I can't store my animated GIFs on battlereports.com, so I pulled 1 out, and put the other one on sovernet... Please copy the link location and paste it into a new window to view the gif, because it's really rather important/cool.

Khas = Satan...

Premise

A bored god turns on his cable-tv, and tunes into the bored general channel.
 

God's brain:	BOOM! YES I love it when they SQUEAL like PIGGIES!!! DIE Little humans DIE!!! YES!! Ahhh that was great... So... they all dead?
God's voice:	"Hey you"  *picks up puny mortal*  "you dead?" *shakes puny mortal* "hello?"
God's brain:	Puny mortal looks dead... BORING DEAD PUNY MORTALS! FUCK YOUR PUNY MORTAL HEAD! Hmm... Puny mortal head fucking... *drool*
God's brain:	Who am I kidding, this is boring. *posts 'Boring' sign on heavens* I wonder what's on the Puny Mortal Bored General Channel!

 

The Main Shit

Puny Mortal Bored General TV Guide!
 

Guide:	Channel 1: 'Floating Barracks Bonanza!' A puny mortal general named Halby fights a race against time, Mission: To observe a game in game type FFA. Watch as this puny mortal attempts the seemingly impossible! Without the aid of 'shared vision', the task of observing a game becomes impossible... or does it?
God's brain:	Sounds BORING! What else is on?
Guide:	Channel 2: 'Tripping Terran Visits Magical Lag Land' A puny mortal (PUNY MORTAL GROUND-LOBP-) fight's the toughest battle of all: drug-induced stupor vs rational thought.
God's brain:	That sounds fun! I'll watch that! SHOW IT TO ME GUIDE BOY! COME ON!  ... ... HELLO!?? Oh ya...
God's voice:	"Channel 2."
Guide:	You've chosen to watch 'Tripping Terran Visits Magical Lag Land'.
TV:	...were not quite right. The floating behind the red and green SCV blew the shots off of the dirt speckles. The longer our hero stairs, the larger those speckles become... Big... Brown... ooooooooooo. Does dust float? It floats in air; Rainbow air...
TV Gen.lobp:	"LAAAGGG!!!!"
TV:	NO! Suddenly it has gone all wrong! The world is floating just back down. Even our narator no longer makes sense! It's the end, I can see it! The world is slowing to a stop! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
TV Gen.lobp:	I knew I should have taken the red pill. "rc"
TV:	All of our hero's SCVs stop what they were doing. The command center's lights go dim.
TV halby:	"Um guys, what lag was he talking about again?"
TV:	The completely non-lagged game continues without him, but our general, Ground-LOBP- is no more. Wi...
God's brain:	BORING!! BORING BORING BORING!!! ooo... my ass... *wiggle wiggle* Ahhh... what else is on? CHANGE THE CHANNEL FOR JOE PESCHI'S SAKE!
God's voice:	"Channel Down."
TV:	...to death. As Halby constructs his 10th SCV, with no supply depot in sight, he uses his 9th and 8th SCV to construct 2 barracks'. Eventually he gets 3 SCVs constructing barracks' non-stop, and 7 mining minerals. When each barracks completes, he lifts it off and sends it to explore the map, looking for fights, and generally exploring. His first barracks lifts and flies west.
God's brain:	Ok, OLD! I wonder what's on 3... I'm hungry... Think I'll grab me some flayed medic...
God's voice:	"Guide on. Volume up"
Guide:	Channel 1: ...
God's voice:	<from other room> "Skip to Channel 3."
Guide:	Channel 3: 'Paranoid Androne' A puny mortal (PUNY MORTAL ~GeisT~) hears reports from his puny Overlord that another puny mortal (PUNY MORTAL .HeeroYuy.) has a base of operation close to his. The Overlord also brings the bad news of a hatching spawning pool (which, of course, is PUNY!)
God's brain:	I love those oozing pools of blood and destruction, they are so EVIL! *crunch crunch* Damned fine flayed medic as well, this evening wasn't a total waste... I guess...
God's voice:	"Channel 3!"

TV announcer: ...denly PUNY MORTAL ~GeisT~ makes a PUNY MORTAL mistake! He sends his PUNY MORTAL drones to attack PUNY MORTAL .HeeroYuy.! Those PUNY MORTALS are so STUPID! Their PUNY MORTAL brains do not seem to function properly under pressure... Much like potatoes and frogs, which EXPLODE under pressure...  God's brain:  Stupid announcer thinks a drone rush was a mistake... I wonder if he explodes under pressure.  TV announcer:  The attacking drones run into 6 lings and a large portion of .HeeroYuy.'s drones. They start to pop like... They start to pop li... GAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! MY BRAIIIIIIIN! BRAAAAIIIIIIIIIINNNNNN!!!!!! HEEELPPPP *POP*  ... ...

God's brain:	I guess so... Who needs commentary anyway, I can see what's going on... I bet Heero's going to counter. BLAM! Am I good or am I a God! Even that hidden expansion he made wont save him from the wrath of Heero's lings! Oh look, a floating white barracks... I guess that's it for ~GeisT~... What's on 4?
God's voice:	"Channel 4! Info"
Guide:	'Custer runs the Alamo' PUNY MORTAL EricClapton defends against a zealot rush lead by General -=!~Stalker~!=- (the PUNY MORTAL). Weakened by the zealots, he is then challenged to respond to a pile of Zerglings on his other side. The Zergling army is lead by PUNY MORTAL FamiliarHero.
God's voice:	"Yum, a REAL fight."
God's brain:	Yum, a REAL fight.
TV announcer:	...ying tactics couldn't save him forever, though, and the 6 zealots who had been following the SCV run back to his base and slam into the 1 marine 1 vulture defense that resides there. Another vulture pops out just in time to be zealot fodder, and the defenses are reduced to 1 un-sieged tank, and about 20 SCVs. The original group of 6 zealots becomes one PUNY group of 2, hacking on a barracks, and one PUNY group of 4, hacking on SCVs.
God's brain:	1 tank vs 6 zels... this should be good.
TV announcer:	*SMACK* the *SMACK* zealots *SMACK* drive *SMACK* their *SMACK* spikes *SMACK* into *SMACK* the *SPIKE* poor *SMACK*...
God's brain:	*sigh* Good help is so hard to find.
TV announcer:	...defenseless *SMACK* SCVs *SMACK* brains. The SCVs pile together and start chipping away at the zealots, while the tank takes pot shots from behind them. Another tank pops out, and starts shooting as well. A double-edged sword of an orange ling, lead by PUNY MORTAL FamiliarHero runs by, distracting the 2 barracks-hacking zealots. The PUNY group of 2 hacking zealots follow the speedy ling all the way back to PUNY MORTAL -=!~Stalker~!=-'s PUNY base. With only 4 zealots in the attack force, EricClapton is able to finish off the battle, losing only 2 marines, 2 vultures, and 8 SCVs, to the 4 zealots.
God's brain:	Where does the "only" come into play? That's a ridiculously poor trade, 400 minerals for 650, and the mining was stopped for about 10 seconds, and he's 8 SCVs short now! I hate announcers.
TV announcer:	As the siege upgrade kicks in, the orange Zergling army of PUNY MORTAL FamiliarHero is amassing behind EricClapton's minerals. 5 seconds after the SCVs go back to mining, 24 of the most orange lings ever born squeeze through the gap between EricClapton's factory and his minerals. The two tank two vulture army of EricClapton's are microed within an inch of their life, killing 19 lings, and 3 of their own SCVs, while only losing 1 SCV to the enemy lings. EricClapton 19, Lings 1. Overall, EricClapton is now 23-18, including a scouting SCV and the SCVs his tanks blew up.
TV announcer:	Luckily for EricClapton, 12 blue lings, lead by .HeeroYuy. Smack into the brown base of PUNY MORTAL -=!~Stalker~!=-, doing about 2 probes and a zealot worth of damage, but convincing Stalker not to attack EricClapton with his standing army + only base defense.
God's brain:	How do you say 'army + only'? What the hell?

TV announcer:  Shut up. Avoiding a second zealot attack by dumb luck, EricClapton is faced with another 24 lings in his base, about 12 seconds after the last ling from the first wave dies. Having a standing army/base defense... God's brain:  There he goes using unpronounceable characters in a spoken sentence... Fucking announcer

TV announcer:	...of 2 tanks and 2 vultures, EricClapton barely manages to kill the 24 lings, losing all but 2 SCVs, 1 tank and 2 vultures. He breathe's a huge sigh of relief, which ends at about the same time 24 more lings rush through his army, beheading the two remaining SCVs, raping the two defenseless, dethroned, ex-bikers, and slowly chewing a whole through the bottom of the tank. PUNY MORTAL Zerglings like the taste of tank-commander, so the command center, 2 factories, and 1 barracks lift off and float away.
God's_brain:	whew, that was a fun battle! What's on 4?
God's voice:	"Channel 4! Info!"
Guide:	'Custer runs the Alamo' PUNY MORTAL EricClapton defends against a zealot rush lead by General -=!~Stalker~!=- (the PUNY MO...
God's voice:	"I meant Channel 5! Info!"
God's brain:	I meant to do that... well, to err is ... well... Everyone makes mistakes...
Guide:	'This is your ling, this is your ling on crack.' PUNY MORTAL (Bowie)Iggy experiments with Zerglings, crack, and Meth.
TV:	... as 7:30 ticks past, the lings are all injected with crack. The crack, and the Speed mix well together, and the lings all start drooling and pissing in random places.
TV ling:	"AYAYYIIIYEYEYIAIAAIIAIIIIIIIII!!!!!! CCCCAAAARRRNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGEE!!!"
TV:	... The lings craving for carnage is immediate, and so powerful, that they can't be held back. One ling insists that if they don't rape some dead zealots soon, they will explode. Iggy is not insensitive to the needs of his Meth-injected crack-smokers. He orders half of them to run west, and half to run south. In the west, the lings run under 3 floating barracks on their long treck to .HeeroYuy.'s army. They meet up with the blue hydralisk army of .HeeroYuy., and completely demolish the whole army, with 2 lings remaining. Those two lings chose to rape the hollowed out gush of plastic-looking hydra-corpses. With sludge oozing from large tears in their plastic bodies, the hydralisks who can scream, do so. When four civilized, un-drugged lings hatch from 2 eggs nearby the remaining 2 crack-filled spaz balls, they are greeted with repeated attempts at leg-humping. While Iggy's lings exercise their need for fast paced masturbation, the civilized lings simply plug their brain stems from their heads. "UH UH UH <pluck> uh..."
TV:	The lings that went south run into a few zealots and goons, and quickly drive their claws through the legs of the zealots, crippling them. 4 lings surround the first crippled zealot and proceed to tear his limbs off and beat him to death with them. One of the lings crosses his eyes, as his head tilts back from the force of a metal spike driven through the middle of it. The ling crumples to the ground next to the zealot who's pride in his skills lasts about as long as his left arm, which is torn off and eaten by a nearby ling. When the battle ends, all the lings are gone, but so are all the zealots. Another group of zealots still resides off to the side somewhere, and the goons in the battle suffered no losses.
God's brain:	<blank>
God's voice:	OoOoOoOo! CARNAGE!!!!
TV:	Iggy masses some more lings, then sends them south to attack brown again. He tears through all of browns probes, his Templar archives, and 6 zealots, before a big mass of brown units ... don't... Be there... Browns army of 13 zealots and 8 goons is off at EricClapton's old main, trying to kill the non-existent Terran presence. Instead of building DTs or returning with his army, the PUNY MORTAL chooses to make 3 Dragoons instead... bringing his mineral total to under 100. After 2 of his gateways also fall, he finally brings his army home, but far too late. With under 100 minerals and no nexus, his army has little motivation, and easily falls to the extremely-motivated-to-do-anything crack heads. PUNY MORTAL -=!~Stalker~!=- leaves the game, reducing the actual participant count to 3.
TV:	Iggy has been massing more lings, and injecting them with their daily doses of Meth and Crack. When 12 mutalisks show up at his base, he decides it's time to mess some shit up. He sends all of them to the west, underneath the flying barracks, into the blue army of PUNY MORTAL .HeeroYuy.. The crack-filled shadow dodgers run into the base with grins on their faces. These grins don't wipe away, even when the 1 undetected lurker at the base rips them all into small bits. The hard-headed lings don't question the orders of their superior for a second. They charge headlong into the lurker, standing above it, egging it on. Their insults yelled down through the ground have little effect on the subterranean spike thrower, who easily splits their skulls.

God's brain:  That's what I love about them fuckers. They make for great carnage, and you don't have to feel sorry for them, because they die happy! TV:  So those mutalisks in PUNY MORTAL Iggy's base have been razing building after building, and already finished the drones. When 9 more eggs pop 18 Zerglings rush to .HeeroYuy.'s base. They manage to kill a few hydras and lings, but they all die to our friendly lurker. God's brain:  Bye Bye Iggy poo.

God's voice:	"Channel 6: Info"
Guide:	'Hail the Conquering Hero' The Zerg leader FamiliarHero leads his army of Zerglings and mutalisks to battle. Nothing but victories all day long. From the Terran crushing zerglings, to the Zerg defeating mutas, this leader rules the board with seeming effortlessness.
God's brain:	Ooo... Gotta love them glave worms.
TV:	...ping up, he instead runs to the west, where he finds the blue hordes of .HeeroYuy.. The crushing of .HeeroYuy ensues, and as FamiliarHero is sending backup, his mutas take a short stop at PUNY MORTAL halby's base to kill all 10 SCVs and the command center.
God's brain:	You'd think hearing "PUNY MORTAL" over and over would get old... It just never will.
TV:	FamiliarHero begins to destroy .HeeroYuy.'s only expansion, and .HeeroYuy. runs a few drones away. He morphs two creep colonies in Iggy's old main, and then loads one drone in an overlord and patrols the map for a place to spend his last 400 minerals. FamiliarHero morphs a few guardians, and procedes to ravage the mostly-defenseless EricClapton's new base. Hero spends the next 15 minutes (almost as long as the actual game took) mopping up .HeeroYuy., and when the last hidden hatchery falls, EricClapton already gone, the game is down to 2.
God's brain:	2?
TV:	The PUNY MORTAL halby still has a few of his 34 constructed barracks' left floating around. After asking halby to leave, halby responds with "But which is more important: Proving that mass flying barracks can win, or proving that lings and mutas can win?". Hearing this, FamiliarHero shows his agreement by leaving the game. Our Victor: PUNY MORTAL halby!!!
God's brain:	WHAT!? After all that, the flying barracks boy won!? NO FAIR! I wish I could do something about th... heeeey... See! Sometimes being god really has it's perks! *ignites halby*
Halby:	OH GOD IT BURNS!!!!

replay