A Little Fun With Clan Tryouts

Disclaimer: if you are looking for strategy tips, Please read another report. You won't find any here.

I was staring at the join game screen when I came upon a game entitled "1v1+I watch {sw} clan tryouts". For some reason I got the urge to join it. I was unfortunately in my main account "lordofdecay", so I just joined and quit, with the plan to switch over to one of my smurf names. Of course I did join the game for a second and the game creator saw my name and record (which happened to be fairly impressive).

Game one

I quickly quit and logged on as comBStompER, a name I usually reserve for backstabbing. I quickly hit join game, and thanks to the features of 1.08, the name of the last joined game stays in memory, so all I had to hit was enter. I hoped the game was still there, and indeed it was. The clan recruiter, a guy called {sw}''gotmilk'' told me the rules. I was supposed to ally with him, share vision and let him watch. If I won the game I would be allowed to join his clan. My original plan was to kill the other guy and backstab {sw}''gotmilk''. Of course things didn't go according to plan. The other guy who joined this observed 1v1 happened to be quite a skilled player by the name of [8318]J. Our battle field would be the map Cyclone, one I didn't know very well. As it happened to be, [8318]J was some expert who happened to be smurfing. Well suffice to say, I put up a good fight but in the end was overrun by the forces of the Zerg swarm. It was a good game, though somehow getting my ass beat down by a hydra rush wasn't exactly what I had in mind for this game.
Due to my playing skill, despite my loss, gotmilk said he would let us both into the clan. Of course, I really didn't care. I said "gg" to my expert opponent and left.

Plan B

Fortunately enough it appeared that [8318]J shared the same feeling I did about joining the {sw} clan (never did find out what sw stood for) and I noticed the same clan recruiting game was posted up there when I switched names again. This time I used the name "HellThorn", a name I usually use when I employ extroadinarily strange tactics like 4 SCV rushes and the like. It turned out this time that he had trouble getting me a partner so at first he was going to let me into the clan without a tryout. Of course I responded that it wouldn't be fair unless I had to tryout, after all, what clan doesn't at least test their potential members? "Whats the fun in that?", I argued. It was at this point I knew the clan totally sucked and I could have some real fun with them.
Since the idea of remaking the game was alien to him (perhaps he didn't think I would come back), he called one of his fellow clan members, a guy by the name of {sw}scottramon to play me. Now at this point I was expecting an easy win. But what happened in the next game had me laughing my ass off.

The Worst Game Of Starcraft Ever

So once again it was the same deal, gotmilk was going to observe the game and I would face off against scott. Little did I know fate had dealt me a completely different hand this game. For as I faced an expert last game, this time I was to face a total moron. I sent out my mining probe to scout after my pylon on 8. I found my opponent pretty easily at the bottom right corner. The map was power lines, I was at the top right position and my opponent was at the bottom right. I scouted down correctly and found that he was terran. He had a whole 5 scvs at his base. One had just finished a supply depot and was just reviewing his handywork when my probe arrived. I targetted the SCV with my probe and started attacking. Much to my surprise it just stood there and didn't attack back. Now everyone who knows anything about worker AI knows that a stationary worker automatically attacks back when an enemy comes near. Unless of course its controller happens to be allied to you. And thats exactly what happened. Scott happened to be allied to me, and I found that the probe's weak particle beam attack was quite effective when the target didnt attack back.
Well it didn't end there. Fired up after my easy kill, I rushed in to his worker line, targetting another SCV. the SCV stopped mining and stood there apparently thinking about attacking. Of course, scott was still allied and the SCV stood there taking the full brunt of my attack. Well, halfway through his SCV's demise, he figured out what the problem was and switched off ally. His SCV started attacking back. Not soon enough because my probe still had enough of a life advantage to win the fight. His SCV blew up in short order.
Pushing my luck a bit, I attacked the next SCV. There were 3 remaining now, all of them mining. The SCV ran away from the mineral line and started building a rax. While the worker constructing the building might have been safe in warcraft, it's not the case in SC. My probe followed his SC which was now at about half hp around the barracks as it built, merrily chipping away with its particle beam. Another one bites the dust.
Back to the mineral line I went, hoping for another kill.
Now he was starting to get smart, and he ordered both of his remaining SCVs to attack my probe. Of course I turned and ran and let him chase me a bit. He gave it up after a second and came up with a new stroke of brilliant strategy. One SCV went back to mining, the other chased me for a while, then went to try to finish his 1/4 built rax. Well guess what happened next? My probe circled around for its 4th kill on the builder. Now things were starting to look bad for poor scott.
Realizing he NEEDED that barracks, he sent his last SCV to try to finish it. Also to my surprise, he decided that his work force was a bit too small and started his CC building another SCV. My probe rushed the SCV working on the rax. Now in the middle of my attack, his new SCV tried to get my probe but I danced around him and picked off the latest builder SCV.
Now at this point, his new SCV was pissed off and determined not to end up with a fate like the others. It rushed my probe with reckless abandon. My probe was a bit too smart though, and seeing as how my first zealot was almost there, the probe backed off and allowed psiblades to do their work.
It was then that gotmilk proclaimed that I had successfully passed the tryout into the clan. Of course he wasn't too pleased that I wasn't overjoyed. I instead remarked "your clan sucks, You lost to a probe". Of course they started getting pissed off as I told them how bad they were. It was then that Gotmilk challenged me to a 2v1. I said "sure as long as its a team melee and I choose the map". Well, they agreed to my terms and the fools actually made the team game. I picked Lost Temple btw.

Are Two Heads Better Than One?

Well, now it was the time to confront the full fury of the {sw} clan, as I now faced them both in a team melee. I landed at 12 and they landed at 9. My primary race was terran, and their primary was toss. They tried again to recruit me saying "if you win this, you can join the clan". Which I responded, "Im only going to join if you guys can beat me, I aint joining any clan that I can beat 2v1". They then proceeded to tell me that it was their clan and they could admit who they wanted. They told me I "had to join" if I beat them. Once again sending some insults, I got the message across this time.
Realizing they couldn't trick me into joining their clan they decided to play their hardest.
Now I don't think these guys had ever even heard of a mech build because they were very surprised when I hit them with a quick vulture drop. They had all zealots (about 4) at this point, except for one goon. It seems that between the two of them, they decided that more than 5 workers would be required for the task at hand, and their mineral patch had about 10-12 workers in it. However, my vultures were soon to change that. I picked off almost all of their workers and picked up my vults before he could get to them. I could have taken the zeals easy but they had managed to produce a goon so I left. I then proceeded to a frontal harassment with vults and finally run them over with tanks. Once again I pointed out how badly they sucked. In response, they said that they were only "recruiters" and that the clan had better members and that the clan leader would kick my ass. Conveniently the "clan leader" wasn't logged on. They quit after they realized they couldn't counter 8 tanks with 1 goon and 4 lots.

Over Yet? I Think Not

Ok, time to switch names again. This time I took up the mantle of "The.Fiend" another of my backstabbing aliases. I joined in another one of their tryouts. I ended up against some pubbie opponent in a PvP matchup. The specifics arent too important but I ended up getting him with mass goons. After the game, I was ready to pull my backstab on gotmilk. Of course I was buying time till I could amass some scouts so I made idle conversation asking him about his clan. I'll paraphrase what was said, since I didnt take the time to get SShots unfortunately.
Me: "so, how big is your clan?"
gotmilk: "We have a lot of members 40 or so"
Me: "You got any big name players in your clan?"
gotmilk: "Yeah we got a few."
Me: "Oh yeah, like who?"
gotmilk: "lordofdecay is in our clan, hes got like 500 wins"
At this point I burst out laughing, and I knew how full of it this guy really was. What luck that he would claim I was in the clan. While all this was happening, I had amassed a force of 2 scouts (in case he tried to lift off) and a mass of goons. In proper poor observer fashion, his CC was still in place at the 9 spot. I moved my goons within range. and said "um lordofdecay isn't in your clan". He said something like "How do you know?". Of course my response was "BECAUSE I AM LORDOFDECAY YOU MORON". That commenced with the pressing of the ally button. And my goons opened fire on his command center. The backstab was successful at last.

The Newbie's Nightmare finally ends

Well, I was running out of smurf names. I decided to switch to lordofdecay again just to verbally abuse this guy for saying I was in his clan. I noticed however when I "/whois"ed him that he was in a simpsons vs southpark UMS game. I guess this guy had enough of clan recruiting. My work here was done.