"use defiler fools!"
[FLS]Prozerran
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| Clash of the Newbs 4 | | | Author: | | | IP: | pool-68-XXXX | | Date: | 08/13/03 02:08 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | Image Heavy(2), Starcraft(2), Gorgeous(1), Long(1), Funny(1), Problem: Spam(1), Flashy(2) | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 8, Min: 8
Lifetime Rating for Sabotage: 7.0476 |  |
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A husband in his house picks up the phone, and hears that his wife was in a car accident. He goes to
the hospital, and the doctor says, "Your wife is paralyzed below the neck, now you have to feed her,
and dress her, and all those things." The husband started crying, then the doctor said, "I'm just screwing with you,
she's dead!"
Ah, yes. Current events have been good at this site. The-nut has finally graduated from
non-gold reporting! So, since January, Lurker, nut, and myself have gotten golds.
This site has gained and lost people.
I have gained much skill in photoshop and FlashMX. In photoshop all I used to know was the damn blur tool, and Flash
I knew nothing of. With a little help from my friend "ling" (not to be confused with Zerg~ling), and a few others,
I present the finished version of "CLASH OF THE NEWBS 4"...
Right Click and Press Play to Start
Hello reader! For the last time I will welcome you to the report. Here are the player descriptions.
| Sabotage-: A new nohunter,
no skill, bad strategy, uh, you know, gay.
Convider: Some average guy
who you see once in awhile, skill? I dunno.
Bob the Newt: HOFer of course.
He talks quite a bit :), and says funny things.
All-Fear: Fear the phj33r!
He goes with gay Protoss. Phj33r's skills are gosu compared to someone like
me, but we'll see what he can do to the others, who are all also 10x better than me TT.
Cold[fusion]: Cold fusion hangs
around the channel all day trying to advertise his gosu SC conversion, which is cool,
but I couldn't turn it off for awhile.
Iced.: I believe this is Icehawk,
maybe I'm wrong. Either way, this guy is mysterious to me.
Satanscookies: Hmm, I think he was one of the old school ~nohunters from the "golden age"
who still hang out. But he's cool enough so that when I talk to him, he never answers :(.
Let the games begin! (Place bets now)
4 Terrans, 2 protoss, and 1 zerg started on orbital death at the positions, not doing any
unusual things.
Convider sent a fresh scv right out of the
Command center to scout
Sabotage
, while he started the average Terran build.
Iced. sent a newly warped probe to scout as well.
He found Satanscookies making
early Terran buildings, with no signs of medics or firebats. Shit-head then decided to
dual gate, so maybe he could catch the Terran off guard.
Cold[fusion] scouted around this time, and began
construction of a homosexual wall, to block off any rushes. What he didn't know, was that there was another
entrance to his base that he didn't cover. Thats what happens when you don't scout!
The other players were teching regularly, with significant defences to hold off attack - save one. The cookiecutter. We will see his defence put to the test later.
Cold[fusion] made mechanical units to sit behind his
wall, the non-expanding Sabotage teched toward
Lair,
Convider made a cheesy terran circle wall-in around his base, while
Bob the Newt teched to science facility, and
All-Fear dual gated like the
other protoss.
Shit-head, made a handful of zealots for the purpose of rushing Satanscookies with. Immediately after a fifth zealot stumbled out of his training, he sent all five of them on attack mode into the middle of Satanscookies's base.
When the Zealots had arrived, they encountered as few as 5 marines, that retreated to the scv line to
micro, but they were pursued and the marines were butchered and left to rot. When the zealots started slicing the SCVs, Satanscookies had
no time for anything else, and he was pissed(his economy was going to die), so he left.
Iced. regrouped his zealots after the attack, and sent them to the
upper left spot, where
Cold[fusion] dwelt. The zealots passed through the
unwatched side of upper left, and hit the mechanical units from behind. The units there helplessly ran around, to try to avoid getting hit by the zealot's vicious swipes, but running only gave the zealots more time to enclose around the units, and finish them off, but then the gang of vultures groups together, and microed their way to victory.
All-Fear, the other homo, had a production line of 5 gateways,
which he used to warp in out zealots and goons. He sent three dragoons to scout
puny-ass Sabotage. The zerg had no units yet, only a morphing
lair, sunkencolony, and drones.
All-Fear kept the dragoons behind the mineral line, and in response,
Sabotage fled the drones away, but then after waiting, suffered the lack of income. He was vulnerable.
The dragoons moved forth and attacked a morphing sunken nearby.
Sabotage was desperate for money, and sacrificed many drones to trap the dragoons in a lethal worker
encirclement. Once the Dragoon threat was gone, he returned to his teching, but he became fragile, and
more sucky, and had to suffer terrible the process of rebuilding.
Earlier on, Cold[fusion]'s scouts found
All-Fear's encampment.
Cold[fusion] had an extra squad of vultures. A perfect oppurtunity for gayness! He sent them down, dodging stray units and such, to lower right, behind the protoss
mineral line.
Suckily, All-Fear was quite prepared for this, and
surrounded the vultures with zealots. And of course, vultures own zealots, but not when they're
hugging. The vulture drivers never ever returned to their families.
Now, Iced. had a few spare goons, and
a fair income. He went for Cold[fusion] one more
time to see if he could successfully fux him. He commanded several dragoons to attack. Into the scvs they went, and no defence arose in anger. Seeing the dragoons dropping his SCV count,
Cold[fusion] gave up the game.
So then it was 10 minutes into the game.
We had two protoss, two terran, and a zerg unpleasantly caught somewhere in the middle.
Iced. moved his scary-ass eye to
Sabotage's feeble-ass base. The zerg
was next on the executor's "To Screw up and/or kill and/or fux" list.
Iced. moved his men above
the creep and hit the extractor. No defending units challenged the dragoons, and the extractor went to extractor heaven.
Iced.'s dragoons started moving in, and finished
off a few retarted buildings. Sabotage, to defend, ordered
half a dozen zerglings, with 2 mutalisk to hatch.
Iced. then issued his dragoons
forth to kill the final patch of retarted buildings, until the two mutalisks came out and
rained Glaive Wurms upon the dragoons squad's sorry asses. The walkers ran in an easterly direction, but drew too near the sunken patch, and that mistake subtracted many from their number. The
mutalisks were then turned into flying juice particles, but the zerglings dashed forth, and dug their claws into the protoss sheilds.
Sabotage thought he had them
but
teh-excretion just so happened to be
a fairly good microer. He pulled the front dragoons back, then pulled the back dragoons behind the front again, so that
he could get the most sexiness out of each dragoon. The zerglings ran into each other and became scrambled and disoriented. 4 fresh lings from the
hatchery ran in that instant, and the dragoons started the micro again, getting tons of life out of each dragoon.
The dragoon micro made teh zerglings attack in thick pie-formations, so that each time would take them an extra second or two to
regain their normal formation. (After all, zerglings are idiots). The numbers of zerglings were rusted down after time, but baby zerglings kept coming in twos.
At that point the dragoons didn't even have to micro, and just comfortably held position, and dispatched the zerglings coming in.
Sabotage, very annoyed at this, stopped his suicidal and idiotic zergling strategy, and started
humbly making more sunkens, awaiting his death.
Iced. added reinforcements for the battle, and merged the stale dragoons with the fresh infantry (like a salad with rotten crap in it).
He had zealots too, with the leg speed so any zerglings that would challenge them would be ketchupped before any damage could be done.
He attacked without heeding the power and sheer pwning-skills of Sunken Colonies. The reasonably large group of protoss killed as few as 4 sunkens, because of
Sabotage's corny block of
Colonies, which in fact was perfect for protoss infantry. (actually its not but w/e)
Bob the Newt has been very tranquil since the start, what could he be up to? Gayness, of course. He spent his untroubled time advancing to a sparkling, new, covert ops, and all that is necessary to make ghosts and nukes. (that means academy too)
Bob the Newt trained a ghost, made a nuke, and decided to test his first wave of sexuallity on the unsuspecting, but very horny, Protoss, Iced..
The cusses flew as the words of terror emerged in the middle of the screen.
Iced. checked his base, and
to his horror, the red dot was on his base. He wasn't pleased at all, but he did have an orgasm of anguish.
Iced.
Iced.,
decided to take
his anger out on
Sabotage, the old granny
on crutches who was brutally attacked twice, and now a third time.
Brown dragoons came streaming into
Sabotage's base, and
the zerg defended what he had left. Once again, the drones saved the
lair, and the dragoons toppled, but then another huge brown smeared string of dragoons
stumbled in, and attacked the already crippled base. Luckily for the zerg, they retreated once they
felt the hurt of sunkencolonies, and left, leaving
Sabotage to once again rebuild
his whole base. A gay, painful process. The zerg renewed
the dead sunkens, and made a new defensive line at the top of the base for northern attacks. That kept
him busy, while waiting for somebody to flick his puny ass off the map. The brown deeds have been done.
Iced. retreated his men from
Sabotage's turtling, and
cleared the upper left area, (the old realm of Cold[fusion]).
Bob the Newt watched the troops with
his ghost, and aimed a nuke in the middle of them, so that maybe he could blast them away, and
take the spot for himself.
Shitcicle checked his main first, and was relieved
not to see a red dot there, but then he noticed the dot near his troops.
He ran them away just in time, and the nuke failed to kill its target.
Bob the Newt created another nuke
right after the last one fell. He followed the dragoons back to
Iced.'s main, and decided once again
to nuke the cluster of Protoss buildings that were there.
The nuke was ready, then the ghost aimed the dot on a pylon that powered a few buildings.
The nuke hurled into the ground and the pylon blasted into blue flames. a nearby photon cannon was also
wiped out, and the rest of the buildings burned. More curses.
After these events, there was a long period of golden silence. Convider slowly crept outside his small circle, and made factories, bunkers, and all kinds of confidential buildings, while
Sabotage, sat within his walled
base, slowly replenished his drones.
All-Gay had ordered the
construction of a huge army, which he stationed in his base, for later use,
Bob the Newt started another nuke,
Iced. hung on to what he had, and expanded to the lower left base. Nobody was anxious for war, except one.
All-Fear with a juicy shitload of
Protoss infantry, prepared his offensive plans.
The mighty eye of
All-Fear shifted
to the old granny with a broken neck in a wheelchair with no limbs who was abused way too many times,
Sabotage.
Imagine a newborn baby on a plate that is put on a railroad track, and one of those magnet trains flew off its own track miles away and went thousands of feet into the air and came hurdling down and hits the plate at 800 mph, then you could imagine how
badly crappotage lost the fight.
Zealots with leg upgrades came jetting in, and the dragoons stepped up the ramp. The sunkens were turned into sausage, the militia of drones was mustarded by the dragoons, and in a short time,
Sabotage the granny was reduced into an eyeball, and the eyeball was allowed to watch the rest of the game.
Iced. used the leftovers of the failed
Sabotage raid, mingled with new dragoons, to attack an
expansion that
Bob the Newt had claimed. The Protoss force attacked in the
form of a brown smear. The zealots had to wait until the dragoon in front of him died to get out, while the marines in the bunkers pissed away at their shields. After much suffering, the zealots got in the front, and the dragoons
walked in the wrong direction, and served at big, wide, targets for the tank's firing rod. Only half of them got a chance to shoot a plasma ball. Once the defences fell, few Protoss soldiers were
left so the SCVs trapped them and gnawed away at their armor with their fusion cutters. Many workers became dogfood, but the Protoss
suffered worse casualties.
All-Fear's army didn't stop at
Sabotage. In fact they went much further.
All-Fear had a good idea of where everything was,
and had already scouted the expansion at lower left, and that would be his next target. With a brand spanking new arbiter,
he had a great advantage over the enemy, and useful it would prove in the fight.
He withdrew the arbiter a good deal back, out of fear of corsairs and scouts (which were never made). Pieces of zealot
armies collided with each other, while
All-Fear had his dragoons north of the expansion. A bunch of zealots running by
couldn't see the goons, so the dragoons got free shots.
Iced. kept sending little brown shitty strings of zealots, but they couldn't help, so he had to
watch his expansion die. He started making more dragoons to see if he could kill the arbiter.
Iced. sent a handful of dragoons as soon as they
were done, then another handful behind that. The first group was raped by a few templars, and the second group didn't get screwed so early, and did "battle" with
All-Fear's large "army". Of course,
All-Fear won the battle by a "long shot". (Don't I sicken you?)
He finished off
Iced.'s other expansion that was near his main base.
Bob the Newt had another nuke ready, again,
and once more decided to bomb
Iced., since he was an easy target for rape. Once
the nuke was aimed,
Iced. was frantic and furious. He sent an observer
to the ghost, but in vain. The nuke was already dropping, and the observer was smoked.
Convider had been gaining confidence, and he finally started building
outside his wall-in circle.
Bob the Newt saw this as a perfect opportunity for pwnification.
A teal ghost and dropship moved left of
Convider's base, and the first nuke was aimed.
Iced. checked himself for aids, and was
relieved that the shot wasn't aimed at himself.
Convider then got the horrible feeling that it was him, and it was clarified when he saw the dot on his missile turret. (I'm shivering in mah boots)
As if that wasn't sexy enough,
Bob the Newt moved his ghost forward, and sent a second nuke down, pummeling
Convider into a miserable crap. He decided to give up and observe. So now there was only one Terran left.
Bob the Newt had yet another sexual wave, and
for the last time, used it on
Iced..
After
Bob the Newt reduced him into a pile of poo,
All-Fear finished off
Iced., and let him observe the rest of the FFA.
All-Fear then used the rest of his
army to attack
Bob the Newt's guarded expansion.
All-Fear let loose psionic storm upon the defences. The dragoons rushed ahead and finished off the bunker, but
Bob the Newt had three tanks above the ledge
overlooking the expansion, which did terrible things to the dragoons after they got near the mineral line.
All-Fear's dragoons were just smears on the floor.
Then the zealots ran forth, but were surrounded and harvested by the SCVs.
Bob the Newt easily won the battle, and claimed victory.
Bob the Newt, in return,
snuck a ghost next to
All-Fear's new mineral line,
to hit him where it hurts. The nuke was successful. All the probes were blasted into bite-size eatables, but awaking the anger of
All-Fear was a big mistake.
All-gay had
3 stargates that were making carriers for quite a while, and decided it was
time to end the game. He sent the carriers forth, and destroyed all of
Bob the Newt's expansions.
The carriers showed up at the main Terran base,
Convider got an erection,
and an arbiter recalled
ground troops. As one last effort,
Bob the Newt hid a nuke under his
floating CC, which anihalated the ground troops and most of the interceptors, but
the carriers remade what was unmade, the turrets were destroyed, and the game was over.
The report is over, but I still have some unfinished business.
goes to ZERG~ling (reports 5-10)
And NOW, the report is done. See you next time, on report 11!
Special thanks to Ling, All-fear, and the players, and Ice I hope you didn't mind me calling you shithead :)
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