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Hello there. Hey.. aren't
you that guy who always has his name at the top of
battlereports.com because you exchanged sexual
favors for quotes? Yes. Didn't you used
to like write battlereports and stuff? Yes, but
that was a long time ago. Now I mostly hang out in
nohunters claiming to be female, making wild
hacking accusations and wondering where all the
nhers have gone, and
why that bot keeps kicking me every 15 seconds.
Occasionally I'll tab out to post "HAHA 15 secs
J'0aned!!"
on the br.com forum and test my latest wacky
marquee scheme in someones comment section. Sure
I'd reminisce about the old days. The rating
controversies, the infamous black
stripe, that time JV's code cut
my I_Hate_Medics chronicles in half... but that
chapter of my life is over.
Or it was until now...
So there I was, sitting in
nohunters, being banned from
games, counting people who claimed to be female
and watching people try and talk to me as I
cleaned my keyboard.
Suddenly an internal processing error occured deep
within my cerebrum. A neuron misfired. A thought
was generated. I'm going to write another battle
report. Before I knew what was going on the
following words appeared in the chat log next to
my name: "KEKEKEKEK ME WATCHY ME MONKEY BOY ME BR
YOU NOW;sdkjfsd KAKAKAKA." Fortunately for me, no
one knew what that meant.. Well almost no one.
Hawk.. whispers me that he is interested in being
br'ed. Unfortunately everyone in the channel is
either offended by Hawk or afraid of him (or afk
since June 1967). To make a long story short, Hawk
finally finds some chobo to beat up on but I am
too distracted by a nearby shiny object to join
the game. And there our story ends, or so it would
have if not for a particulary observant suitemate
of mine.
Enter JPaikman, stage right.
JPaikman aka José aka the mexican exchange student
down the hall, had seen my neural spasm and took
me up on the offer. Well the last time I br'ed my
roomate I did get excellent reviews such as, "This
didn't suck" - RandomNHer and "Pics didn't load
and I couldn't read text but looks good :)" -
AnotherRandomNHer, so maybe this isn't so bad
after all. Hmmm well as all good br'ers know there
are certain things that must go into a good br.
First one must have two players. Then one needs...
um... well lets just focus on the players for now.
How could I find a second player for this game?
Well I could post on the br.com forum and then
test each applicant to diagnose their skill and
then rank them by... or I could just spam the
channel and take whoever isn't afk. I of course
chose the latter. Fortunately this technique
proved amazingly successful as MasturNate quickly
agreed to "game". Well lets get this party
started.
JPaikman
JPaikman, who is also my
suitemate named José has starred in four of my
battle reports and has even won one of them. He is
an above average player (by
nohunters standards) and has been
ripping shit up as of late. Will JPaikman be able
to continue his trend and add another br'ed
victory to his impressive total of one? Time will
tell.. well actually I will tell but time is
involved in this somehow.
MasturNate
MasturNate, known by
those who know him as Mr. Nate, MisturNate or just
Nate is the challenger in this battle report. And
quite a challenger he is. If you've ever done
/stats on him you know he's played more games than
there are jpegs in this br and won quite a few of
them. A professional starcraft player Nate can be
found in the channel on almost any day or night,
always willing to game whether its 2v2 or 1v1.
Also an above average player (again by nh
standards) he'll play anyone who challenges him
obs welcome, just don't patrol the bengalass in
his supply line.
Nate creates the game and JPaikman
and I join. I quickly notice funny little numbers
appearing next to my name. I look over to see what
map I am adding to my large collection and see to
my surprise, not SUper$+!!!$$$$
but Forsaken is the map Nate has chosen for the
first game. I initially assume that this is
Forsaken Valley but quickly realize my mistake. In
fact it turns out it isn't a blizz map at all.
With a little bit of research I was able to deduce
that this map was made by Jinxy.
The map is 128 x 128, 4 player, desert tile with
mains in the corner. Each main has one very wide
choke and no natural. There are expansions at 3,
6, 9 and 12 and a double expansion in the middle.
All of these expansions are below a cliff
accessible only by air. There are also cliff
expansions accessible only by air next to each
main. For more Jinxy maps you can go here.
Before
we go any further I'd like to introduce you to
Captain Ulionovich Rychesky Chobosky of the United
Earth Directorate aka Captain Chobo aka the voice
in my head that tells me to do the bad things.
Hiya. Captain Chobo will be watching the
game with me, making senseless comments, and
eating all of my chips. Hey I told you to get the
open ones. There are no open ones. Yes
there are. Now give me those. Gimme 'em. Just..
*ahem* And now the
game.
As the game starts JPaikman finds himself in the
bottom right corner as green and representing the
zerg swarm for tonights first conflict. In the
opposite upper left corner MasturNate warps in
representing the evil alien protoss race. MasturNate entertains fellow
observer Fear`Factor aka SOL999 aka BullShitPlayer
while he and JPaikman
develop their openings. Both players begin with
fairly conventional builds. MasturNate goes pylon,
gateway, assimilator, gatway, pylon, while JPaikman begins by building a
second hatchery at the 3:00 expansion and then
adds a spawning pool and a third hatchery in his
main. Looking at the map, I see that it does not
have any narrow chokes which could be advantageous
to the zerg cerebrate's offensive nature, or for
getting lurkers to MasturNate's supply line. On
the other hand the map has no easily defended
natural which may hinder JPaikman's swarm. Captain
Chobo what do you think of the situation? Do
you have any salsa for these... huh? Who do
you think is going to win? That would be
the
terrans. Captain Chobo, there are
no terrans. Just watch.
Anyway about
this time, MasturNate's
probe which has been wandering the map aimlessly
for most of the game finally finds JPaikman's main bottom right.
The probe immediately begins following a drone
around toasting its back with its little lazer.
Fortunately for the drone JPaikman realizes the
situation and with the help of a couple other
drones is able to drive off the robotic bastard
before any of his diligent little miners are lost.
At about the same time JPaikman sends out his own
reconnaissance mission in the form of two
zerglings. The zerglings head straight to the
upper-left, having ruled out the other two choices
by overlord. Once in MasturNate's base, the
zerglings attempt to run around and cause some
trouble but are quickly dispatched by the toss
executor's two zealots. Meanwhile JPaikman gets gass, adds
another hatchery to his main and begins upgrading
the base to lair. MasturNate adds a cybernetics
core and a citadel of adun
presumably to work on that all important zealot
leg
enhancement.
As expected after MasturNate puts up a citadel,
he begins massing speed upgraded zealots. When
Nate's forces number
seven, he sends them to gather at the choke of
Paikman's base.
Meanwhile though, JPaikman has stationed a
zergling at MasturNate's choke. Two more
of Nate's zealots on
their way to reinforce the rest of his troops
encounter and kill the scouting 'ling. However,
its news has already been broadcast back the
cerebrate and Jose soon
has twenty four lings and two sunkens at his main.
MasturNate sends his
zealots which now number 10 into Paikman's base from the left side. JPaikman who sees the zealots
immediately sends both of his control groups of
lings at them. However, Paikman's sunkens which he
placed behind the hatchery to make them more
difficult for zealots to get to are not within
range of the conflict and he loses a number of
zerglings before he retreats back to his sunks.
MasturNate pushes his
zealots forward but quickly realizes that they are
no match for the number of lings and sunkens, and
he pulls all of his forces back to his base. Well
it looks like both players are going to make it
into the mid game, any thoughts on the situations
of our players? You know, this reminds of that
time Kate and I were stationed in the Omega sector
and our commander, a real asshole, told us
to...
In the mean time both players have
been teching away. JPaikman has put up a spire
and a queens nest deciding to use his double gas
for a gosu guardian rush. On the other side of the
map MasturNate has
finished his templar archives and already cranked
out a dark and a high templar. JPaikman decides not to wait
for his guards however and aggresively sends about
36 lings across the map at MasturNate's main. Defending
Nate's base is about
ten zealots, an archon
and a dark templar. The majority of the zealots
die but not without allowing the dt and archon to
clean up all of the lings, the archon alone taking
out sixteen. So now both players have tried a
major attack and been pushed back and both players
have lost some troops. JPaikman still has his 3:00
expansion which Nate
hasn't found yet. ...so then Kate says "Why
don't you just shoot the dark templar?" Oh my God,
I don't think I've laughed so hard in my entire
life.
As soon as all the zerglings have been
slayed MasturNate
retakes the initiative by beginning a nexus and a
pylon at the bottom left main with a probe he had
stationed there, and sending all of his troops
towards JPaikman's
main. Unfortunately for Nate, JPaikman had an overlord near
the bottom left base and a zergling hiding in a
corner. When the 'lord notes the budding expansion
JPaikman orders his
zergling to attack and MasturNate is forced to
cancel. Meanwhile Nate's attack force
consisting of an archon, two dts, one ht, and five
or six zealots reaches JPaikman's main. Once again
the forces are able to dispatch a large number of
the 'lings away from the sunkens. However there
are not enough protoss troops left to handle the
sunkens. While the last zealots die Nate's templar lays a couple
of storms down in JPaikman supply line
crippling his economy. MasturNate escapes with a
lone archon leaving JPaikman with two thirds of
his supply line a couple of lings and both his
sunkens. Die evil psionicstormsonofabitches!!!
Die Die Die!! Umm.. lay off the crack, k?
Sorry, I hate those guys. Don't we
all.
Paikman
has now finished his hive, and deciding to hold
off on guardians for a bit, he continues to mass
produce lings and gets the adrenal glands upgrade
for them. Meanwhile Nate, determined to expand
sends a zeolot and a probe to bottom left. He
destroys the 'ling which ruined his previous
expansion attempt and begins warping in a nexus
and a pylon. When the pylon finishes MasturNate starts a cannon
and a gateway to secure his new base. However, six
cracklings arive on the scene just as the cannon
is finishing warping in and they manage to kill,
the zealot, probe and warping cannon with two
lings remaining. Soon JPaikman arrives on the scene
with more lings and MasturNate is forced to
cancel his remaining structures once again. MasturNate, intent on
revenge, counters by sending a dark templar down
to slice up the zerglings. However, JPaikman's overlord is still
in the area and the cerebrate is able to destroy
the dt before too many of his lings die. Now,
though Nate sends five
zealots and an archon down to the bottom left base
and finished off the rest of the lings losing his
archon.
While all of this conflict over the
bottom left base was going on, MasturNate, being the sneaky
guy that he is, has expanded to the upper right
main. Now MasturNate
decides its time for another attack so he sends
his five zealots from bottom left along with six
more zealots and two templars from his main to
Paikman's main.
Unfortunately for the 'toss executor JPaikman decides at the same
time to send 24 cracklings across the map to MasturNate's main. The
cerebrate's cracklings catch Nate's troops spread out and
kill most of them with few losses. A couple of zealots that do get through
join MasturNate's
forces from bottom left and enter JPaikman's main finding it
relatively abandoned. The protoss troops manage to
slice up a couple of drones and kill one of the
sunkens but soon Paikman has 14 more lings and
takes out the attack force. Meanwhile, back in
Nate's base, MasturNate manages to hold
off the 'ling offensive with a hastily trained
dark templar, two cannons and a shit load of
probes.
MasturNate
now finally finds JPaikman's 3:00 expansion
with a scouting probe. Nate continues to build dark
templars and bring his upper right expansion
online, while fear asks the question which is on
everyone's mind. So now the situation looks fairly
even again. Both players have one expansion. Both
have been pressuring each other hard but neither
have been able to deal out the final blow.
Would you wake me up when there is a terran in
the
game?
About this time, JPaikman builds his first gas
requiring unit of the game. The cerebrate morphs
three mutalisks and flies them immediately to the
cliff just south of MasturNate. Once there he
morphs all three into the much awaited guardians.
Meanwhile MasturNate
who has been paying attention to JPaikman's tech structures,
arguably even more so than Jose, has built a
stargate but has not produced anything out of it
as yet. The three guardians finish and begin
floating slowly upward into Nate's main. Nate, who has yet to build a
dragoon does have three templars and he makes an
admirable attempt to storm the guardians. However,
Paikman's guards are
well spread, and the cerebrate sends about thirty
lings into the base which also require the
templars attention. MasturNate loses a templar
and a bunch of zealots but manages to kill all of
the zerglings with the help of a dt. A corsair
finishes at MasturNate's stargate and
takes care of the three guardians before they can
do too much more damage.
At the same time this is going on
however, JPaikman has
morphed two guardians and sent them into to
bombard MasturNate's
upper right expansion. Nate now has two corsairs out and sends both of them
to his expansion. MasturNate also sends a dark
templar into JPaikman's
3:00 expansion where it is able to take out the
sunken before an overlord can get there. The dt
then begins slicing up drones, but its fun
is soon ended by a group of lings and an ovie.
These lings accompanied by about 12 more head up
to MasturNate's upper
right expansion where guardians have cleared out
most of the defense. By the time the cracklings
get there, the guards have been whiped out by
sairs, but most of Nate's ground troops have
also died. MasturNate
now pulls out his supply line to fight the lings
along with a dark templar he just built. JPaikman's overlord, however,
is right behind the lings and the corsairs are
unable to kill it before the dark templar is
trounced. The cracklings slaughter the probes and
then continue to work on the base. To make matters
worse, JPaikman sends a
devourer and five mutalisks to chase off the
corsairs. The mutas and cracklings now quickly
raze the base. In the mean time, JPaikman has set up a
hatchery at the 6:00 expansion although he has yet
to transfer any drones there. Wow, things
certainly have taken a turn for the worse for poor
Mr. Nate. Told you zerg would win. No you
didn't. Yes I did. No y.. lets just watch
the
game.
MasturNate
is now desperate for cash as he has now lost his
only expansion and is dry at his main, and you
know what they say about desperate times. Nate takes all of his mobile
troops, consisting of five zealots, an archon, a
dark templar, three corsairs, two high templar
about 20 probes and a partridge in a pair tree,
and sends over to the upper right base he just
lost. Stationed there JPaikman has a hand full of
lings, a mutalisk, two guardians, two devourers
and two turtle doves. So this is it, the final
showdown. Its all or nothing. Any comments,
Captain? Huk huk. Insightful as always.
MasturNate's big
firebat, zealot, probe combination quickly
eliminate the mutaling from the battle. The
corsairs engage the three devourers and the
templars attempt to sway that battle with a couple
of storms. Despite JPaikman's devourer
dancing, the corsairs are evntually
victorious. In the mean time though the two
guardians have been pounding on Nate's lone archon. The
archon tries in vain to reach the guardians but
there are too many zealots and probes sitting
under them and the big firebat ends up spining in
circles before it finally explodes.
Now JPaikman, realizing that all
of Nate's troops are
upper right sends a couple of groups of lings
along with Math.random() air units to MasturNate's main where they
find an abanonded base and begin to raze it.
Meanwhile MasturNate
sends all of his zealots, probes and templars from
upper right down to JPaikman's 3:00 expansion
where they find a defenseless supply line. Nate's troops chase the
supply line out of the base, but Paikman has finally began
producing drones at his 6:00 base and multiple
waves of cracklings finally beat down MasturNate's zealot probe
army. MasturNate
concedes the game and we all return to the
channel.
Lesson's Learned
You can beat 'toss without building
hydralisks.
Cracklings own.
Crackling + Guardian is "not that bad".
If you ever need any gas just see Jose he
has plenty.
MasturNate and JPaikman now
have a lengthy debate over various starcraft
strategies as I beg desperately for a rematch.
There was the usual nh gibbering going on during
this so you can just ignore any comments by
ManiacMarine and EternalWhackage in the pic
below.
This
conversation continues for several minutes before
I am finally able to break through and get them to
agree to a rematch. To read the next part of this
exciting series just follow the purple
arrow.
Home
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Starcraft Tournaments
Warning:
This report contains warnings of a non-sensical
and silly nature. If you encounter such a warning
it is strongly suggested that you ignore any
advice gleamed from reading said warning, and if
possible avoid reading the warning all together.
The warning may or may not warn you not to follow
this warning in an attempt to confuse you but it
is imperative that you not heed this warning. If
you have already been warned by a previous warning
to disregard all future warnings than please
disregard this previous warning. You have been
warned.
As the game starts JPaikman finds himself in the
bottom right corner as green and representing the
zerg swarm for tonights first conflict. In the
opposite upper left corner MasturNate warps in
representing the evil alien protoss race. MasturNate entertains fellow
observer Fear`Factor aka SOL999 aka BullShitPlayer
while he and JPaikman
develop their openings. Both players begin with
fairly conventional builds. MasturNate goes pylon,
gateway, assimilator, gatway, pylon, while JPaikman begins by building a
second hatchery at the 3:00 expansion and then
adds a spawning pool and a third hatchery in his
main. Looking at the map, I see that it does not
have any narrow chokes which could be advantageous
to the zerg cerebrate's offensive nature, or for
getting lurkers to MasturNate's supply line. On
the other hand the map has no easily defended
natural which may hinder JPaikman's swarm. Captain
Chobo what do you think of the situation? Do
you have any salsa for these... huh? Who do
you think is going to win? That would be
MasturNate
now finally finds JPaikman's 3:00 expansion
with a scouting probe. Nate continues to build dark
templars and bring his upper right expansion
online, while fear asks the question which is on
everyone's mind. So now the situation looks fairly
even again. Both players have one expansion. Both
have been pressuring each other hard but neither
have been able to deal out the final blow.
Would you wake me up when there is a terran in
the
game?