"Trust me, I could have hidden nude in the grass with my member poking up, and it would have been more tower presence than what was in his base."
- CattleBruiser (as Bob_The_Nude)'s The Warcraft Report
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| GTA3: Gangsta' style ownin' | | | Author: | | | IP: | spider-tXXXX | | Date: | 01/28/02 06:01 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 5, Min: 5
Lifetime Rating for Sync: 5.0000 |  | Read this now plz, thx gw =)
*** This report contains....exactly zero pictures, and is completly void of any pleasing visuals. So now you have a choice to make, humble reader; leave now and join the legions of pansy 'pic only' viewers, or stay and be remembered forever as a oldschool, hardcore, uber gosu text lover. That's right. Uber gosu. I thought you'd see it my way.
INTRO
A tribute to old school gansta' style ownin'? Yes. A totatly godly game? No doubt. The best game for Ps2? Arguably so. Enter Grand Theft Auto 3. (and do NOT enter some kind of odd promotion BR - stick around, it gets better ;) In GTA3, Rockstar games' latest effort, you play a fugitive looking to make it big with the mob in New Yor - er, Liberty City ;). There are a buncha' missions, cars, and big guns, but GTA3 really shines due to the fact that it game play is totally non-linear; you can do whatever you want. Sick of a mission? Screw it. Go kill a cop, take his gun and jack a Viper. It's played in a third person perspective, and has controls similar to that of Tomb Raider or any other platform type game. You get the idea. I finally gobble up a copy from Blockbuster, pop it in the Ps2, and get ready to take it to the streets.
WTF? Did he just say?!...
Yes, he did. The opening cutsence has me ‘doubting' the game - specifically, I screamed at my T.V., "These graphics blow!(and they did)" as a huge block of c4 creates a pothole the size of a dime in a badly rendered bridge. Ugh. However, the fact that the words ‘dickhead', ‘bitch', and the phrase ‘red light district' are used frequently during the later part of the scene immediately grabs my attention again :). Then blah, blah, skip the story, you get the idea, where are the guns...and after creating a file, we're off!
Mission 1: Plz don't suck, thx.
It turns out my mob boss is a real ‘nice' guy - he seems to like to scream a lot and generally be a large arsehole. But a gangsta's gotta do what a gangsta's gotta do, so I head out to pick up his ho for him and bring her home for some lovin'. After ‘acquiring' (stealing, you gangsta' n00b) a ride (Station wagon? WTF? )I head out to ‘the little red dot' on the map which is the only indication I have as to where I'm going or what I'm supposed to do. And as I drive, the red dot gets closer, and closer, and closer...
And closer...
And...SCREEEEECH I slam on the brakes, but it's to late. Apparently the red dot was Misty's (the ho's) location on the map. And I just ran her over. Mission failed =[. But not to worry. Screw the missions, right? Exactly. I jump out of my car, whip out my ‘9', and start dishin' out the pain. In large, plentiful amounts. Nearly 12 citizens and 4 police officers die before I'm...
BUSTED!(gasp...)
I end up at the local police station without any weapons or cash =/. Luckily, the idiot cops who patrol this area of the city left a fresh cap car setting about 3 feet from the station's exit. I'll take that, thanks so much, NO RE GW! ^^. I start out to see the mob lord bizatch again, but as I make my way along the western most bypass, I see something I just can't resist (no, not a billboard plastered from top to bottom with a nude photo of Mark 4) - a hooker. W00t. I stop beside her and she walks slowly up to the car, and enters...
Sweet lovin' into midnight...
Yehaw! Of course, a friend has already informed me that in order to screw a hooker, you need only to park in a dark ally and turn of the engine...
Hooker: "My, aren't you lookin' yummy tonight...pay up, and let's get to it! "
Gangsta': "Ugh..erm...(straightening his tie and wiping the sweat from his forehead)...I.."
Hooker: "Or not. Forget the money for now. This is about pleasure (a sly smile spreads across her face).
Gangsta': Ack - (eyes widening, as she pushes him backward with her lips...)
Ok, so it's not really that intense. The car shakes a couple of times, ok?! Eh. Neither here nor there. It does increase your health though, and it does involve prostitution, so I'm all for it!
Whew! Now that I've taken care of ‘business', I need to get on with the missions. Or not. Look, a Fire Engine...00;
Fire engine = total r0xx0r-ation.
Screw the missions, I'm taking the non-linear approach, obviously. I jack a shinny new Fire truck and head out to cause some damage. And damage I do so cause^^;. It turns out the F. truck(keke, f. truck. F. keke) is more like a tank...it knocks in cars that are in it's path yards away. And it has a working hose. Total ownage? I think so. It's far to fun to know back crowds of civilians with the hose's spray. And give cars a good washin'...and hit...
Urp...no, sir, I did NOT know my hose was on...
...police officers. They don't buy my excuse (what? Fire engine hoses are left running all the time!) And decide to gun me down. No prob, I can hang - except, I lack any form of firepower besides my hose (no, NOT the one on the fire truck). After a speedy pause, trip to gameFAQS, and print job, I return to the console with cheats in hand. Rocket Launcher cheat? Please, and give me a side cheat of AK-47.
47 officers died that day. Sadly, I, too, was killed - and by my own rocket, none the less. Yet, as I respawn in the hospital, I realize - life in Liberty City will go on, and I will live to fight another day. Perhaps, however, fighting crime would prove to be a preferable alternative to aiding it. As the first ray of sunlight caresses my bedside window pane, I consider this option...
...and head to the weapons store. I need some grenade rounds- those armored police cars are bitches. ^^
Final thoughts
This is the part where I add all those funny lessons and stats from the Br. I've always wanted to do this :).
1. GTA3 owns your bones.
2. I own your bones.
3. Sex=good, keke.
4. I used all three font attributes in one sentence in the third paragraph. t.t
5. I don't even know mark4, but yes, I WOULD be excited by a nude photo of him ;).
And I'm out!
Sync
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