This isn't StarCraft. Try to stay with me here people! It's called WarCraft. WarCraft II, to be exact.

Now some of you may be wondering,

"What the hell is WarCraft? And why isn't this a StarCraft report?"

Well, sister, I'll tell you. This site is for reports of all kinds, so I'll take none of your crap! If you have further questions, please refer to the image on the right.

Warcraft II was the predecessor to StarCraft, and is the game that introduced me to real-time strategy. The new version (full game, expansion set, and Battle.net enhancement) only costs around $15, so go buy it! I guarantee (note: not really) that you will be 100% satisfied. Or you'll want to kill me and eat my skin.

Now, this isn't the average report. Oooh no. If you've read any of my report, you know that they're not normal. It's just not my style.

Now, I know what I'm doing when it comes to most games. On ocassion, I may actually be good at a game. Unfortunatly, WC II isn't one of those games. No-sir-ee-Bob.

Vitals:

Map: Spiral

Players:

SqueakyMonkey - Orc, Lower Left-hand corner.

BigRed01 - Human, Upper Left-hand corner.

The game begins. I know that he prefers dropping troops, but I know the map better than him, so my plan is to contain him and drop. At the left is how I started. After that, my build went all to hell. I built a rax, mill, and then more peons and farms whenever I had extra gold and lumber. I'm really bad at this game.

The shot on the right is my base after around fifteen minutes. I'm beginning to wonder about BigRed. He's [usually] better than me, which is beginning to make me nervous. I make an AxeThrower and grab a peon, and send them off to the coast to begin work on a shipyard. When the yard finished, I add a farm and begin work on a destroyer to scout.

While the destroyer is building, I start work on a Goblin Alchemist and a Scout Tower to defend my shipyard. My destroyer finished (Aye-aye, matey!), and I send it around, looking for telltale signs of BigRed. I expect to find a shipyard, oil rig, or massive fleet of death around there somewhere, but no. Nothing. The destroyer combs every coastline, to no avail. I start a Zeppelin.

Mr. Zeppelin finds BigRed at the island to the North of me. He has, so far, no ships, no oil rigs, essentially, nothing nautical. This is odd. While I'm pondering, I start an oil rig at the center. I'm not sure why I started it there, but I think that I was hoping to restrict BigRed's access to oil.

My Zeppelin is finally chased out of BigRed's base, but I have seen the whole thing now anyway, so I send it to hover over an oil patch close by. I've also got three tankers running oil, as well as three destroyers and two turtles guarding my coastline.

Feeling fairly secure, I begin an Orge Mound, Blacksmith (heh, kinda... forgot that... heh...). When those finish, I start work on my Fortress, and BigRed chimes in with the quote that just about made my day:

Yes, my friend, yes we are. I can't believe he didn't notice. Now I knew that I had the upper hand. I could win this! With my Mound finished, and Smith finished, I begin making Ogres and upgrading land weapons and armor. At sea, I had fully upgraded my fleet to keep my opponent from sneaking any transports through.

Finally he pulls a Flying Machine out of his ass (yikes) and scouts me. That damn gnome gave me so much trouble, but I'll get to that. As I chase the Flying Machine through my base with Axethrowers, I notice something: my cash flow has stopped. All of the lumber has been harvested, and the mine has collapsed. Shit. Fortunatly, I had the foresight to begin a Great Hall near the gold mine at the tip of my island.

Now, take a look at BigRed's base. Look at his northern coastline. See that yellow building? I didn't. It's a shipyard. I was so tied up trying to recover my economy, I didn't even notice. But the time I did notice, however, he had a tanker out and was building a rig. I dispatch a Destroyer and a Giant Turtle, who manage to bring it down to around 100 hp and kill an Elven Destroyer before dying. The funny thing? The reason that my Turtle died was because BigRed's Gnomish Flying Machine was there to see it. The same one as before. And I still didn't kill it! ARGH!

Knowing that BigRed has taken to the sea, I begin to worry. Three Turtles are dispatched to prevent him from sneaking any ships through, and I build and Alter of Storms. When it finished, I research Ogre Mages and Bloodlust. My ground forces are now fully upgraded, also. Now look at the minimap on the right. As you can see, I sent three Turtles. If you squint really hard, you can see that there are only two dots on the map to the right. There should be three. I didn't notice that, either. Why is this?

Sheild your eyes, children:

BECAUSE THAT STUPID (&$_)*!@^$ FLYING MACHINE WAS THERE!

Slow, deep breaths. He wheeled a pair of Ballistas up to the coast, flew THAT SAME FLYING MACHINE OVER, and blew up two of my poor Turtles before I realized what was going on. More ships were made, including a transport, because it was time to execute my plan.

Six Orge-Mages are loaded into the transport, and they sail set for BigRed's Southern Coast. When I reach the safe, Flying Machine-free coast, I have all of the ogres cast bloodlust on each other, and move in for the kill.

The six Ogres rampage through, destroying a few of his buildings, as well as wiping out all of his Peasants. Unfortunatly, it's not enough. Below is a rather large picture (It'll give you modem users a heart attack, I hope.) which shows how the battle went:

Six fully upgraded Knights come storming through my expansion, killing all of my Peons, destroying my scout tower, and killing my meager defense of an ogre and an axethrower. How did BigRed get this transport through? Simple. THAT FREAKING FLYING MACHINE spotted for his Ballistas, which wiped out my blockade. I didn't notice, because I was too busy at his base.

Panicking, I select my Barracks and click for a new Ogre-Mage. Then I select my Dragon Roost and begin on a dragon. Now, I would think that the smart thing to do would be to attack my barracks, or perhaps my shipyard. Nope. He goes straight for my Lumber Mill, then my Fortress.

I wait, watching helplessly as he destroys my base, for an Ogre-Mage. Finally, out pops... a Catapult. Shit. I was so nervous, I mis-clicked, and didn't bother checking. The Catapult lasts for exactly three seconds before it is swarmed and destroyed. I start a REAL Ogre-Mage, and my first Dragon finishes. Slowly, I kill all of his knights with the aid of my mage and a second dragon.

I begin rebuilding my towers and start another dragon, and make a new batch of peons for my expansion, when my last remaining Ogre falls from an unseen arrow. BigRed has landed again. A fresh set of footmen and archers continue the work of the knights. They are not as formidable, however, and are dispatched with relative ease.

What happens next is, well, very bizzare:

Now get out of here, I don't like any of you!