Sexual Healing B.Net Style

Warning! This battle report has been rated R by the AAMD and is not suitable for persons under the age of 18. Of course the only people reading this will be under 18, so what the hell. Enjoy. Seriously though, this report features foul language, sexual referneces, and scenes of rare Muta sex. So if this offends you go read someon else's report.

Now on to the good stuff...

I was sitting alone at home when I felt the familiar poke of a good ol' fashioned erection. Now what could possibly be getting me so excited? Why some hot Battle net action, that's what.

It all started off in the usual way, I was dicking around in nohunters looking for a good 2v2 match, when I see the first prey of the day. Some looser trying to start a clan on B.net.

-No. That's not cool budy.


Now nothing gets me excited like some hot 2n2 action B.Net style (expcept for maybe some hot 1n1 action Jenna Jammeson style!). So I figure maybe I'll take on clan boy (see above). Unfortunetly he turns me down. Oh well, his loss. But wait! What is this? Someone making a 2n2 challenge on Nohunters? Well count me in! Unfortunetly I get teamed up with some guy named "master-bates", not a good sign, but I ignore it thinking maybe its a sign of his extreme social maladjustion.

-Nothing like a good team. D-Hard, and Master-Bates? Could this be fate?

I have to download some map called "bettern than BGH", sounds like the kind of crap some kid made up in 5 mins. We finnaly get into the game.

Im (d-Hard)  in the BR corner as RED TOSS, my partner Master-Bates is in the Left as GREEN ZERG, our enemies ((___Darkness___)) and Cojo! are in the TL and MR as BROWN TOSS and BLUE TERRAN respectively. The hotly contested parts are in purple. Please exuse my graphical skills. They are about as good as my HTML skills, so that should tell you something.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!

Me and Bates start off with the basic 2n2 build for TOSS and zerg. I make a joke about how together we could do some "Hard" "master-Bating" but he doesn't respond. Could it be he doesn't find my perverted sense of humour entertaining? I quickly scout with my 8th probe (after planting a pylon) and find Cojo! right above me. I'm thinking hard zealots follwed by a cold beer and a jaunt down to persiankitty.com, but no, it was not to be. My first Zeal out the gate was looking pretty cool with his PsiBlades ready to drink some Terran blood, so I send him in right away. He is killed thanks to some quick Marine "dancing" with his SCV's getting in my way. Apparently I'm going to have my work cut out for me. I start teching like the whore I am, while I try to convince Bates to send in some hydras. He groups his hydras in the middle, when they start forming an anal train! I took a screen shot, shown below.

This was getting me excited, so I decided to do a reaver and templar drop on BLUE. The other team had been basically silent the whole game, other than a shuttle that I mind controled, trying to get into my base. Unfortunetely it only had 2 reavers in it. Oh well, two more for me. I manage to kill a couple of SCV's with some storms, while my reavers get raped by BROWN's scouts. I mind control one of BATES drones, since he wasn't doing much anyways. I managed to amass a horde of mutas and hydras while expanding twice.

I'm thinking to myself, maybe the time to kick some ass, and have a brewskie has come, but alas it was not to be. Blue had not been idle. The Terran bitch had built an army of about 12 tanks, with 24 gaurdians, and they were knocking at my front door! Luckily he lacked detection, so the 4 D-Temps I had were enough to persuade him to back up to his choke. Now I was pissed, and oddly aroused. I told my partner BATES to distract them while I built carriers. I had observers in BLUE's base, and I foiund his only science center dedicated to making Battle Cruisers! This meant no Ghosts. This was good news for me and my carriers








. Here is a screen shot of my extreme MACRO techniques.

Bates begun a series of suicide hydra and ling attacks into the massed tanks outside blue. BROWN decided to help out and sent in his army. Now this whole time we had been ignoring BROWN, and suprise suprise, here he comes in with 16 carriers! This is gonna hurt I warn BATES, but then BATES starts micro'ing his scourges like there's no tomorrow! It's insane, he took down 8 carriers right off the bat! I have included a screenshot to witness this amazing piece of SC skill.

How not to defend against Scourge

With that move I found myself fully erect due to the intensity of the battle and the mad skillz involved. I plowed into BLUE's base with my highly erotic fleet of carriers, accompanied by some corsairs and scouts. At the same time BATES started attacking the tanks and gaurdians at the choke with defilers and gaurdians. Plauged gaurdians explode like hot popcorn, and tanks, well when the air support is gone tanks dont fare too well. BROWN thought to stop the slaughter by sending in his remaining carriers, but I got them with 2 statis fileds, with my nearby ARBITER. The battle was hot, and I was horny, so I missed the screenshot of my pal BATES taking out the remains of the terran army. When BROWN was unfrozen he scurried back to his base, while I taunted him with lines from the Matrix.

D-Hard: Do you hear that Mr. Anderson?
((___Darkness___)): Shut up you cheap son of a bitch.
D-Hard: That is the sound of inevitability.
Apparently he wasn't too impresed. Either that or he missed out on the Matrix. While this Smack-Talk was going on I finished off BLUE and brought the two halves of my carrier fleet to the right and the bottom of BROWN. He foolishly figured that a sea of cannons would protect him, but I D-Web'd most of them and attacked from both sides at once. BATES used scourges to great effect as I pummeled on BROWN. See below.

At this point he started begging for ALLY, which at that point I told him

D-Hard: Sure, as soon as I finnish wipping out your base.
((___Darkness___)): Fuck You.
D-Hard: Time to die Mr. Anderson
By now my erection had died down to a semi, as the action was starting to wear thin. That's when I noticed the fighters from my carriers talking to each other. See the pic below!
What fighters really think about

Finnaly I drove the final stake into BROWN's grave. It was a hard fought battle. It was an intense battle, and it was one hell of a horny battle, but at last my sexual healing at the hands of Battle.Net was complete. As GG's were tossed back and forth between me and Master-Bates, I asked him
D-Hard: What do you figure the most embarrising moment possible would be?
Master-Bates: I don't know, finding out your dad is a women?
D-Hard: I think it would be masterbating to gay porn, right as your friends family and co-workers burst in and yell "Suprise"!
Master-Bates: Yeah I guess that about take's the cake.
D-Hard: GG
Master-Bates: GG
This is my first and probably my last battle report. Damn these things take a long time. Unless you guys really want me to write another one. Oh and for those of you who couldn't figure it out, this report is a complete joke. The game actually did take place, and the comments are for real, but unfortunetely the SC didn't really turn me on, (I wish! Maybe that would justify the insane amount of time I waste playing this game!) and no I don't take myself seriously. Have fun, and remeber this report is not for minors!

The O

A.K.A D-HARD