The Mountain Kings Quest

As I begin the tale of a mountain king, out for glory and sandwiches, I discover it is necessary to explain something of this tale. Once, in the mists of lore and legend, there was a mountain king. This mighty warrior was named Bobacus. Bobacus was a fabled warrior, his deeds nearly legendary.

Bobacus was a mighty warrior, yes, but he lacked something in his life. He lacked SANDWICH. For all his life. Bobacus had yearned for this rare food. Delicacy of kings! Bedding of princes! He lusted after its bready goodness.

Finally, he could restrain himself no more. Donning his aged armor, hefting his notched axe and dented hammer, he set out to seize a rare, delicious sandwich.

Soon after leaving home, Bobacus is molested by gnolls. Their long, stringy testical hairs dangling, they wielded their balls-on-sticks with deadly skill. But Bobacus would not be deterred. Roaring a battle cry to sandwiches everywhere, he charged into combat.

Bobacus made short work of the gnolls, his yearning for the wholesome goodness of a sandwich bolstering his resolve, driving him in his quest for the trifecta of perfection: bread, unspecified meat, and what you hope is mayonnaise.

But the world is not a safe place for sandwich lovers. While tracking down rumors of a sandwich-making tribe of women living deep in the Amazon, Bobacus is attacked by gigantic dinosaurs. One attempts to bite his arm, while the other tastes the cold steel of his hammer.

After a long battle, Bobacus stands triumphant over his foes, brain matter slowly oozing down his hammer.

Stories of the Amazons rich history of sandwich making proving false, Bobacus heads west, searching for the river which leads to SAMMICH land, which is thought to have large deposits of sandwich lying untapped. He attempts to hire a boat, but is accosted by a burly naga, who is desperate to find a sandwich for himself. Sparks fly as Bobacus roars a battle cry.

His foe defeated, Bobacus heads for SAMMICH land.

Upon his arrival, Bobacus is immediately offered life insurance, penis enlargement pills, and begged to help a Nigerian woman whose husband recently died move her massive wealth to America.

Fending the chatterboxes off, Bobacus sets out to discover where a sandwich might be found.

At long last, a friendly innkeeper tells him of a lich who stores rare items, including a sandwich. Ignoring the mans warnings, he sets out.

Upon arrival at the massive citadel of the Lich, Bobacus is attacked by foul creatures. Beset on all sides, he once again roars out his devotion to sandwiches, and sets about with his powerful weapons.

At last, the animated corpses are reduced to mere corpses, and Bobacus strides into the mystic portal that leads directly to the Lich. Which is very convenient.

At long last, Bobacus comes against his arch-foe, nemesis of many.. hours? Fiery determination gleaming from his eyes, he strikes out at the Lich, determined to claim the wondrous sandwich.

For many long days, the two mighty foes battle back and forth. Powerful magic blasts into the dwarf from the liches hands, chilling him to the bone. Thunderous cracks ring through the air as Bobacus lands mighty blows into the liches bones. The two foes fight ceaselessly, tirelessly. And then Bobacus wins, because this is heroic fiction.

His foe defeated, Bobcus begins to search the fortress, determined to find the sandwich hidden within. Stumbling across another portal, he is whisked into a strange new place... Where he is ATTACKED BY RABID RACOONS!

Their teeth ripping into his leg, Bobacus desperately strikes back, smashing his hammer into the ground, and doing something neat that kills all the racoons.

Searching the area, Bobacus discovered a hidden rock. Peering under he found... A SANDWICH! Wresting it from its hiding place, he quickly set up camp, hands shaking at the thought of biting into its tender bread, delicious meats, and cold mayonnaise.

As he prepares to eat his delicious reward... nothing happens. He eats the sandwich, and it is Good.

THE END.

Well, this ends my first battlereport! Let me know what you thing in the comments, and be nice, because Im sensative. Err, I meant assholeish. Mad Propz to The Smith for being incredibly nifty. Even more Propz to Ling, whose CSS I so shamelessly stole.