take not of the production of several Factories, a Starport, and an Armory in his new Terran expansion (!) in the North natural.


Satanic, not one to give up, builds a Hatchery at the cliff to the right of the southern main, and through his Spire, still alive at his other southern cliff expo, morphs Scourges and destroys the pesky Science Vessels. The Cerebrate then morphs a Hive at his original (left of his ex-main) cliff expo and rebuilds drones to replace those who fell to that first Irradiate attack.

Mecha constructs another Nexus at the East main and long distance mines the minerals until it is completed. Apparently having not allied nor shared vision with [s]amurai, Mecha proceeds to slaughter 2 of [s]amurai's Overlords as they were following my Command Center in a good ol' fashioned Congo line. In his quest to wipe the Zerg presence off the map, Hoss unloads 8 3-3 Goliaths (from now on, his Pimp Squad) onto Satanic's original cliff where a Hive and 2 hatcheries are morphing, causing Satanic to cancel them and build another Hatchery at his new southeast cliff expo and a greater spire at his south cliff expo.

---

MINIMAP UPDATE

Translation: 'Reason to buy a faster modem #926'

---

AS I WAS SAYING...

Translation: 'As I was saying...'

Satisfied that Satanic is under control, Hoss reassembles his mighty 3-2 remade Metal Platoon o' Ass-Whuppin outside his main, unaware that Mecha is also pumping Tanks from his factories, with a Covert Ops building off his Science Facility. Satanic has built Hatcheries at the south natural and the southeast natural, and is pumping Mutalisks from his existing Hatcheries, as well as morphing a hydra den at his southeast cliff expo.

As my noble SCV rids the world of two more Bengalaas, Hoss drops his Pimp Squad onto the southern cliff expo, so Satanic hastily morphs all his Mutalisks into Guardians while he still has a Greater Spire and constructs a Spawning Pool at his southeastern cliff expo.

Mecha builds a Nuclear Facility at his north natural, and a Nexus at the east natural and at the southeast main (bringing his total number of bases up to 9. Yeah, 9. Noting the creep extending towards his southeast Nexus, Mecha sends a detachment of troops to destroy it. A scan sweep reveals a concentration of Overlords and Guardians on Satanic's southeast cliff expo, and Hoss sends 5 Irradiated Science Vessels to wreak some havoc. Undeterred, Satanic upgrades to a Lair at his cliff expo and wards Hoss' Science Vessels off with newly spawned Hydras.

Suddenly a wing of 6 1-1-3 Corsairs break over the horizon, firing their white splashy thingies all over the Terran and Zerg fliers. Hoss casts several last-ditch Irradiates and retreats, but the Overlords keep getting pounded by Corsair fire, until the Hydras manage to kill one and the cute little ships retreat. Mecha sends his entire ground forces south to do what he can to finish off Satanic...
When a giant brown blob on the minimap (sick pervert) consisting of 24 (unseiged) Tanks, 14 Goliaths, and 5 Marines begins assault of Mecha's center expo, and the Protoss army turns around to defend their home. Things are looking grim for Mecha when all of a sudden, a new line of white plows down from the north - Mecha's 1-0 Tanks have arrived. Mecha seiges up and the brown Tanks are slowly decimated, and with a couple well-placed Psi Storms and the rest of Mecha's ground forces, the Metal Platoon o' Ass-Whuppin is no more.

Satanic begins building dual Evolution chambers and pumps Hydras like a mofo as Mecha proceeds to add an Arbiter Tribunal to his repetoire of buildings by his main. Hoss takes stock of the situation, and explains why he believes Mecha is winning.

The game seems to be over, but Satanic is not dead nor is he giving up, adding a Queen's Nest and more 0-1 Hydralisks to his base. Hoss isn't giving up either, and unloads his Pimp Squad of Goliaths (remember them?) onto Satanic's south main, razing the base to the ground (that always sounds weird, when you think about homynyms and stuff...or I'm just insane).

ARBITER GAYHEM...I MEAN MAYHEM

Translation: 'No, wait, I meant Gayhem.'

Mecha has built an Arbiter and is researching Recall for the bastard. He has located Hoss' cliff base with Corsairs, and while amassing forces, kills one of my 2 SCVs in the center. The Protoss Executor has also located a budding Hatchery at the west natural, an effort by the tenacious Satanic to add more fuel to supply his Hydralisk army.

At this point, Mecha decides to be cute, and proves that (A+B)xC = -C. No I'm not drunk. Look at the picture and whack your head with a mallet, you'll understand.

Hoss unloads his Pimp Squad on Satanic's eastern cliff expo, whose Drones promptly bury to avoid the destruction of the base. At this point, Hoss is down to one base on a cliff but has about 20,000 in the bank, and is basically at the mercy of Mecha, who has just discovered his last cliff base with Corsairs. But he still has his Pimp Squad, which proceed to destroy Mecha's southeast main and Satanic's south natural. Satanic builds a Hatchery back again on his east cliff with a buried drone, and sends 12 1-2 hydras to attack the pimp squad. The Hydralisks fight valiantly, but the power of 8 3-3 Goliaths is too much for them, and the spinethrowing doggies are put to sleep after killing 4 of the mechwarriors.

An Arbiter discovers Satanic's Hydra-filled cliff, and Mecha prepares his Tanks for another Recall drop. The Arbiter flies in, and promptly tries to Recall... Satanic's Hydras? The Arbiter is promptly shot down for its ignorance, and a Dark Archon Mind Controls a stray Drone and morphs a Hatchery at the east main, right above Satanic's cliff base.

STUFF GOING ON: THE SEQUEL!

Translation: 'Honey, I shrunk the Stuff Going On'

Satanic throws down 3 Sunkens, a Nydus Canal, and a couple Hydras at his rebuild east cliff expo, and unloads 12 Hydras to decimate Mecha's east natural. The base is razed, but Protoss forces nearby destroy the Zerg units, and in retaliation, Mecha drops 2 cloaked Ghosts on Satanic's east cliff and double-nukes the Zerg... 2 feet from an Overlord and 3 Hydras. Its pretty obvious what happened then.

In an effort to prove that he is not, in fact, really a 3-legged mongoose that jumped onto a keyboard and randomly pressed buttons, Mecha slaughters 2 Overlords in the now-detectionless base with a couple of Corsairs, and recalls a squad of ground forces who fire at the Sunkens unmolested. Satanic, who has just maynarded Drones from his untouched southwest natural to his new west natural and who began to offensive-Sunken Mecha's base right above him in the eastern main, desperately sends his Hydralisks to take out the Arbiter, and finally, the troops. The battle is won by the Cerebrate at the cost of some Hydralisks and Sunkens (not a bad exchange, except Mecha could easily replace his losses, while Satanic couldn't).

Hoss and his 20,000 minerals are now building a Factory on their cliff for the purpose of making Origami...er... Wraiths. Mecha replaces his Arbiter and settles his troops into a seige by Satanic's cliff, and begins Mutalisk tech at his Zerg base. Hoss has slapped down 7 or 8 Starports and is merrily cranking (non-cloaking) Wraiths out. Satanic builds another Hatchery at the south main as Mecha attempts to slowly break the Zerg's cliff defense with Tanks. Satanic attempts a 12 Hydra drop over the Tanks, but flies headlong into Mecha's waiting Dragoons and Goliaths clustered behind the Tanks.

The players mass their forces once again, Hoss with his Wraiths, Satanic with his 3-3 Hydras, and Mecha with... just about everything. The Protoss Executor provides spotting for a Tank at Satanic's cliff, and takes potshots at a nearby Hatchery on the cliff while recalling a contingent of ground troops to support the Tank. This proves to be a good idea as Satanic drops 16 Hydras down to fend off the assault. Mecha Mind Controls one filled Overlord, Maelstroms some Hydras, and lets his troops do the rest.

Satanic builds a Nydus canal on his cliff and sends his Hydras through it to his south main, and engages Mecha's forces by his cliff base, who, after killing the troops, are forced to engage Hoss' newly built Pimp Squad o' Paper, direct proof that 36 Wraiths x 18 Hydras = 4 Wraiths. Mecha then unloads 8 Overlords of miscellaneous Death onto the cliff, and with the help of Hoss' 4 remaining paper swans and a new flock of Mutas, destroys the cliff expo. Satanic, in good grace, finally decides to call it quits after an exhausting game.

And your winner is...

---

ENDGAME

Translation: 'A GREAT song by REM'

SCORES

Scores...right... Uh, about the scores... I was completely certain that I took pics of all the scores and such, but apparently I was mistaken. Sorry. The scores for Mecha and Hoss were fairly close, in the 140,000 range I believe, with Satanic at around 90,000. [s]amurai had about 30,000 and d2ppl had about 15,000. Once again these are rough estimates to cover my ineptitude, and the game lasted about one hour. Thanks for understanding, I make sure I have pics from now on.

LESSONS LEARNED

1) Never leave a protoss alone too long on a large map
2) Scout, scout, more scout. After that, scout more. Take a shower, then scout a lot more.
3) Don't play a good game that I am observing while I have midterms cuz then it takes me 2 weeks to get it out
4) Never play like d2ppl T.T

MVP UNIT OF THE GAME

Definately the MVP of this game was the Science Vessel for hilarious Irradiating antics.

TOP 5 OUT-OF-CONTEXT QUOTES OF THE GAME

5) "Not until I get my cornpops back" - MechaJamie
4) "I'll try and be gay" - Satanic_Toaster
3) "Tactics aren't allowed in ffa" - d2ppldunhavnuts
2) "ol on a crusade, all that shall see let thy pass" - [s]amurai-[scv]

...and the number 1 Out-of-Context Quote of the Game is...

1) "your mom's cost effective" - (~)Hoss!(~)

THE BEST OF POSTGAME CHATTER

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Well, folks, that's the whole report right there. Thanks for reading, and feel free to comment, flame, etc. This took me a long time, and I hope, again, that I did the game justice. Congrats to MechaJamie and all the other players for taking their time to let me watch their game. G'day to all, teck.lika.hore