SOMEWHERE IN CANADA, EH - Prime Evil Diablo has been sighted in various places outside of Canada. He has begun his satanic reign by sending his servant and Lesser Evil, Andariel, to take over the Elsinore Brewery and begin charging the citizens of Canada exorbitant prices for their favorite beer.

Is there anyone that can save Canada from Diablo's reign of terror? Oh yes ...

NARRATOR: Our story begins as our two heroes enter battle.net, ready for a few rounds of Elsinore beer. Unfortunately, there seems to be no-one else at their usual hangout spot.

BOB: Hey, where'd everybody go, eh?
DOUG: I don't know, I think it was a server split.
BOB: A server split, what's a server split?
DOUG: A server split, that's like, when those Blizzard workers get real mad at not getting enough money from their games, and take like, a big axe, eh, and start breaking up all the servers, and so they just called it a "split," to sound good.
BOB: Oh. Kinda like when dad got real mad at us for drinkin' the last of the beer, eh, and had us do our last episode of Great White North naked.
DOUG: Yeah, eh.

NARRATOR: So the McKenzies set off to find the source of this evil menace that has plagued their hangout. The first stop was the field where they filmed "Attack of the Space Mutants," but found that it was full of hot women and various livestock.

AKARA: I am Akara.
BOB: How's it goin', eh?
DOUG: yeah, how's it goin'?
AKARA: There is a place of great evil in the wilderness ...
DOUG: Woah, a great evil, eh?
BOB: Hey, I don't know if I want to go up against a great evil.
DOUG: Well, they got our beer, so they got to be at least a little evil.
BOB: But I don't know, eh, this evil doesn't seem ... you know ... all that good.
DOUG: It'd have to be, if it took out all these rouge chicks and their buddies.
BOB: I don't know ...
DOUG: Hey, I wonder if we'd get, like, free beer if we help em out.
BOB: Yeah, like, free beer. And some back bacon.
DOUG: Yeah, let's go, eh.

NARRATOR: The first place that the brothers ran into was the Den of Evil. There they found Corpsefire, loveable old hermit mutated into loveable old zombie that wants to eat your brains.

BOB: Hey Mr. C, how's it goin'?
CORPSEFIRE: Brrrrrrrrains ...
DOUG: Hey, he doesn't act like Corpsefire the Hermit. He's got his insides all falling out and stuff.
BOB: Yeah, hey, why is that?
DOUG: I don't know, eh, hey Corpsefire, why are your insides all falling out?
CORPSEFIRE: Brrrrrrrains asdgfdgklbcalkjbfag
BOB: I didn't think he heard you.
DOUG: Yeah, he's like, got no information, eh. Let's get out of here.
CORPSEFIRE: ... Brrrrrrrains ... adsgfjbadsbeeeeergfdofn.
BOB: Hey, did he just say "beer"?
DOUG: Yeah, he said beer! He's holdin' out on us, eh.
BOB: So let's uh, let's get him!

NARRATOR: After defeating the poor, defenseless little zombie, Bob and Doug decide to go exploring, and find many a strange and new things.

NARRATOR: Performing tasks for the rouges has been rewarding for the two Canadians. For defeating a fallen member of their group, Kashya hooked up the boys with the services of two young ladies for as long as they shall live.

NARRATOR: Unfortunately, the young ladies did not last very long, and they were sent to a better place. Most likely one with no Canadians. Despite this loss, the brothers continued onward, ever vigilant to get their free beer from Akara.

BOB: How's it goin', eh? I'm Bob, and this is my part of the battlereport. Here I'm going to tell you about my amazing brush with near death. I even took some screenshots so you could follow along. They're a beauty, eh?
DOUG: Yeah, beauty.
BOB: Take off, eh, this is my part of the battlereport.
DOUG: Oh, didn't realize it, eh. On with the show.

BOB: Yeah, on with the show, eh. So's anyways, Doug and me were going around in the black marsh, looking for some stuff that would help us, like, defeat that demon lady who's got our beer. And then someone else came out wanting to see where we were, and what we were doing, and I got kinda scared, you know, it's like, the first time there'd be someone else in our party, eh. And we didn't want it to be any of that demon lady's henchmen in disguise. So I, uh, took it upon myself to ask some questions of this person.

BOB: I didn't know who this "bliz" person was, so's I guess he just looks a lot like me, eh. Sometimes they say I look a lot like that Rick Moranis guy, eh, but I think it's cos they want to soften me up so they can get their hands on my beer. I wouldn't have any of that so's I went back to the town area where he couldn't get me. Then I thought, hey, why not break the ice, you know? Just to let him know I'm friendly?

BOB: He didn't like that, eh, so he even got his Level 5 buddy to try and get me.

BOB: I didn't like that all that much, eh. Now I had two people wantin to kill me, and all my brother had to say was, like, "nooooooooo", eh.
DOUG: Take off, eh, I was, like, sharing a jelly with my golem.
BOB: you take off, we could have, like, killed him, eh.
DOUG: No way, eh. You can't kill a fallen in 1 hit.
BOB: I could take you out if I wanted to, eh.
DOUG: No way, eh. I got a skill shrine, so's I can shoot out a lot more of these neat white things.

BOB: Hey, look, there's like a forgotten tower!
DOUG: Cool, eh, maybe they know where we can get that beer from that demon lady.

NARRATOR: And Bob and Doug set off to find the evil demon lady whatever in the dark tower. When they find her, they begin using their skills of persuasion to convince her to tell them where the beer is.

NARRATOR: Unfortunately, our brothers overestimated the strength of this demon, and just before she could spill the beans, she disseapeared in a puff of gratuitous CGI.

NARRATOR: Out of leads, and running low on mana, will the brothers ever figure out how to defeat Andariel and reclaim the beer that's rightfully theirs? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT INSTALLMENT, eh!