"My girlfriend has decided to invade..so I dont think I'll be able to help..."
-Fractal_Wave (When asked for a hand doing a BR)
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| Read this title, then give me a 10 | | | Author: | | | IP: | user-0ceXXXX | | Date: | 01/10/04 11:01 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 7, Min: 7
Lifetime Rating for Desert Demon: 7.7353 |  |
Ah yes...StarCraft. The game of champions. Of warriors. Of sexy people in general. So awesome when compared to that drab WC3 thing. How people derive pleasure from that is beyond me.
I'm sure all of you remember me. If not, I suggest you take the time to examine this link: link. Clicking on it is probably a good idea, but you can stare at it if you want. Damned if you matter to me.
So we were hanging out in good ol' op ta.com, doing the weird stuff we normally do. I won't go into details, as it's indescripable. If you're curious, I'd suggest coming over and checking it out. Anyway, as I recall, we all join around the same time, and born-to-porn, always ready for a good 2v2, sees that there's more than four active players, a rarity in these times. He says "2v2!" over and over, and I decide that the players are sufficiently sexy to report. I host the game, and then three people join. Three. What happened to the 6+ active in the channel? Ah well. Some /f msg spamming pulls in another player and another obs, and after the map is dled, and random insults are thrown around, the business of teams begins. While everyone is suggesting stuff, I decide that it's time to make a decision! To take command! So I propose:
No one has any complaints, so I check to see if everyone is ready. After the confusion that follows the question "rdy?" I start up the game.
Players:
x]MU[x: Affectionatley known as "moomoo" to me, MU hangs out around me, and tends to play D maps a lot. I mean, wtf? Anyway, he randoms and ends up with protoss this game.
CruelIntentions: Cruel randoms to terran in this game. As far as I know, this is his best race, and that becomes evident as the game progresses.
Dr.Tongue: I'm not sure if this is the doctor of tongues, or if he's a tongue. Either way, he's the doc in this game, and randoms to zerg.
born-to-porn: Take your hands out of your pants. It's hard to scroll like that. Myth surrounds btp's name; for example, there's the legend that he was born with porn in his hands. He randoms to zerg.
MU and Cruel start off on the top half of our map, Gaema Gowon, on the left and right starts respectivley. Yeah, it's not temple. BTP and the good Doctor start off on the bottom half of the map, with btp on the right, and Doc on the left. Peons are cloned and built, and the reigning goddess of Gowon decides to leave on account of the devaluing effect of bloodstains on her real estate.
Builds go more or less as follows for the first few minutes:
x]MU[x:
Pylon
Gateway
Assimilator
Pylon
Cybernetics Core
Citadel of Adun
CruelIntentions:
Supply Depot
Barracks
Refinery
Supply Depot
Factory
Supply Depot
Starport
Dr.Tongue:
Hatchery
Spawning Pool
Extractor
Creep Colony (at 2nd hatch)
Morph to Sunken Colony
Morph to Lair
born-to-porn:
Hatchery
Spawning Pool
Extractor
Creep Colony (at 2nd hatch)
Morph to Sunken Colony
At this point, all of our friendly players are content to build up, as opposed to a immensly early rush. MU opts for tech, and gets a Templar Archives after said Citadel, whilst BTP and Doc get dens in preparation for hydralisks. The tension is so thick, its causing blurs...or maybe I need to clean my monitor. Cruel plops down a second barracks, and then an academy, then starts building medarine, and after plugging a control tower on his starport, builds a dropship. At this point, MU has two templar, and begins to morph an archon just above his ramp. But it seems our dual zerg team hasn't been idle. BTP has hydralisks at this point, and sends them on a crusade up to MU's base, ripping through the zealots holding the choke and waltzing into the base, ready for blood. MU must have shouted for help, or wet himself visibly, because Cruel loads up a dropship of medarine and drops them off in MU's base, using them to oust the hydralisks. MU and Cruel share a passionate moment, and then continue their games.
During this foray, our lovely Doctor has teched to lurkers, and after a brief period in which both of our zergy Zerg players rebuild their army, an attack is launched on Cruel. Hydralisks, much less cocky after hearing the horror stories from the survivers of the last attack, carefully make their way to Cruel's ramp, when all of a sudden the howl of Arclite fills the air. They engage the Terran forces. Friendly fire from lurks doesnt help, and Cruel comes out victorious in this skirmish, if a tad bloody. The marines pass out vodka to celebrate, until it makes it through their dense skulls that there's a war going on.
Our northern team is riled now, and begins a series of drops. Cruel takes his lovely dropship and attempts to unload onto Doc's main, but the hydralisks there seem to dislike the idea. I wonder why. MU is more successful, sneaking a DT into BTP's base and prodding stuff with it. BTP sends an ovie to detect, but the DT makes it into a shuttle and away before it hits the oh-so-dreadful 0 hp. Other DTs are sent out, and they run into a pack of hydralisks. However, before they can shred their hapless victims, an overlord moves into position, and the two DTs run away, leaving a urine puddle behind.
Cruel takes to the offensive, proceeding to move his army down towards BTP's choke point. His medics "distract" the hydralisks there, and the tanks get time to move into position. However, this is 2v2, and in 2v2, there's something called a partner. That strange something erupts into existence from the west, and charges Cruel's formation. The ravenous Zerg of Doc Tongue begin to hold a party at Cruel's offensive, and the hapless terrans are the snacks. More blood is spilled, and a few tanks blow up, yadda yadda yadda. Typical TvZ battle, except that its more of TvZZ. Whatever, just look at the pretty picture.
Doc has expanded to his natural by now, but MU spots it. He's not so happy, especially after he was violated by those hydralisks way back when, and so he amasses his forces to proceed. The army of High Templar and Zealots marches down valiantly--as good warriors should march--to the zerg blob outside of Doc's base. Turning on their psyblades, they proceed to make fine incisions, and remove the heart. Or attack the hatchery even. Too many hospital dramas are bad for you. Anyway, Doc's forces quickly move to engage, and BTP sends his inquisitive hydra group over to investigate what is going on, and why Doc is throwing stuff at him an shouting "WTF HELP ME IDIOT!!" What follows would be impossible to describe, so I'm gonna say "$picture = 1000 * $word;" and show you my lovely medley of images.
By now, all of our heroes have expanded to their natural bases. SCVs, Probes, and Drones are congregated at these groups of rare minerals to participate in the peon orgy. I have life footage, if anybody wants to see. Go to www.peonsgonewild.com for details. Anyway, Cruel continues his little tiff with BTP and unloads a nasty medarine/tank drop directly into his natural. BTP's hydralisks run to the scene, but end up crapping out more creep in their fear. However, they are eventually capable of dispatching the enemy units in glorious combat. I would recommend using some LSD and then pretending you can visualize it, because my screencap button fell off right about then, and by the time I fixed it, the battle was over. But there's something else on the screen that catches my eye. It was the beginning of a new phase in this game, a phase where one player would have to show his prowess, and use every last skill he had to overpower his foes. This epic struggle begins with the following message from dear old MU...
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you counted right; it's a 2v1 now. I'm so proud of you. But who cares? You all want to know what happens next, right? Selfish bastards. Anyway, now that MU is no longer of concern, BTP and the good Doctor grin devilishly. Amassing their forces, they decide that 2v1 is easy enough. Having determined that they were going to play until the end, they come up with a devious scheme: they're going to double-team Cruel. Give their ingenuity a hand, ladies and gentlemen. The hungry Zerg amass themselves in the middle, and they make their weird gurgling noises in preparation for battle. Doc's zerglings make it there first, followed by wave after wave of raucous Zerg. The terrans holding Cruel's expansion go through five or six pairs of pants each just to keep clean, miraculously managing to change while shooting. That takes skillz. Blood sprays all over the place, making pretty designs. But no designs could bring victory to our valiant, barbaric, Zerg. The defense is too strong, and the ranks are whittled away. Turn on some dirge or something while viewing this collosal picture detailing the combat.
After this, all of our players take a short break to replentish their forces, and Cruel decides to make his move. He proceeds to send forces (medarine/tank/SV) down to BTP's natural base. BTP sends his troops to defend, and at the same time calls for help from Doc, who sends his little zerglings. Their forces converge on the Terran army, and though the Terrans fight valiantly, the sheer numbers overwhelm them. All survivors run away with their proverbial tails between their legs. Except for the science vessels, because they fly away.
Cruel continues his attacks with a drop on the good Doctor, which razes a few buildings before troops arrive and are able to dispatch the invasion. As these troops fall, Cruel moves another army down to BTP's choke. True to his name, his intentions are quite cruel. Both of our Zerg players converge to defend, but the medarine and tanks convert many into splashes of blood. Doc has gotten filers recently, and he sends about five of them along with his army, swarm spamming the battlefield and tipping the battle in his and his partner's favor. The marines are incabable of seeing their targets, however, fearing their master's wrath, they fire shots into the haze anyway. Oddly enough, the hydralisks within the cloud can see out, so you have to wonder whether the marines really couldn't see in or whether they're just lazy bitches. It's up to interpretation, but I prefer the latter explanation.
Cruel attacks again, this time his troops manage to get onto the creep, as the Zerg forces were off chasing the runaways from the last attack. Wimps are useful for something it seems. Anyway, BTP sees the red box erupt from his minimap, and takes a second to read the SC manual to figure out what it means. Suddenly, an ominous voice informs him. "Dude, j00r f0rc3z 4r3 und3r 4774ck!!1 D3F3NDZ0RZ!!!11one" BTP moves his troops into position, and with Doc Tongue's help, the Terrans find themselves in a crappy situation. The battle equipped units die, leaving a bunch of medics having a healing orgy in BTP's natural. But they soon decide that that's not fun anymore, and it's about time to head back home. A few manage to make it, too.
Cruel continues the cruel pattern, dropping off some marines into Doc's base, and taking out a few sunken colonies. Zerglings charge in and manage to take down a few of the offending units, but mostly, they're killed. Suddenly, the ground shakes. Three ultralisks, hungry for love, wander into Doc's main base. They see the sexy terrans, and charge over to display their love by grasping their newfound friends with their kaiser blades. Sadly, they grip a little too hard, and the Terrans fall apart. A requiem is held by the ultralisks before Doc tells them to shut up, and start making themselves useful. If there's one thing a Zerg player hates, it's an overemotional ultralisk. I'm sure all the Zerg players in the audience can relate to that. Anyway, it seems that Doc has hive by now. If you really can't figure out how I came to that conclusion...close this window and do something productive.
Cruel moves another army down to BTP's choke and engages the Zerg forces. BTP and Doc Tongue once again attack it, although the majority of the forces comes from the left, as opposed to equal amounts from both directions as before. This time, however, Cruel is able to defend himself from the onslaught, and as the smoke of the battle clears, and all the entrails finally land, the Terrans still hold their position. This can only get better! But sadly, it's time for an intermission. I gotta take a leak. But I'll put up the picture for you image monkeys.
BTP flails wildly as Cruel's army skips into his base and starts burning stuff down like the pyros they are. Blood sprays everywhere, because for some reason when you burn flesh it explodes into a bloody mass. Beats me why. A little of everything comes to defend, some through a nydus into the mineral only from Doc, and some from BTP's main. The Zerg forces converge on the Terrans, but it seems that Cruel has a larger, more powerful army (3/3 upgrades helped a little, but not too much), and he takes out the resistance. His army marches up the ramp into BTP's main, and start hacking away at what's there. The last sunken of resistance falls quickly, and the Terrans begin to party by torching the base, resulting in a surplus of ketchup for the next fiscal year. Heinz would do well playing TvZ, but don't let on. Cruel's campaign of cruelty is far from over, though. Another branch of his army moves to Doc's base, and begins the assault on the second Zerg. On a side note, MU's back from his eating spree, and he sees we're still playing. "omg newbs"
Cruel's army moves into Tongue's base, and the troops open fire. Doc throws what little he has at the advancing forces, but medarine is a royal pain to kill, and the good Doctor was hurting already. Comments are thrown around about the game as the Terran forces start to burn down the base. Cruel starts to cut through the remaining structures, and BTP/Tongue concede. GG guys.
Vital Statistics
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Number of screenshots taken: 275
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Number of said screenshots actually used: Much much less than that.
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Most memorable moment of today: Getting smacked in my face with a snowball thrown by my younger brother. omghax.
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Number of times I listened to Fett's Vette while watching the game, making the report, and generally lounging around: Too many times to be healthy.
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Sexiness factor of you for having gotten this far: Off the charts. Make love to me. Now.
Thanks to our players for playing the game, to my print screen key for taking all the punishment I put it through (I'll pay you back, brother), and to everyone else in the world. This report is now over...but I'm still free for comments, or even better gifts.
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