| "How much do you think anathema is paying T_mac to be on his team?" - ++falcon++
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| The ROBOT WARS War of Independence... | | | Author: | | | IP: | frazers.XXXX | | Date: | 12/31/00 01:12 | | Game Type: | Other | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 4, Min: 4
Lifetime Rating for Robert Frazer: 6.7273 |  |
NOTE: I'm afraid that this battlereport has no exciting in game pictures as I didn't have a camera at the time of watching the paticular Robot Wars fight, and besides, photos of televisions are very fuzzy anyway. I'm afraid all I have is some pictures that I stole from the Robot Wars website to break up the text... but it's better than nowt, right? Right?
(deadly silence)
Ah, bugger you all.
THE ROBOT WARS WAR OF INDEPENDENCE
I have a theorey about the conception of the bad old United States of America. When Britain settled North America, there were a lot of idiots in Britain. Think of all those rolling plains and craggy mountains- so much space! We promptly ferried off all of our idiots into the New World. When the Americans decided to break off from the Empire, we said "Go on! bugger off! We don't want you anymore anyway!" and lost the War of Independence intentionally. When you look at all the stupid things the Americans have done over the course of history (like Hiroshima, your latest Presedential election, and suing your neighbors as their dogs have relieved themselves on your lawn) it doesn't take a D.Phil. in advanced Quantam Mechanical Theroey to think that this may have a little inkling of truth in it.
All this aside, the War of Independence has been re-fought using logic and volume for the past 200 years.
Robot Wars, the programme where metal monsters go head to head for no pupose other than carnage was introduced to Britain four years ago, and has since then become very popular. Here is the perfect battlefield.
But now the time has come... to truly show our dominance over the misguided USA... to finally reassert our rule and crush all who dare oppose Britain!
The antagonists: Britain (yaaayyyyyyyyy!) - The USA (booooo!)
The Warriors: eight of the meanest metal maniacs to slide across the arena floor!
The Battlefield: LOST TEMPLE!!!!!! nah, not really- THE BBC SOUND STAGE!
Enough chit-chat...
LET THE WARS BEGIN!!!!!!
ROUND 1
Britain - USA
Mortis - Ghetto-bot
Panic Attack - Rammtron
Ming II - Mangalator
Detonator - Frenzy
MORTIS vs. GHETTO-BOT
Britain went off to a flying start, as this was easily one of the most one-sided battles in the war. Ghetto-bot had no weapons at all, and it fell easy prey to Mortis' rapid-strike pickaxe. In no time at all G-B's top was perforated more times than a piece of swiss cheese. Mortis also had a much stronger engine than G-B, and easily bulldozed G-B onto the flame grill. Roasted cables anyone?
Britain 1 - USA 0
PANIC ATTACK vs. RAMMTRON
Now Panic Attack was the winner of the second UK Robot War, and so had a fair bit of experience under their belt, whilst Rammtron, from Miami, was a newcomer. However, it was very nippy and did have a spike that could punch through armour. Its wheels also reached the top and bottom, meaning that it could run upside down. Panic Attack attempted to flip Rammtron with its flipper spikes, but Rammtron escaped because of its handy feature. RAmmtron then proceeded to repeatedly ram Panic Attack, but Panic Attack's spikes got in the way of Rammtron's weapon, so its frontal assaults were ineffective. Eventually, the infuriated Rammtron revved up and drove so fast it went ON TOP OF Panic Attack! Helpless, it was just the simple matter of Panic Attack driving up to and toppling Rammtron into the Pit. Boom.
Britain 2 - USA 0
MING II vs. MANGOLATOR
Let me get this straight, first. Hashed together in three days, Mangolator was a CRAP robot. It was one of those two-wheeled affairs that roll around like drunkards with a useless flail on their axle. Ming II, however, was the classic wedge shape and leapt into the fray, smashing Mangalator about the Arena. Mangalator had no stopping power, and it had to be at a standstill to spin to use its flail effectively. A decent charge from Ming and WHACK!... Mangalator's wheel came off!!! Disabled, Managalator was left to the mercies of the House Robots (Sir Killalot, Sergeant Bash, Shunt, Dead Metal, and Matilda) and promptly ripped apart.
Britain 3 - USA 0
DETONATOR vs. FRENZEY
I must be honest, I was worried about Britain's chances in this one. Detonator had been in the first obot War, and it hadn't even got off the starting block in the first trial!!! It's only weapon was a sharpened pole at one end of it. Frenzy on the other hand was armed with a powerful axe and was circular, so any hits that Detonator would manage to connect would simply slide off. My fears came true, much to my dissapointment, and Detonator's domed head rapidly became a new flavour of Pizza whilst Frenzey didn't sudffer a scratch. In Detonator's favour, Frenzy's axce did get stuck on the arena florr, but Matilda (grrrrrr..... bloody Yankophile) kindly flicked it off with her tusks before Detonator (already falling apart at the seams) could capaitalise on it.
Britain 3 - USA 1
Now, it's fairly obvious that Britain are dishing out the damage here. However, because we Brits are fair, in the second round we'd also pit our robots against each other so that we'd have an overall winner and not just a country win. Aren't we bighearted or what?
ROUND 2
PANIC ATTACK vs. MORTIS
This would be a bitter grudge match, as Panic Attack and Mortis had faced off in the Wars before (in case you want to know, Panic Attack became the victor then.). The battle was very close, with both robots spilling all over the arena, condstantly ramming into and bouncing off one another. Panic Attack managed to push Mortis into the Corner Patrol Zone manned by Killalot (!!!) and as a result a fair portion of Mortis' rear armour was shorn off by Killalot's deadly claw. Mortis struggled free, however, and went back on the offensive. Panic Attack accepted the challenge, charged in... and his flipper spikes became stuck UNDER Mortis! Panic Attack was now trapped, and his front became marmalised by repeated blows of Mortis' pickaxe. The battle was closely-fought, and it went to the judges to decide who won. In the end, mortis won by ONE point in the scores awarded for style, control, damage, and agression!
MING II vs. FRENZEY
"Go on, my son!" I cried. "Kick Johnny foreigner!" If Ming II won this, all American resistance would be crushed and a British robot bound to win. Ming, eager to taste oil, revved up, charged in, and slammed into Frenzey. In return, Frenzy struck out at Ming, but his axe blow didn't seem to do any damage! the cowardly robot retreated in the face of Britain's righteous wrath... but it never came :~(. Frenzy had hit Ming in its most vunerable spot... THE OFF SWITCH?!
THE FINAL
This was it. National pride was at stake. There could be only one. 200 years of misdeeds would hinge on this...
MORTIS vs. FRENZEY
Both robots were locked together in a sumo-wrestler embrace of death. Their axes flailed repeatedly, but boh robots had very tough armour and the blows had little effect. Mortis' wedge shape and lifting arm meant that he flipped over Frenzy several times (once into the CPZ manned by Dead Metal, and Frenzy was nicked by his circular saw.), but Frenzy used his axe as a self-righting mechanism and went back into the fight each time. The battle of attrition continued, but then Mortis swung his axe, and it connected in the space between the axe and armour of Frenzy...
Frenzy's weapon was destroyed! The servo was ruined! With its weapon gone, Frenzy was a sitting duck and Mortis tortured it mercilessly, smashing it about the arena, into wall flamethrowers, the grip of the House Robots, and finally dragging the battered mettalic corpse of the US war effort to the arena Flipper and booting it off into space.
BRITAIN WINS THE WAR OF INDEPENDENCE! THE UNION JACK FLIES OVER THE USA! HORRRRAAAYYYYY!!!!!
There was plenty of carnage on the battlefield, but all contestants played fairly and sportsmanlike, making it a fun contest. Frenzy showed a lot of promise (unlike all the other US robots which were crap) but it relied too heavily on its weapon and had no contingency pan or design feature if things went wrong. The best robots certainly won, and overall it was a fun hour in front of the telly. GG all!!!!
-Robert Frazer-
"MORE than human, freebirth, and BETTER" |
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