And so, after almost 15 years apart, I receive this letter from my long gone brother. I remember when he dishonored the family by leaving the protective womb of our father and headed for unexplored territory. That goddamn Dialzone, always going against our father. This time, he would be in for a surprise, he would see that his will-less brother has gotten stronger, and knows his way around fist-to-fist combat.

  That damn rat is gonna pay!

  Dialzone had literally invited me to come over, and thus, I had no trouble getting there. Only, when we arrived in town, things took a turn for the worse. Turned out Dialzone had established his own gang, and was running a brothel across town! I had an idea; Not only was I gonna beat his face into a bloody pulp, but at the same time, I would claim this city in our family's name!

  Word was sent to my father, and money was returned, so that I could carry out my task. Smashing open the doors on a nearby bar, and gunning down the staff, we soon found a suitable place to mount operations from. I brought some thugs from Corleone, and effective they were indeed! After just a few hours, we found income in the form of protection money form a nearby merchant. Curiously, he called himself a goblin and had a extremely large head. I liked him from the start.

  With income secured, I sent a little kid out to do some snooping around. Turns out, the city was called Lost Temple...

  After a while, I expanded my business, building a private hospital and a restaurant. The restaurant could feed more employees, and I recruited some more thugs for petty crimes and money extortion. At the end of the day, it would all end up in my pocket. Before long, I was getting bored and decided to inspect the surroundings. I went for the town center, and smacked up some ridiculous hoodlums who tried to mug me, what a laugh. After a little sightseeing, I was joined by a couple of my hired gangsters, wielding bows. I tried to explain that someone invented a machine gun not long ago, and that it might be more effective. The brainless gangsters told me that "They were leet and needed no such noob hacks." I gave up and told them to follow me.

  With the help of my gangsters, I gave a few locals a sound beating, causing a bright light to erupt around me. One of the gangster said I leveled up or something. I deemed him insane and sliced him up.

  Feeling the need for female companionship, I picked up this bow wielding chick in town. Funny thing, she never leaves that huge tiger she's riding. Not even during sex. I tell you, it's something different.

  I decided it was time to pay my brother a visit. Some of my street spies informed me about a new whore house building just south of Dialzone's first one. Infuriated with rage, I decided to take my bitch and a couple of those bow fanatics along and show him what happens when you fuck with the Don.

  It didn't take long to get there, but even as I was hacking away at the brothel, a pack of lesbians and queer guys with staffs came rushing from the north, with Dialzone wielding a huge hammer, running towards me with foam all over his mouth. At first we all laughed a bit, but the damn lesbian began throwing shit at us, slowing us down! On top of that, the silly queers were making big shiny things above all of Dialzone's mobsters! With such gayness, we had no option but to flee the scene.

  When we returned to our HQ, I was furious! That damn bisexual pothead! Recruiting lesbians and child-molesters alike, showing no respect to old ways of the Cosa Nostra. If he wanted war, he would have war!

  To strengthen my ranks, I began recruiting spear wielding honeys, who were not only true to their sexuality, but also claimed to be able to "Dispel stuff". Whatever. I also found a huge thug that could roar everyones ears off.

  I got word that Dialzone were getting his hands busy in the fancy north quarter, leaving his dirty fingerprint on the beautiful area, and setting up another low-class whorehouse. I could not let such a distasteful move go unnoticed, and went over to teach him some manners.

  Upon arrival, I saw several handicap toilets under construction. At the time, I was incredibly drunk/high, and mistook them for fantasy looking watch towers, getting ready to shoot arrows. So I gathered up my gangsters and molested them like retarded pigs. During the battle, several of my roaring gangsters turned into giant bears. Gotta lay off the booze.

  Dialzone finally arrived on the scene, and his huge lesbian army began turning my bears into sheep... Realizing my acid trip must have reached new and truly horrifying levels, I decided to flee back to my new base just north of my west side HQ.

  After the failed attack, Dialzone suddenly raced up by my new base, and started his own little drive-by shooting! Only he wasn't driving! And he was using fireballs! But still.

  It developed into a long and bloody shoot-out, sending myself to the hospital after "burning" several lesbians. Near the end, only the top gangsters of each side remained, and to my great surprise my bitch smoked one after another, and forced Dialzone himself to run off with some old guy on a horse that was quite possibly his lover.

  There was quite a dull after the fierce battle, and i took some time off with my bitch, enjoying that extra pleasure that comes with a tiger between your legs. (Ha!)

  After such pleasurable moments, we received news that Dialzone was attempting to reinforce his positions in the north, and he had forced out several heterosexual peasants, so that he expand his organization. We could not let this stand, and immediately set out to undo Dialzone's wrongs. We pulled up at his northern HQ, and soon, those leet tommy guns were firing away. Except, they're weren't tommy guns, but arrows. I like tommy guns.

  Once again, his lesbians made my bears go nuts (yeah lesbians do that to bears) and were turning them into fluffy bringers of gayness. Upon seeing this, i went into a blind rage, and began hurling large rocks at Dialzone's gangsters, obviously not pleased with the situation. Even though we were outnumbered at least 3 to 1, the weak lesbians and priests were falling one by one. After a long and tough struggle, myself and my bitch were the last ones standing, having now cleared the northern area of Dialzone's henchmen.

  The time had come. With only a few supporters, I set out to assassinate Dialzone, and take his empire with him. This town was gonna be mine!

  I was accompanied by my bitch, and 6 of my best men and women, all eager to inflict serious damage. We started our journey of destruction by the brothel just south of his main. No longer was this whore house gonna be a nuisance to the poor inhabitants, we were gonna burn it to the ground!

  We pulled up beside the building and began putting it under fire, it would soon collapse, and with luck, draw Dialzone himself out of his bush. But while we were shooting away, my own base came under attack by a huge army of sword slinging bastards, and Dialzone's butt-buddy. Realizing I couldn't handle them, we pressed the attack on Dialzone's encampment. Within seconds, a blight light erupted in front of me, and the aforementioned butt-buddy popped up with just a few henchmen. I was puzzled as to why he didn't bring he rest, and took the few men down after going into a blood rage of previously unknown proportions. The butt-buddy died once and for all, and we drove on to Dialzone's HQ, just north. There, we were quickly put under fire again, and it looked as though we were doomed for sure... But then, my bitch pointed her hands to the sky, muttering strange words, and began to call down hundreds upon hundreds of stars! This amazing wonder made short work of Dialzone's mobsters and buildings, but Dialzone himself, were nowhere to be seen...

  Suddenly, with the corner of my eye, I caught Dialzone charging towards my bitch, hammer in hand. He was not going to stop her while I was around! I charged towards him and burned him with my scorching stick, causing him to lose courage and drop to the ground.

  Finally, Dialzone was dead.

Authors Comments:

First of all, this is meant to be taken with huge truckloads of salt. The game did actually take place, but I changed a few of the events to make it shorter and hopefully, more enjoyable. I guess I wanted a break from the "normal" reports, and did this after playing the game Mafia (very good). So I got into this whole gangster Mafia "thing", and this is a product thereof. I don't really know what to say about it, except that the graphics were probably the funniest to do :)

Since its apparently very hip to have reporting philosophies (read: Halp Halp) I'm gonna share mine with you: Personally I like short, informative and funny text, and its a good idea to cut away all the uninteresting details. Also, pretty graphics that support the text and are easy on the eye.

Also, a big thank you to Dialtone for not getting totally pissed off when I showed him a preview. Okay so he did get pissed off, but he's a fine lad and he's got a rogue in Neverwinter Nights, so bare with him :-D

As for the next LinG BR, expect something "themeish" as well, if I can drag my lumbering body away from Neverwinter :( Ranger Powa! Weee!

The report was written in Dreamweaver, css in notepad and graphics in Photoshop 7.
Click here to mail me, and click here to check out some of my photoshop shiat.