This is a bit of a departure from your normal BattleReports.com fare, but I suppose that's all I'm good for, anyway. This BR has sucked up more of my time and effort than any multimedia project I've ever done, and I really loved making it. I hope that shows in the work, because I know I really enjoy reading things like this. This BR is by far the largest BR I've ever produced, and its one of the largest HTML BR's ever produced for BattleReports.com without making super-duper large battle collages. I sincerely apologize to the modem users, it should take about 11-12 minutes to load on a 56k modem, and again I hope that you feel its worth it! Thanks for reading!

My friends and I have LAN parties pretty much every weekend. My college is only about 30 minutes from my hometown, and since I have no classes on Friday, I come home every weekend to play with them. This is the story of two LAN parties that were held during Spring Break. So with great pleasure, Mr.Mediocre presents...

The clock reads 5:30.  My Java teacher had promised to let class out early on Thursday, seeing as how tomorrow was Good Friday and most other classes had just cancelled that day anyway. Well, here it was 5:30, and class was over at 6:00. He was going on and on about sorting techniques in Java. Screw sorting man, there was a LAN going on! All the good spots were gonna be taken and I would be stuck on the floor or something, I just knew it.

5:35

Oh My God. This man has no idea how close he is to having a BATTLE CRAZED motherfucker challenge his ass to mortal combat of the deadliest kind.  I raised my hand and asked him what his idea of early was, and I got the appropriate "Well, maybe I meant ONE minute early." Screw that, man. I'm about to flip out and harvest some souls at your expense, Mr. Java Teacher.

5:45

My lip hurts a lot. I made a big gash in it by chewing off the dead skin, and accidentally ripped too much off. That sucks. Everyone gets up. Oh man, he just released class. Free at last. Grabbed my bag and skipped down the hallway like a certified Pony Unicorn. I got outside, and no rain. That was good because I hated driving home in the rain; my car's heater won't turn off and I can't roll down my windows when its raining. I gather up a couple CDs I had forgotten in my room, say goodbye to my roommate and head down to the parking lot. Oh GREAT. I have a fucking ticket on my window. Forgot to put my parking permit on my rearview mirror. GREAT GREAT GREAT. I'll have to remember to write an appeal letter later. Oh well. Home time.

The drive home was filled with the usual. Me racing everyone, even people who didn't know I was racing them. Me singing to people I passed, and me ignoring my guilt and listening to some pop stations. I love that new Enrique Iglesias song. Man I'd like to escape his sweet body in about 5 different positions. Errr I mean...I'd like to beat his faggot ass. As in hurt him, not really anything to do with his ass. Yeah. ANNYWAY...

Get home. Stop in at the house, say hi to the parents and off I go to the LAN. It's at Jeremy's house this time, the first time we've done it there, but he only lives  a little ways away from Ryan's house, which is where we usually have it. See, the plan for this weekend was this: Thursday night, we LAN at Jeremy's, clean up Jeremy's Friday morning and then head to Ryan's house for a second night of LAN action. I pick up Trey on my way there, and he brings along his digital camera, so we can take, you know, pictures. He doesn't bring his computer because his Daddy won't let him and because if he disobeyed his Daddy he wouldn't get to have sex with him anymore. Also, he's stupid. But anyway, we get to Jeremy's and most of the guys are there already. Which leads me to the next section, Profiles. Here's an overview of the crew that was a part of the Great Spring Break LAN of DOOM....

The Crew

Name: Bill

Age: 17

Profile: A Fatherly Mother to the crew, he protects us from the evil of the world (we think he uses his hair to fight crime). Cousin to MrMediocre. Plays mad video games, knows cheats for any game you can think of. Hates that the OGC hook doesn't work for CounterStrike anymore. Will not hesitate to "Clobber" your ass.

Name: Derric

Age: 17

Profile: Will fucking battle your ass, anywhere, anytime, any style of technique. Known to some as MrMediocre's best friend, to others simply as "The fucker who will own me in StarCraft." As previously stated, plays a mad game of StarCraft, consistent ownage in CS, and plans to dominate in Warcraft 3. Has hot younger sister, has hot mom. Does not enjoy the MILF references. At all.

Name: Jeremy

Age: 17

Profile: The loose cannon. Thinks airbags are for pussies. Applies liberal amounts of Terran asskicking in StarCraft. Member of the cousin trio of MrMediocre, Bill, and himself. Will woo you with his puppy dog looks, and will proceed to split you in two with his massive...ego. Plans to one day be as good as me.

Name: David

Age: 17

Profile: Known around town as "Crazy McJew". Wears funny jew hat with pride, and brings weird jew-bread stuff to lan parties. Has hot sister, who is itching to be wanked 8 ways to China by me. David's dad is the LAN master. Always has about 50 extra of any computer component you can think of. Lifeguard during the summer, and manly man during the winter. Also listens to angry music like Fear Factory and Linkin Park. Turtles every fucking time in StarCraft.

Name: Devin

Age: 17

Profile: Benches over 300 pounds, but still an ass pussy. Was mad that we had pansy weights for him to use in the picture. Plays StarCraft decently, but will more often than not annoy or kick your ass in CounterStrike. Spams grenades (Yup, he's one of THEM). Often kicks anyone's ass who challenges our gang. (Yeah, our group is a gang, so stfu). Has largest penis of group.

Name: Forrest

Age: 10

Profile: Will attempt to kick my ass for saying he's 10. Reminds us all of Bean from Ender's Game. Top 10 CounterStrike players in the world, although never been in a clan. Accepts and puts to rest any challenges brought against him in CounterStrike. Also plans to dominate in Warcraft 3. Oh yeah, he's really 17.

Name: Josh

Age: 17

Profile: Incredi-smart, will invent new theories and shit at MIT that will undoubtedly rock your world. Plays a mean game of StarCraft, and can knock boots on CS as well. Has a beak that comes out of his asshole, allowing him to pick up marbles and shit. I'm not making that up. Its fucking awesome. Also is not AS gay as that picture makes him out to be.

Name: Trey

Age: 17

Profile: Knows more about music than most motherfuckers know about their own wangs. Can play CounterStrike well enough to be perfect FODDER FOR MY FUCKING BULLETS OF SKILL. Can photoshop his way out of an entire paper bag factory, and climbs some harsh rocks out in the wild. For fun. Weird. Also loves incubus, and therefore, rocks.

Name: Ryan

Age: 17

Profile: Harbors a friendship with an Argentinian that for some reason* lives in his house (*slave trade). Plays both SC and CS with equal potency, and hosts the awesome-est LANs at his house. Has soccer ball decal on the gas tank cover of his car. Plays soccer and has probably made out with Derric's mom. I'm pretty sure all of the guys have at least ONE picture of Ryan hidden away somewhere that they bring out on "special" occasions.

Name: Travis

Age: 17

Profile: Will be the first one to demand head from your little sister/mom/stranger. Will also be first to ask "Do you like niggers?". Can lay out a string of profanity like none other. Owns you in Quake 2. Has good idea, too. Here it is:

"When I get to judgment day, and all those people are standing in line and its all white and shit, and when God says 'Travis, you don't get to come to heaven.' I'm gonna turn around and yell 'GODAMMIT!', right before I fall through the clouds."

Name: Warren

Age: 17

Profile: Calls himself "Smoky_McWeed" and hangs out in channel WEED in SC. Has never smoked marijuana. Can lay down a mean beating in SC when he's not being the most annoying player ever (mass scouts, wtf?). Also can lay it down in CS. Has hot 8th grade sister (Age morals are for the weak!). Also likes to take showers at other people's houses (we've all got our fetishes).

Name: MrMediocre

Profile: Known to many as "The Misunderstood Stallion", and to others as "Thunder Pants". AKA in some circles as "CrotchPiston of Certain Pleasurable Death".  If you travel to the far east, he is known simply as "Purposeless Rogue" or "Man of the East". MrMediocre himself prefers to be called "MrMediocre" because he likes others to remind him that he is just another mediocre person, despite the fact that the opposite is the reality of the matter.

We walk in, and lo and behold, a palette has been made for us. Upon the floor, even! Praise be, a LAN with pre-made sleeping devices. You know how much it sucks to sleep underneath the computer table, using five t-shirts as a pillow. This was going to be good. I could see that they had a PS2 set up, and Bill was playing Blood Omen 2. Stacked on the side table were Alien, Aliens 3, and Alien: Resurrection.  We had watched Aliens last weekend, so I guess someone went alien crazy.  They had absolutely filled the kitchen up with computers. Surprisingly enough, there was a table spot left for me, too. Those motherfuckers knew better than to stick ME on the kitchen counter. Plus I had a flat screen, and that made me about 500% better than everyone there, anyway.

Now, I don't know about your LANs, but we never manage to get enough food or drink for everyone to not think at some point "I am hungry" or even "I am thirsty". I know those are some pretty harsh thoughts, and thankfully, we didn't have to deal with them this time (or so I thought). There were cakes and crackers and cookies and drinks and pizza and boys! I laid out my debut string of challenges that I had been working on during the week. Suffice to say that the mothefuckers got their share of battle challenges and they knew without a doubt that MrMediocre had indeed brought the heavy shit to the table.  Also another thing to note: See that kid with glasses in the above picture? That was David's super Christian cousin, which is weird because David is a super Jew. Who woulda thunk it? He's just a ski-trip Christian though, so we didn't feel bad when we tricked him into thinking we were gonna circle jerk later that night.

One thing that always pisses me off, though, is that fuckers bring their own drinks and shit, and they're all greedy. Fuck that man, LANs are communal activities, not to be confused with HOARDING conventions. Like Travis. When all the drinks were gone, Travis had to have those two Mountain Dews. Did he give them to me? Why no, he didn't. He drank them, and then started dipping like a redneck. Also, we caught Trey dipping and it was really funny. He's all like, "What?!? What??". Stupid Trey, dipping is for redneck pussies and mouth cancer is for fags! Don't you pay attention in school?

Here you can see that we even used up the kitchen counters. See that Mountain Dew Travis is drinking? Yeah, I WASN'T drinking it. You figure the rest out. 

So anyway, we started off the night with some Counterstrike, after we got everyone networked. Speaking of which, networking is for assholes. Its so completely random, it takes an hour just to get everyone on the network, and even then its prone to screw up all night long. But we did get some good Counterstrike action going. Exhibit A: Forrest managing to teach us all some pretty harsh lessons.

One cool thing about LANs, is that you will never, ever find more volatile testosterone induced rage and competitiveness. You won't find it amongst any kind of athlete, and you'll be hard pressed to find anything even remotely close to it in the drunken hillbilly circles. Its insane how much shit gets spewed during these things. I bet 40% of everything said is a profanity, 80% of everything said is an insult or angry comment, and the rest is stuff like "Hi" and "Bye". Its great stuff. We have about 4 fights break out every time that always end up as physical bouts later on in the night. One time I was even forced to lay down retribution on little Forrest. That was a sad thing to do, but you've gotta preserve your rep on the streets. Here you can see Forrest getting beat down again, this time by Travis. Forrest has a tendency to spew the mean game, even though he isn't a fighting stallion like the rest of us.

It was really hot in the kitchen, so we opened the back door to let some air in. Bill was sitting to the left of me, right next to the door, and he told me he was afraid a big possum was gonna come in the door and "scare him bad". I think possums are one of the only things Bill is afraid of, though.

Hah! You thought I'd ruin the mysterious air that surrounds MrMediocre and his real life manifestation? Fools! All you're gettin' is Bug-Eyed Earl!

So we played CounterStrike for a longass time, when someone suggested we do a Free For All (Of Death) in SC. Of course, those are always fun, so we fire up the game after locating our stash of burned and legal Broodwars. I join up and wait for everyone else to finish praying to their heathen gods for protection against me.

I was feelin' pretty good about this game, because I thought I had the best name. Here's who everyone was: asshole = Me, Rain = Warren, lupus = Devin,  starRaft = Jeremy, Fucktard = Derric, Mr.Gi_Jew = David, Brutal Fucking Pikachu = Forrest, RAMBO = Josh. Fucktard and Brutal Pikachu use those names on WC3, so if you see em, give them a yell, they're fun to play with. So we play the game, and since I was making, I put it on melee. Duh, what else am I gonna do? Always plan to team up in FFAs, its the only way to play. The replay can be found HERE if you're interested. Not the best game in the world, but certainly worth a download if you like replays. Me and Rain won, even though we're mortal enemies. I think its just because I'm his 8th grade sister's Gentleman Caller. People really need to get over that silly age difference moral thing.  Needless to say,  it was a pretty normal game in that everyone else got...

Of course everyone's vaginas started to itch and hurt so they whined to me about how unfair the game was. I guess the Dollar Store was all out of ValueVagiStat.  I'm starting to feel the "I want to watch a movie urge" so I wasn't really looking forward to this game. Someone else made the game and put the settings on FFA. So I told Warren where I was at and we planned to collaborate anyway. You can't keep a good bear down.  Warren got killed pretty quickly, though, and I got my ass kicked by 3 people anyway.  So I deemed that FFA "The Suck", and got up to go watch some movies.  A few others concurred and also migrated to the sleeping lair.

We decided to watch Alien Resurrection. I think Bill got scared, because he went to sleep halfway through the movie. We finished the movie up, and I cuddled up next to Bill for what I thought would be a good night's sleep. It was around 1 or 2 anyway, so it had been a long enough night.

David

Josh

Devin

Derric

Warren

Of course the stupid ones would keep playing and making noises that kept me and Bill from falling asleep.  Right around the time Travis got David's cousin to admit that he'd never masturbated, we went into super-late night mode. You know the mode where everything is either funny or makes you really mad? We were in it. I went ahead and got back up to see if I could get something to eat. Checked the food place and guess the fuck what?

GONE. Stupid heathens just don't know when to stop eating. All that was left was some crappy oatmeal Little Debbie cakes. Those things are for assholes. I looked around to see who all was still up and who had snuck off to bed and I found that Warren was still awake! Warren never stays up, ever.  He goes to bed at like 9:30. I think the reason is because he doesn't like hearing me impale his sister on my spear of passion. That or he's a SISSY GIRL, like everyone else. Jeremy had gone to bed, though.  I was really tired at that point, but we managed to find the energy to all run upstairs and the tackle Jeremy in his bed. After that it was bed time for MrMediocre. I snuggled up beside Bill, and the lights went out. It was like 5 a.m. anyway. And so I slept. I think I dreamed about someday being the first black baseball star, sort of like how Jackie Robinson was the first Chinese baseball star.

Morning came way too fast (about two hours), and I was too groggy to take any pictures of all the half naked boys getting up.  I love waking up to the sounds of StarCraft or CounterStrike.  Stim packs and "Go Go Go" are like the alarm sounds of champions.

Everyone managed to find a place to sleep it looked like. Besides that, there was no food left, and I was hungry, hungry, hungry. Most guys didn't have any money to get breakfast because they bought the food for that night. So those of that had money left did the nice thing and left their asses at the house while we went to the Waffle House! Alright! As you may know, the Waffle House is one of the greatest eating establishments ever. Great food, filthy environment, and shitty people eating there. Its awesome. After we had our fill we headed back to Jeremy's house. We were greeted by Devin and a BB gun. And what's even better, is that he was SHOOTING AT US. Nothing I love more than heathens with BB guns. Needless to say, BB Gun antics ensued, and several fights commenced.

That little kid is Jeremy's cousin Cameron. The only thing I really know about him is that he went through puberty when he was 5, so I guess that's pretty weird. We managed to calm down, and I noticed that everyone had cleaned the house and moved all our computers outside to the porch. That was a really nice thing to do, considering we didn't bring them anything for breakfast. 

We all packed up, and I ended up with 4 computers in my car.  The plan was to go home and clean up, eat, and maybe nap, and then meet at Ryan's house that night for another LAN. Bill lives right next to me, so we rode home together. We got home, and ended up having to move some stupid couches to Bill's new house. By the time we were done, and had gotten showered, it was time to head to Ryan's house. No sleep for us = sucks. Oh well, there's a reason me and Bill are the protectors of the Ancient Ways of Fighting, and its not because we are pansies who need beauty sleep. We arrived at Ryan's house, just in time to see it go into Giant-Ass-House Mode, oh wait, its always in Giant-Ass-House Mode because its a fucking giant house! Ryan sucks!

Not really. Ryan is cool and only occasionally forces us to pick cotton and harvest cocoa beans on his father's plantations. Ryan's house LANs are really cool because we have lots of room and usually places to sleep. Sometimes his dad scares me, but pretty much all shirtless, angry men scare me. Also, Ryan's sister, who I think is about 8 or 9, is pretty hot. It's all about investing in the future, my friends, investing in the future.  We set up our rigs, and immediately start doing what we do best, and that's letting SETI use our computers to communicate our weakness to warlike civilizations all over the universe! That and playing games.

We played for a couple hours, and everyone arrived eventually. Travis, Trey and I decided to go and get some drinks for the guys around 8:30. We set out intent on bringing back glorious drinkage for our comrades. But instead we ended up just driving around for a few hours and not getting drinks. And by that I mean, we most certainly did not partake of any substances illegal for minor or American citizen use. You know how it is sometimes. Anyway, I woke up that morning, and had a great breakfast prepared by the lovely mother of Ryan. Everyone was feeling pretty worn down from two days of LANing, and I wasn't really in the best shape either. So we slowly packed up, and one by one, we headed home. Another LAN was done, and another weekend was consumed. All in all, a great time was had by all, and I'm sure some great gaming went down at Ryan's while we were gone the night before, but we were too busy out "driving around".

That concludes The Spring Break LAN of DOOM.  I hope you guys enjoyed it! Again, I apologize to all the modem users, but I think you'll agree that it was worth it. Have a good day and thanks for reading!

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