I once knew a man, a strong and noble man. He roamed the land looking for his home, looking for those who had left him long ago. This is part of his story. This is the story of...

    It was a cold night, January 1st. Perhaps the winds of destiny knew that my life was about to change, because they howled outside my window like a pack of Destiny Wolves™.  I lay on my bed, deep in thought.  Something was building inside my brain, some revelation that was always just beyond the grasp of my understanding.  As I ventured further into my trance, searching for the cause of my unease, the world grew silent.  Time ceased to tick its deadly hands, the lights of the room dwindled to the moonglow coming through my window.  All was quiet; I was on the edge of discovery....

*CLANG CLANG*  - The sound echoed from outside.

    I jumped out of my meditation and lurched for the door. Upon swinging it open I found the cause of this disturbance, and in doing so, I was shown my destiny. There, crouched next to my car, stealing my hubcaps, wrapped in a ragged jacket, was the greatest man I had ever seen...  

All my thoughts were bent upon him as we stood there, staring at each other. His eyes darted back and forth, and I could see the maddening intelligence behind those windows of the soul.

 "Hey man, listen, I wasn't stealin' your hubcaps, I was cleanin' em because I thought you know, that'd be nice."

I couldn't speak.

"Listen, if you're gonna beat me up, can I at least take off my Def Leppard T-Shirt, I just got it the other day. I got it for 50 Cents, can you believe that? That's a deal man."

All I could do was take the young man into my arms, and guide him inside. I would care for this man, and learn his secrets, for I knew he held many.

"Hey thanks man, I thought you were gonna tear me up, usually thats what happens when I go around people. Hey man my names Joe Dirt, whats yours?"

"Some call me Mr.Mediocre.", was my reply.

"Well Mr.Mediocre, nice to meet you."

And such was the depth of our conversation. It went on into the night. I learned of such things as "Hemi Roadsters", "ACDC", "Mullets", and how this poor young man's family had left him long ago, alone, at the Grand Canyon. But this is not that story. This is the story of how Joe Dirt single handedly defeated B.Net.

It was fate that led him to the computer, and it wasn't long before he was online as ACDC_4EVER, a truly fitting moniker.  The tale begins in Broodwar USA-12...

*Joe Dirt's Dialogue

"Hey anyone in here wanna fight?"

vanwhorn#2 - "lets go"

"Hey buddy don't push it"

vanwhorn#2 - "haha"

"I'm ready to rumble buddy"

vanwhorn#2 - "lets go"

MnY_sparda -"does anyone in here want to join the money clan?"

"you wanna join my fist?"

vanwhorn#2 - "grow up"

"you can put your money on me baby"

MnY_sparda - "what the fuck is ur issue?"

Mny_sparda - "ACDC sucks"

"ACDC DOES NOT SUCK, ACDC are true rockers through and through"

MnY_sparda - "yes they do, they suck big balls, youre just a little kid."

"I've got 10 children and they turn into FISTS when I get riled up."

MnY_sparda - "fag"

"Hey man is THIS queer?, is THIS queer?"

MnY_sparda - "oh what u gonna do hit me through the screen?"

And so Joe went, desperately struggling with the fact that he couldn't actually punch people through the screen. He went to many channels, and was always ridiculed and eventually chased away...

"Hey I heard b.net was full of sissies"

wontquit - "fuq you"

"Your....MOM. Ready to go right here buddy, lets go."

wontquit - "um..fuq you?"

"You are."

Joe tried and tried, but no one would play him. I watched as he used some of the most persuasive tactics to get someone to play that I've ever seen. I mean, look at this stuff...

But nothing would work, no one would play him. And then, something magical happened. Joe found a channel where the egos reigned supreme and where honor and skill were placed on a pedestal of respect. Joe found NoHunters...

Here Joe found a rival, and he went by the name OldElPaso. The game was made, and the trash talk rolled out like thunder from Mount Doom...

So there I was, alone and ready to fight my way to victory. Thats right baby, I was going all the way and takin' no prisoners on my way there. I was the Terrans, and my friend Mr.Mediocre had taught me a few things about how to REALLY TEAR IT UP when I'm Terran. Like I say man, if you wanna win, use the strategy that's UNBEATABLE. So I started off with some commentary to my enemy, OldElPaso...

Half the battle is letting your enemy know that you mean business, that way, maybe they'll leave you alone and not beat you up. Not like I was scared or anything. I've beat up plenty of people before and I'm no sissy, no way no sir. So I started makin' marines.  Marines are proud, but I wasn't gonna have only a few of 'em! Get it, its like that commercial "The proud, the few" except I'm gonna make me a bunch of 'em. SO ANYWAY I MADE A BUNCH.

So then it finally comes, his attack.  I wouldn't even call it an attack, it was more like a stupid whistler firecracker. It doesn't blow anything up and only makes your ears hurt, especially when those big kids by the train station stick 'em right next to your ear until you cry. I don't never cry though, I'm tough. And I toughed out this attack. Some stupid wraiths came and guess what happened?

Yeah you read that score right. ONE for me. NONE for OldElPaso. (By the way, I'm makin' his name pink because not only was that his color in the game, but its also the color of his underwear and the dresses he wears when he's alone) Thats right OldElPaso. You wear DRESSES. Sissy.

So there I was, just building away, gettin' ready for the big one, when all of sudden he attacks with some MORE STUPID WRAITHS. "Oh look at me, I'm invisible because I'm SCARED, also I like to listen to Leif Garrett." Didn't matter though, he killed all of my SCVs except one, but I still had alot of marines.

He didn't know what I still had in store for him. Man was he in for a surprise. OK, maybe he just kept on sendin' those wraiths and I just kept on losing my marines. But it was like the Alamo brother, it was like I was defendin' my home or something. It was cool like that, I was like Davy Crockett.

So that game was over, but no big loss to me man. I keep on truckin', keep on lookin' for the next big thing, you know? Can't hold Joe Dirt down. I move on, move on to the next battle. So I joined NoHunters again.

It wasn't long before OldElPaso was tellin' everyone how bad he won or whatever. You judge for yourself who won, but I know who won in the war of words. Joe Dirt did, and I'm Joe Dirt, so it looks like I WON. ROCK AND ROLL!

So you can see how it is for Joe on B.net. Its hard, but he works even harder. He's a trooper. Its just hard for Joe to make friends sometimes...

"you can too fight on starcraft"

Fury-Deity-Bkv - "no u cant, cause you make a army"

"yes you can, I seen it"

Fury-Deity-Bkv - "it aint u. on d2 it is."

"yeah, but not always."

Fury-Deity-Bkv - "u control one guy"

"it is too me, you can see their faces and everything"

Fury-Deity-Bkv - "fuck this im outa here"

"chicken"

Joe even tried joining a clan....

But no one understood him.  Joe was like a 78 Trans Am. The greatest of his time, but misunderstood now. A rogue if you will. Truly a wanderer.

And just like wanderers often do, he left. One fateful night, Joe left me just like he found me: In awe and in shame at my inability to understand the depths of his mind. I will miss you Joe Dirt, and I do hope that you will come to see me again sometime. Before he left, however, Joe wanted me to allow him the space to address a few issues about his recent autobiographical movie: Joe Dirt.  He left the name of the critics off of these quotes so they won't expect him when he shows up at their house to "offer them a ride on the pain train. Toot toot! All aboard for some pain, whats up?"

Joe Dirt's Movie Reviews

With Commentary By: Joe Dirt

"We should be asking ourselves why so noble a nation would produce swill like Joe Dirt."

Because America rocks! Alright, anyway how about you go get some gas buddy, because your funny car is runnin' empty. And while you're at it, why don't you take a shot at me again, and see what happens? What's up?

"All failed concept and misfired comedy"

How about you stick your head up my butt, and FIGHT FOR AIR. What's up?

"Redefines the notion of a feature film another notch downward."

I'll notch YOU.

"In one scene, raw sewage is dumped on Joe. See Joe Dirt and you'll know how that feels."

Oh man that was GROSS. That was grosser than the one time I was sleepin' in this dumpster and some lady poured some old cottage cheese on my head. Then she beat me up.

"Talk about waste products; think of the time, effort and money that went into this movie."

And then think about MY fist, up YOUR butt. What's up?

"Joe Dirt is so obviously a construction that it is impossible to find 
anything human about him; he is a concept, not a person"

I don't think CONCEPTS have muscles like this buddy. Oh yeah, they're large and in charge and lookin' for chickies.

"Just a big chunk of waste flushed from a Hollywood studio."

Hey man, Lifes a Garden, Dig it. And while you're at it, go grow some sissy flowers. Sissy.

Wow guys. It's been a looooo......ooong time since I last posted a BR. In fact, I haven't even BEEN to BR.com in almost two years. I came back a couple weeks ago, and I must say, I'm really pleased at what's happened to it since I've been gone. For one, the crew behind the scenes has done a great job of building a fantastic community for people to be a part of. My time here is definitely among my fondest memories of gaming, and just thinking about coming back makes me really happy.  I really have missed it.  I miss hanging out in NoHunters, I miss getting my ass kicked by Mark4, I miss listening to Bob pull stuff from the depths of the funny pool, I miss reading Drefsab's crazy good stuff, I miss the 9000000MB WilliamWC3 reports, I miss the people that thought my weird ass was funny. And I think its time to stop missing that.

I know that there have been a lot of retarded/pointless reports being posted lately, but I think that can all change with a good outburst of quality reports. I for one am gonna really put forth the effort to provide some innovative and hopefully entertaining material to the site, and I encourage all the other reporters who have maybe been slacking off because of the feel of the community to do so as well. Remember that we are in the death throes of StarCraft's life, and its hard to maintain optimism about the community. But we are also at the dawn of an even cooler possible community: WarCraft 3. We've got nothing but good times ahead of us dudes, and I hope that I can provide a few laughs along the way.

So enough with me being really really sentimental and gay, and time for some mad crazy shout-outs. I haven't seen these peeps in so long...

Squeaky (True Thug), Krebster (You still alive man?), Bob (Gone crazy, but still Bob, whats up?), WilliamWC3 (You still reporting man?), Drefsab (Good to see you still around man, cheers :D), Avenger (Straight Up), of course Mark4 and Johnny, RubberDucky (Whats up?) and everyone else who supported me. Through the depths of my insanity when I put out the HORRID Ren and Stimpy BRs, to the heights of my...well...insanity, when I put out Grinding the Corn of Destiny 2. I love you guys. And to all the other phat cool funny people out there, peace.

Sorry for any incoherency in this report. I'm a little rusty, but I'll be back on my feet in no time. 

And you know who's back......

"It puts the lotion on its skin. It rubs it in..."                 

  Mr. "Midgets are people too" Mediocre

Next time....Lookin' in the Grass - Volumes 1, 2 and 3, A collection of fine poetry.

P.S. - Pretty much all of my Old reports are dead. I don't even have half the images anymore that went into the reports, so I guess they're gonna be dead forever. I might restore The Grinding the Corn of Destiny duo sometime, though. Anyway, thanks for reading!

Drop me a line at rcf2621@tntech.edu