Warning: This is a Fanfic. If you don't like Fanfics then please do not read this because guess what, It's a Fanfic. Any moron who flames this Fanfic simply because it is a Fanfic is precisely that, A Moron. However if the story sucks, please feel free to leave me reasons why so I can write a better one next time.

Bonus: For those of you reading this report I have added a little bonus. Music. That's right music for a BattleReport. Who would've thought of that? I have also made it optional for those of you who don't want music. Enjoy.

Caption's Log: Stardate - 90210.40oz.

Caption Kink Load Emperous Alpha-Male Litz of the Starship Excrement-Prize. Our 4 day mission to seek out new life within the StarCraft University and Utterly Destroy it.

Our many memorable moments include that time we were built, and that time we left the Starport, then that time we flew all the way to The Lost Temple and back. And that is where we are now, Day 3 of our excruciatingly long journey. On our way home from this Temple place and still no freaky aliens. That's when it happened, Dead in the middle of space we ran into these weird sea otter-like creatures.
 

"JOHNSON, GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!!!" I shout, and Johnson comes running.

"Now David... I can call you David right?"

David responded "Well actually my name is Josh, Si--"

"David. We were supposed to avoid running into aliens in space weren't we?"

"Yes, Si..."

"That's why we went to that Temple place on Labor day, because we knew there wouldn't be any aliens roaming about on a holiday, right?"

"Yes, Si..."

"So why is it that we just flew into a large group of hideous ALIENS!?"

"Well Si..."

"It is your job to avoid the aliens and fly away from them isn't it?"

"No sir, its Josh's job."

"O, Sorry about that, David."

Well maybe we can negotiate with them.

"Anderson, Open a communicae with that alien species."

"But Si...," ...(silence)... "They aren't alien, They are known to us as the Ze..."

"Billy Bob, I said open up a communicae!"

"Why you front me sir? You know my name is Danny."

"Just open the communicae Billy Bob before I have you shot."

"Yes Sir..."

"This massage is to all alien beings floating around in the depths of space. You are to immediately kill yourselves so as to prevent yourself from posing a threat to our supreme control over the universe in this planet system. Ok, commence the suicide."

At this point Chief Petty Officer Peat Chieferson withdrawls the butter knife given to all bridge officers in order to defend themselves if we were to be boarded and attacked by aliens, and proceeds to stab himself to death. Why don't they just give us guns like every other station on this blasted ship?

"Sir, The Zer..."

"Who said that?"

"It's me Billy Bo... err, Danny sir."

"Well what is it?"

"Sir, The Zerg haven't opened communications with us, You're talking to no one except us. Also that officer that always starts petty arguments has stabbed himself 300 times with his knife and is bleeding onto or radar screens."

"Those are radar screens? I always thought those were for microwaving that slop they feed us for dinner."

"Slop Sir? They have an excellent menu on this ship. As a matter of fact your eating a Filet Mignon cooked to order as we speak."

"Guy amb noct, Gnow bit ack eww (slap) irk, Illy Ob."

"Yes, Sir... (Whisper) Caption Litz."

After finishing his steak and potato dinner the Caption speaks, "Mmm... That was tasty as hell. Now why are these devious aliens not answering us or killing themselves off?"

"Well Sir..., Maybe they don't understand quantum baud radio frequencies without the requisite technology at their disposal. Maybe if we just used the loud speaker they would hear us."

The Caption pipes in... "What if we use a complex series of sophisticated flashing colored lights like in that movie 'Clothes Encountered on the 3rd Date' or something like that.?"

"Sir, we have a universal translator. We don't need to spend 300+ man-hours devising the algorithmic code required to communicate in that fashion."

"Yes that is what we will do. Begin work on the color code"

"(Whisper)"

"Sir, Incoming communicae from the Zerg cerebrate Zasz"

"I am Zasz of the 'Zerg Insurrection Force Against Kerigan' otherwise known as ZIFAK"

"ZIFAK? You sure look like a species I've seen before, The Zerg"

"Could I please speak to anyone who isn't a moron"

"No, You can not! Now I suggest you kill yourself or else you will be up against the awesome force that is Excrement-Prize"

"Are you absurd? You are one Battlecruiser against an entire Zerg fleet. Not to mention you don't even have one weapon installed on your cruiser."

"Release the Wraith Squadron from the fighter bays!"

"Sir we have no fighter bays, this is a Battlecruiser not a Carrier." Said Josh Johnson, Ships tactical officer.

"You are either a fucking moron or a brain-less moron, Either way you are a moron" Added Peat Chieferson back from the dead only to insult the Caption and then die again.

"OK, Then we shall fight you Zerg whore." replied the Caption. "No rush 20 min, k?"

"OK, fleet lets head out these pests aren't even worth our time. And cut communications.... (dead static)"
 

"Sir, Why are we meeting in your quarters, And are you wearing panties?" Asked Chief Engineer Helen Huntyoudownski.

"What do you mean panties" The Caption quickly removes the panties and throws them out the window into space.

"Now you're completely naked sir."

"Yes I am, And why aren't you?"

"Because I thought we were going to discuss the recent engineering problems."

"What engineering problems?"

"Problems?, No problems sir.... Sex?"

"So Helen my dear, What does this button do?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO....! Don't push that!"

"Sorry hun but it's too late."

"Stop calling me hun. And are you wearing my panties?"

"Yes, do you like?"

"Well actually yes, They are very attractive. (wry smile)"

You have activated the emergency Broadcast System. This is not a test. If this were a test I would have said that this is a test, Which it isn't. The Russians have launched their ICBM's. You should seek shelter under a desk or table immediately.

"We are hundreds of thousands of light years from Earth and they still haven't upgraded that message from the 1960's."

Just then a bloodied and ragged crewman runs into the main engine room shouting for his life with consoles exploding behind him. The Caption grabs the man by the shoulders to stop him and then slaps him hard across the chest.

"Boy get a hold of yourself," shouted Caption Litz.

"I accidentally hit the Emergency Broadcast button crewman. There's absolutely nothing to worry about." continued the Caption.

"But sir do you not see the explosions and the blood?" added Helen.

"Sir, Sir, SIRRRR..., Stop staring at the Chief's breasts and listen to me!!! And are those panties you're wearing?" inquired the half-dead crewman.

"Sorry what was your problem again?"

"Sir, A Protoss Arbiter has just decloaked off the port bow."

"Arbiter you say. Now where is this port bow you speak of?"

"Sir, It's the front of the ship on the... O never mind. Just get to the Bridge, Now Sir."

Just then a large explosion tears through the cabin but manages to only hit the unimportant crewman charring his flesh into a dry, black, ashy death.
 

"Status report, NOW!" shouted the Caption as he entered the Bridge.

"Sir, The Protoss have recalled a large force directly between us and the home planet." reported Tactical Officer Josh Johnson.

"We don't have enough fuel to circumvent their blockade either." added Rick, who wasn't even an officer on the ship, but one of the Captions "Boy Toy's".

"Rick get back into my office and finish polishing the chrome"

"Yes Sir."

"Any ideas on where to proceed men?"

"Well do we at least have weapons online yet?" asked the Caption to the befundled crew.

"Yes Sir, We've also installed a brand new Yamoto Cannon, which is nearly fully charged." answered Josh Johnson.

"Approximate number and composition of Protoss fleet?"

Once again Josh answers the Caption's question "We have no fucking idea, Sir. One Arbiter is all we can say for sure."

"Well then target the Arbiter with a nuclear assault."

"Listen moron. For the last fucking time. We are a Battlecruiser. Not a Ghost with laser targeting, nor a Command Center with a Nuclear Silo Attachment. It's a Battlecruiser. Battlecruiser you Fucking moron." interrupts Chief Petty Officer Peat Chieferson coming back to life in order to insult the Caption again.

"Well actually Sir...," With a loud thud the Petty Officer dies again from a muffled riffle shot as the strange voice suddenly gains corporeal form.

"Allow me to introduce myself. I am O.J. Simpsonian, Expert assassin and I'm killer with a knife."

"Well Sir, Now that we have a ghost on board to aim the target laser we can launch that nuke we stole from home base before we took off." added an overzealous Josh Johnson.

"Now all we need is a plan, All meet in the War Room in 10 minutes."

"Caption Litz, You are being paged to your quarters by Chief Huntyoudownski" announced the automated computer paging system

"Right, Right, All meet in the War Room in half an hour."
 

"Sir I'm glad to see you have finally gotten rid of the panties, I just wish you had put some new clothes on afterwards." remarked David as The Caption entered the room entirely naked.

"I only have 15 minutes guys, then I need to 'Get Back To Work', If you know what I mean. (Sly Wink)" he responded to the disparaged Officer.

"Surely you must be kidding us Sir, You're concerned about sex while are very lives are swaying in the balance?!!"

"No I'm not kidding. And if you ever call me Shirley again I'll have you shot. Now hurry up and lets get on with this."

"Sir, Our plan is simple. I , O.J. "The murderous sonofabitch" Simpsonian will stand on the bow of the ship, fully cloaked, and proceed with the nuclear launch from a safe distance."

"Great Work fellows, OK See you"

"(Whispers)"
 

"Is everyone in position?" inquired the Caption.

"Yes Sir" answered an anxious Danny Anderson.

"Input launch code sequence now!" demanded the Caption.

"Sir, You are the only one with those codes." replied Tactical Officer Josh Johnson.

"ME? I don't have them. Someone here has got to have the Goddamn launch codes." Shouts the Caption as he slams his fist into the arm of his chair.

"tschhh Sir I have the launch codes tschhh. Shall I begin nuclear launch sir tschhh?"

"O.J., Is that you?"

"tschhh Yes sir tschhh."

"Yes, Proceed as planned"

"O SHIT!!!" The Caption screams as he jumps under his chair.

"Sir, That was our Nuke."

"Ohhh!" The Caption says as he stands up and dusts himself off. "Hey, Wait a minute. Who is that on the Dorsal Bow with O.J.?"

"I don't know sir. It looks like A Chick" answered Danny Anderson Communications Officer.

"(Random Grumblings among the crewman)"

"Look Sir, O.J. and AC are escaping in that White Ford Shuttlecraft" harked Rick from the door to the Caption's office.

"Well men, I hate to say this, But it appears like we have no hope remaining. Group Orgy?"

"Hey Moron! There are only men on the bridge right now you Flaming homo!" replied Chief Petty Officer Peat Chieferson back from the dead to insult the Caption once again. This time however they jettison his limp, life-less, hate-filled body into space never to see him again.

"OK men time to say our final goodbyes, then we send this bad boy straight at the Protoss fleet."

Just as the massive Battlecruiser begins accelerating slowly toward the invisible enemy, there is a large flash across the starboard bow. Glave Worms, and large bellows of Corrosive Acid Spores flail just past the transparent metal windows and land smack in the middle of the Protoss fleet, damaging most and exposing all of the nearby ships. Small bat-like creatures ram into ships with explosive repercussions. All was not lost after all.

"Sir, We are being hailed... It's Zasz." a gasping Danny Anderson remarked.

"What are you waiting for Billy Bob? Put him on."

"Humaan Cruiser, We have aided you in your exodus from this blockade. Go now before we decide to change our minds about your squabbling society and attack you along with your Protoss counter-parts. And inform your commander, ZIFAK wishes you luck against your Insurrection against Kerigan on the planet of Mendahla."

"You have our deepest and sincerest appreciation, Cerabrate. Good Fortune to you and your breathren."
 

"Now where were we Chief Huntyoudownski?"

"Not the panties again sir!?!"

"O right that's where we were... Panties? What panties?" Just then the Caption takes the panties off and tosses them out the nearby window.

I hope that you have all enjoyed my made for TV BattleReport. If the response is high enough, expect to see the Caption and his crew in more upcoming episodes. However if the response is low I shall be forced to cancel the series immediately in favor of back-to-back episodes of "Will and Grace".

Disclaimer: Although some style elements in this report are like a report recently done by WilliamWC3 it is entirely unintentional. The part about the panties appears to be a blatant rip off of his pantless Mark4 bit, but it is not. Most of the other shit I stole from old TV shows too.

And a Few Shout outs...

---Thanx go to CrackHeadJeb for helping me fix the report so it could be viewed by you, the viewer.

---Testosterone, Now that you know I'm real and all, Can I BR that game between you and Badtz for Fox's Ladder? kek.

---Kids In The Hall

Thank you all for reading my story. And People please, If you haven't already called your mother, do that now.

This has been a:

Production