"Attack with just land troops! Be a man! Don't attack with your BCs!"
-parkeryo
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| The Battle of bridges, which are WAY too near. | | | Author: | | | IP: | c-24-10-XXXX | | Date: | 06/01/04 05:06 | | Game Type: | Warcraft 3 | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 5, Min: 5
Lifetime Rating for Lord_AAY: 4.5000 |  |
(BTW THAT COPY OF AN OLD REPORT SEVERAL LINES DOWN WASn'T DONE BY ME, BUT SOMEONE USED MY NAME. PLZ DElETe IT RUiNS mY AWESOME 3.0 LIfETIME RATING THX)
Yeah I know I said I wouldn't post a new report until the next blizz game, but I figure why keep my yearning masses waiting. Here is a totally new ABOSLUTELY ORIGINAL Effortless report.
Begining. No, Begginning? Beginning? HOW THE FUCK DO U SPELL IT?!
I hit the Random 1v1 bloody dagger button one fine sunday afternoon for a quick Undead game before I went to see "The Day After Tomorrow". Having 2 hours Left, I figured I could squeeze in atleast 3 more games. Little Did I know I had just entered the GAME SEARCH FROM HELL!
I grabbed my Farside Comic book to read while the thing found me an opponent; I usually manage to pump a few panels in before the Familiar .. What IS that instrument? Some sort of Tuba/Trumpet/Drum Combo? BARUMP!
But this time the sound never came. I polished off the ENTIRE BOOK before wondering "oMg WTF BBQ", As it had been a good 45 minutes without a matchup. I was positively mad and hungry so I decided to go grab a sandwich and beer from the old fridge. When I came back I saw the Damn 3 Acos and ghoul standing there looking at me Going "WTF D00D!" And I was all like "FUCK U NEW AMM!!"
Anyway the map was the very confusing and postively Perplexing..
A BRIDGE TOO NEAR
I used to love this map, as the dragon roost provided an easy win with a side of ownage on the side, but ever since it was removed I just hated it because I hate bridges. And Market Places.
I was at a disadvantage because I had no idea what race my opponent was, so, being the idiot that I am, I sent one of my ACOS over to check things out.
I, btw, started out at the TOP LEFT corner, where as my opponent started top RIGHT. I sent my aco counter clock wise around the map until he finally hit my opponents equally UD base. His Graveyard and crypt and ETC were well under way so I knew I had lost alot of time, and that the time for just a normal crypt/gy/altar strat was over. I knew it was tiem for rash decisions and new play-styles. I Rushed my aco the the edge of his blight(creep, if you will) and placed 2 ziggarauts there, hoping he could not see out that far/wouldn't notice them. Back at home I had already started my crypt and Graveyard, and had gotten the 5 other aco's mining.
MIDDLE!! CENTER? NO NO, DEFINITELY MIDDLE.
The Ziggs were, maybe by an act of god, maybe by my opponents sheer stupidity UNNOTICED, so as they were both completed I took advantage of the creep they had created and built 2 more Ziggs behind them. The first 2 ziggs turn edinto Spirit towers rather quickly, and At this point I was not only laughing my ass of but also contemplating as to whether turn this in as a report or Replay. I decided on a report since I need the typing practice and nobody watches the replays. My base had just gotten its 3 ghouls for harvesting and I decided to put the Altar at my opponents base for Fast revival and because I like the idea of mass invasion. I also Started a new graveyard on my opponents side, and as the 2 other ziggs were finished I turned them into a spirit/nerubian towers and started another ziggaurat.
At this point the opponents ragtag army of a lich and 4 ghouls walked out of the base and proceeded south, only to be bombarded by my siege of towers. The force turned back immedeately, but not before one of the ghouls was finished off. the opponent Started shouting phrases like
OMG UD TOWER RUSH?? NOOB HAHAHAHAHA
And
OMG IM GONNA POWER OWN U SO BAD U LITTLE FUCKER HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!one ~ROFLMAO~!
I was discouraged at this comment, as I would liked to have been the first ever succesful UD tower rusher, so I decided to tech to tier 2 and get some meat wagons for my towers right away. My hero (Crypt lord) popped out and proceeded to make 5 beetles from the newly created graveyard, which was now occupied by my 3 ghouls(I was hoping to steal his recources MWAHAHA) and a total of 5 Upgraded ziggs, (4 spirit/1 nerub)
I added another tower at the front of the base and rushed at my opponent with my beetles and hero. The force was met with 7+ ghouls, and I retreated almost immedeatly, followed closely by the undead horde and several racially intense comments. I was sick of the insults bestowed upon me by everybody (especially the random racial ones, I am not a “nigger”, Im not even black.) So I decided to do something I rarely do: Respond to my opponent –BEFORE- My victory was assured. I had little experience in this field, so I proceeded to quote famous movie lines at him, such as “YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH” and “AHL BE BAHK”, to which my inept friend responded with stunned silence. He followed me out to my base, up until the moment where he was bombarded with spirit-fire, at which point he ran back to his hideaway and spammed me with more low-brow comments(MOFO, NOOB, CHEESE WHORE. CHEESE WHORE?! ARE YOU INSINUATING THAT THIS STRAT IS WIDELY USED AND IMBALANCED?)
I Built more ziggs closer to his base and set up 2 slaugther houses next to my Wood harvesting ghouls (WHY do the slaughter houses look like those swing rides where they strap you in and spin you around really fast? IS blizzard trying to say something?) I crept around with my hero to pick up some xp and get some items, and was rewarded with the ever-so popular wand of lightning shield, which, unbeknownst to me, would play a key role in this game. (OMG BBQ REALLY? No. That was a lie. I lie a lot. Get used to it.)
THE QUICK AND GRUESOME END
By this time my ziggs could already see into his base, and it was just a matter of minutes before they would open fire upon his Tomb of relics and other buildings. I sat back in my chair and sipped my Bacardi (OK FINE IT WAS SOME COGNAK, YAH HaPPY? NO, REALLY IT WAS! FINE FINE FINE... ) ---I sat back in my chair and sipped my HEINIKEN and all but declared another great victory for myself when suddenly, out of the blue (base, that is) Come rolling 7 meatwagons accompanied by a horde of ghouls. My hero, who at this time was also indluging in the consumption of alcaholic beverages, was too far from the towers to do any good, and although my 3 ghouls fought back valiantly, they were no match for the GOSU SKILLZ of more then 3 ghouls and were erradicated. I despaired, since at this moment he had an army, and I had none! I Thought quickly and decided to expo as fast as I could, followed by a tech to teir 3 and another crypt.
Minutes passed, and still the opponent would not attack me; My awesome hero was now a mighty level 5, and my expo was up and running. The crypts were pumping Gargs like no tomorrow, and things were getting back on track for me. I was just about to pop open a new beer when the invasion came. My base was assaulted by the previous meatwagons, 10 or so ghouls, and 4 Destros! My gargs took the would-be heavy air out in a pinch, and proceeded to nuke the everloving shit out of the meatwagons. But alas, they were not quick enough, and by the time the last of the great machines fell, my base was all but gone. The ghouls finished up my acos and ran back to their hidey hole, while I sat there, alone with my expo, 12 gargs, and my hero (the beetles having died in the battle of expo-hill).
Soo.. You're fucked?
Well I certainly thought so, as my opponent showed no signs of surrender, and was instead molesting me with random insults about How I suck and etc. I Knew I only had one chance, and that was to fly to his base and try to mutilate (in my sort of spellcheck sort of read over phase of makign a report, I found that I had put the word ILLUMINATE here. WTF???) all of his buildings before he found my expo. I flew around back and took out his acos, then proceeded to work his Black citadel, at which point in T.P.ed even MORE ghouls and newly aquired fiends. I thought this was the end, as the gargs were slowly dragged down to the ground and devoured by the ghouls, when SUDDENLY, a glimmer of hope appeared. He started to Lag. I stared at the timer as the seconds ticked by, hoping against hope that they would fall to zero. 35,29,19,15,10,
3
2
1
I thought I would explode with joy as I hit the DROP PLAYER BUTTON.. Which dissapeared just as I clicked, and I ended up selecting his ever-mocking lich.
He stopped lagging at 1 SECOND!! What a cruel game the gods play! I Hoped he'd start to lag again, but alas, no dice. He cleared out my gargs with no problem and I towered up my expo and hoped for the best. I also cleared a new mine out and started pumping ghouls, hoping to fight quality with quantitiy. I made a good 12 ghouls when my First tower expo was discovered(from here on reffered to SiteA), and quickly left alone (due to the 9 spirit towers guarding those frail, frail acos). I continued pumping ghouls and got 5 of the level 3 beetles out, when Expo number 2 was hit.(SiteB)
The battle was long and hard (quite like some other things I know ;-) JK JK Get your mind out of the gutter jeez), and the mass ghoul micro was so intense that my computer started freezing up(Well, not so much freezing up, more like it dropped a couple of FPS). I was not doing well until I gave my hero a glance and saw what would-be my mystical savior: T3h WAND OF ELECTRICITY! OMG! I nuked his ghouls strategically and soon the battle was going in my favor. His many ghouls electrecuted his fragile fiends and their buddies, and when he ran at me to fry me as well the newly built zigg spirit towers nuked his ass and put an end to the voltage. This left me with my battered hero(lvl 8), 4 ghouls and 5 beetles, while he had 3 fiends and his lvl 7 lich. I persued him to his base and whacked away at the Black citadel, summoning new beetles from his Graveyard when mine fell(He had no towers so all that was nuking my beetles was the citadel itself). I had just destroyed his Citadel and started his crypts when suddenly he cried out
WAIT NOOO I CANT LOSE
I questioned him and he proceeded to tell me how "If he gets one more loss his clan will kick him out, since he wasn't a very good player." I Pondered his case as he pleaded and begged for forgiveness for his insults, and after about a minute of it I(FOR REASONS I EVEN NOW CANNOT FATHOM, MAYBE I WAS DRUNK, MAYBE I WAS {AND AM} STUPID) Withdrew my siege. I didin't quit the game, I didn't give him the win, I just got up and left. As my beetle-king waddled over to a near-by creep, I was once again hammered with Racialially tense insults and Innuendo about my mother.
I, turning about face, Asked him politely as to why the fuck he just sealed his own doom, and he stated I had given him enough time to win, "because he massed alot of units". I, curious to see what he could have mustered with most of his base missing, came back to find his base exactly the same, with the exception of several ghouls once again chopping lumber on the side. I annihilated his base and proceeded to troll for expos, when suddenly SiteA(mostly a main base now) Was hit by 10+ Siege wagons, as well as several abominations and necromancers. I swore really hard, and was just about to hit QUIT GAME U N00B when suddenly, the lag screen came back. I didn't think much of it, as I knew how it enjoyed taunting me, but since I was forced to wait for it to stop lagging to admit my surrender I thought I might as well enjoy it. Onlythis time it got to second one and then SWITCHED THE BUTTON ON I, overjoyed, hit the button and claimed my unrightful victory.
I came back to the peon hall channel and proceeded to tell my tale of the UD tower rush, when once again I was spammed by words like NOOB and OMG U SUCK SO BAD, this time in a nice limey colored font. I paid no heed to it, and just squelched the bastard. GG no RE. IF you're wondering why his name hasn't apparead on this BR, wonder no further. I didn't want to give it away. I am being a gentleman. OR AM I???.....
ChalupaMaster
This has been report #3(PLZ delete the FAKE weird starcraft copy thing) by the masterfully-inept Lord_AAY. They have been getting steadily better, and maybe, just maybe, one day will feature ACTUAL battle scenes and such. If someone could please tell me how to chance the .tga files into pictures, I'd be very happy. Thx for your time.(And yes I tried clicking on it and opening it in Adobe, I tried opening it with MS paint, and I tried just changign the tag from .tga to .bmp. Nothing.) CYA LATER
All Images Copyright of Blizzard Entertainment, and All subsidiares/owners of the company.
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