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Laser Tagging – The Art of Fragging
A couple days ago, my friends and I decided to hit the local “Ultrazone” in some games of Laser Tag. Yeah, we’ve gone paintballing, and that was fine, until my eyes started to tear up because the twenty-year-old veterans in front of me kicked up dust in front of my face, but nothing is as sheer fun as a face-paced game of Laser Tag.
The arena we visited was huge, with three bases, Green, Blue, and Red. Deactivating the base awards you with around 500 points, and significantly boosts the team’s score. To deactivate bases, you need to shoot repeatedly at a small, glowing light, until sirens go off and the lights start to flicker on and off. Also, to gain points, you must shoot the other team, around 50 points on leggings and shoulders, but 100 points if you hit them in the chest. Accuracy is also put into the equation, so it’s crucial that you aim true and right. 
We filed into the building complex, and I noticed immediately that there was an impressive arcade. Looking over the beats of Dance, Dance Revolution, and the art of sniping with a simulated game where you actually have a huge rifle and it is your objective to bring down targets, the arcade was a worthwhile place to spend a couple 5’s in tokens.
Then came our first game. My friends and I, numbering 8 in total, would consist of Green Team, and we would be pitting our weapons of light against Blue and Red. Blue and Red consisted of 10 to 12 small 6 year olds, and 2-3 teenage brothers around 15, as well as one adult for each team. We hoped that these two larger teams would be distracted with each other, and we could just go around deactivating bases at our will.
Oh, how were we wrong.
The first problem came when we shout out that the other team was a bunch of newbies. Holy Mother of Christ, the little kids thought we called them nudies, and promptly reported that to the Game Masters. Game Masters are the people in the arena the regulate the game, and make sure no one is crawling on the ground or running so fast that they slam right into the other team. Basically, they’re bastards.
So, with the cards stacked against us already with a biased Game Master, we went into the game.
Game 1 |
I was Green 7, and we moved out to eliminate all those who passed before us. Immediately, little kids who thought it fun to charge us, en masse, took me out. Taking cover in our base, we used obstacles placed in our way to guard us, and deactivated the brats until they ran to their own respective bases... not firing on each other. It seemed Blue and Red was more than happy to be firing on Green team, but when it came to firing on each other, they were all too pacified for that. I cringed.
Moving in tandem with two other teammates, we took a hard flank to the right. That’s when I noticed my gun was a piece of shit. My friends had guns with laser beams, that when they fired, could actually see where their laser trail was going. My gun had no such beam, and evidently, was “charging up” from last round, and would not have a beam for 15 minutes. I was shooting blindly, so blindly, that my accuracy was less than 10% by the time the round was over. Civil War era guns were more accurate...
At one point, we had finally gotten to the enemy base, and we were firing into the glowing light to deactivate the base and reap the points, when a swarm of kids came into it. After they deactivated us, because it was basically a 15 vs. 3 there, they told us to “keep out of our home” and to “go away, meanie!” I felt insulted.
My teammates and I grudgingly went back to base, where we were being attacked by both Red and Blue who decided to not fire on each other, and were in fact standing side by side attacking Green. Four kids ran up to me and deactivated my vest as soon as it reactivated, and I had to push them away from me, in which case, their brothers came around.
So, this 15-year-old guy thought it was genius to take off his vest, and prance around like a bunny-hopping faggot, and then slams his gun into my friend’s vest. We responded by telling him to fuck off, and remove himself from our base, otherwise, he’ll likely get his ass kicked. After slurring some insults, he gathered up five of his fellow fags, and approached us once more.
Now, I don’t know how they raise white suburban kids these days, but they can’t find their ways out of a street fight for beans. After talking about our mothers for a couple minutes, they felt confident enough and wandered off to entertain their siblings.
A couple minutes later, the round ends, and we all congratulate on each other for surviving the stupidest 15 minutes ever. I notice that my gun now shoots a laser beam, and I smack myself on the forehead while exiting out.
Intermission |
During the period between games, the small children walk up to us again, and start to exclaim that if we “mess with Johnny, you mess with me, and my name is Robert, and if you mess with me, you mess with Joshua, right Josh? Hey Josh, stop eating my cake!” I drift off to tour the place.
The stats come out, and our team loses horribly due to the double-teaming. They beat up by over 50,000 points, and I’m so disgusted. I’m also ranked 8th on my team, because of my shitty gun… 8 out of 10. Nice.
Interesting enough, I find myself next to the Sniper-Gun game, and roll in two quarters. I’m treated with a storyline where I have to hunt this ultra sniper, and to get through to him, I have to eliminate guards posted along the way in a certain time period. Run out of time, and you obviously croak and die.
Commandeering the realistically modeled rifle, I take aim at the first still guard posted in the tower. I bring him down, and notice the game operates in a checkpoint fashion, as I’m awarded 5 more seconds on top of my 50 seconds. I bring another down and am rewarded with 7 more seconds… because my shot got him right in the head!! Awesome game, I go through it on those two quarters until the third mission, until our second game finally calls up.
We have intentionally missed another game with the small kids, as that was a miserable experience, and file up once again, making farm animals noises, into our waiting room to face our opponents.
Game 2
For Game 2, we’re pitted against a group of 3 6 year olds, 4 adults, and 3 teenagers. All African-American. We’re dead.
They get to pick colors, and choose Red. We pick Blue, and the 10 v 10 is on. Choosing my vest, I see I once again have a crappy gun with no laser beam, and am about to change vests when the Game Master counts down in a matter of seconds, starting the game. The bastard.
Well, this game is pretty much a raping from one asshole to another. There’s once certain black guy, about 18 in age, that strafes like a mother, and shoots down all six of my teammates at the base who are guarding it, and then brings down the remaining two that were trying to flank him. Exasperated, we start to go for cover when we see that he’s keeping his body behind the wall, and poking his head out and shooting.
Effectively, this makes it so the only way to deactivate him is to shoot his gun or to ambush him. Being right next to our base, his teammates are free to come and deactivate three times before the game is over.
Trying to bring him down is in itself a difficult task, but add on two other players who are a niche below his skill level, and it’s damn near impossible to win anything. The game ends, and while it wasn’t as childish as the previous one, it was still a beating.
Intermission
It’s quiet as we look up and wait for our scores. I purchase a Pepsi, just because they don’t have any Coke. Quietly sipping it, I ask when our next game is going to be. Great, ten minutes, just enough time to let the little kids play, and then we can play again… versus the same group of blacks. Eying my teammates about the thought put into this decision, they simply shrug, and say that it’s just a game.
Stats come out. I am ranked 10th on the team out of ten, and just walk away cussing. I remember the opposing team scored around 100,000, while we grabbed 50,000. Pitiful…
I float over to the DDR machine, and glance at a full grown 30 year old man busting his moves. Watching for a minute, I start to feel embarrassed for Americans everywhere, and move on. Inevitably, I take position at the Sniper-Gun game again, and roll in tokens.
Seems that there’s a game-play venue that I skipped over the first time. It’s called “Duel” and after selecting it, I know why. Basically, you are pitted against a adept sniper such as yourself, and your goal is bring him down in a time frame, with body shots subtracting ½ of a health bar, and head shots subtracting the full health bar. There are three health bars, but you have such health bars too. Yes, that’s right, the sniper’s also trying to bring you down, and can damn well do so accurately.
First mission out of five, he’s on a helicopter, moving fast, ducking behind pillars here and there, a clear shot, and his first life bar is taken away. He reappears, and this time, he’s below me. I take too long to readjust my aim, and get ½ a bar knocked off. Fortunately, he’s revealed more than just his position, as the helicopter swerves up and clears out of the bridge that it was entwining against. One clean shot, and he’s at his last health bar.
The helicopter lands above me this time, but I swivel the gun in place to take him down. The next mission is to subdue him as he moves in a gray sweater and gray pants against gravel, which is also gray. Finding him is difficult, and I only win with 1 ½ health bars remaining. Next round is incredibly unfair, as we’ve now moved locales to Fort Wilderness. Unlike previous rounds, he’s camped in foliage and there is no cursor telling you where he is. Not even a general vicinity. And also, he knows exactly where you are, and he takes about ten seconds to find you, while you’re searching every nook and cranny for the slightest movement.
I die 0 – 3, and it’s time for our next game.
Game 3
This time, we’re Blue team, and the A-A’s are Red team. My gun actually shoots a beam this time, the game starts, and we’re off.
The name of the previous game was flanking, and so that’s what I intend to do. As six of my teammates start off together, leaving one to defend the base, I go off a walkway alone, and make it to the end only being deactivated once. The thing with laser tagging is that positions change quickly, unlike paintball, and so you can never really say where an enemy is. As my main team gets slaughtered, I pick and choose my targets, and deactivate six before being uncovered, deactivated, and forced to flee.
We are now a force to be reckoned with.
Grouping together, we divide into groups of two, and leave two to defend the base. Supporting one another, we push all the way up to their main base, until we ourselves are reduced to petty sniping across long hallways ill designed to travel in. Stalled, I think up of a way to get past it, and deducing no strategy, join the sniping fest.
Well, it’s not called soul food without a reason, and we’re pushed back by superior accuracy. Grimacing, I linger in a cache for a while as my teammates pull back until they are just ten yards or so off from our base. Peering out, I realize the God’s must be with me.
All of the Red team is perfectly flanking and running to support each other in their forward movements, and have missed my crouching (replace with camping) self. I quietly target the farthest one away from me, and take two shoots to hit him. With the Sniper-Gun skills setting in, I take down three more before the adept black guy from the round before notices that his teammates are being shot from the back. I take down two more before getting deactivated, and flee to our main base to help my friends.
During the run, I’m deactivated once again, take cover, and shoot down long hallways. A brave black from the opposing team crawls up towards our position, and does that “my gun and head are above the wall but my vest isn’t” move, and we’re forced into circling our base, trying to destroy anyone getting in.
Soon enough, we’re overrun, and forced to relocate as they deactivate our base. Sirens go off, and I curse loudly, and move into my base to destroy the rebel lighted foe. We shove them back to the middle of the course, when we ourselves are turned back, as their best players are activated together, and make a forward push.
The game ends before they would’ve inevitably captured our base once more.
Fin-
Well, stats roll out as we’re just all too tired to play anything, and while quietly sipping on my drink, I proudly notice I’m ranked 5th on the team from 10 players. Not bad. Certainly not as bad as being ranked 10th from last round. Total stats come out to be 710,000 Red team, 690,000 Blue team. A very close game, and we’re relieved we hadn’t been ass-rammed once again.
On the way back, my friend’s uncle makes some lewd comments about girls giving head, but I don’t listen much. I’m staring out the window, just thinking what we could’ve done to win any of the three games we played…
Still thinking.
-WarLeaderJustin
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