"Carriers do kinda look like big flying hotdogs."
-Heartcutter
|
| The Suckiest Paintball BR Ever, But Read it Anyway... | | | Author: | | | IP: | h000094cXXXX | | Date: | 11/15/01 01:11 | | Game Type: | Other | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 7, Min: 7
Lifetime Rating for Squad: 7.0000 |  | Ahhh, yes, ohohohoho.. Do you know what time it is? Do you? Well, it’s too bad if you don’t, because it’s extremely funny. Tears come to my eyes thinking about it. God, I’m laughing so hard. Why do you ask? Because it’s time for another Squad PAINTBALL BR! Ahaha. It’s SO FUNNY ISN’T IT?!?!?! Wait…It isn’t? Fine then, you bastard, enjoy my hard work then.
Hello hello, this is Squad. Another shitty text-only coming your way because I can’t get my Microsoft paint to fucking work (BILL GATES WILL BE MY BITCH SOON!), but until I can form a devious and despicable plan to capture my nemesis however, I feel obliged to give this report to you entitled:
The BATTLE FOR THE LOST…THE LOST.. umm…what was lost again? Erm…ok, that’s going no where. Let’s just call it:
The Super Duper Paintball BR
OK! So, now we move onto the setup for my little escapade.
Another bleary Thursday. Evil, because it’s one day before Friday. But wait! I have only a half-day of school (forgot to check the calendar, someone told me at school)! Absolute sweetness…So I gather up a few of my friends (yes, I have friends asshole), and we decide to go to the local paintball place.
The Setting:
Paintball Madness: the local place, about 20 miles away from my house. It’s also about 10 miles from an army base, and they use the field as a training area sometimes or sometimes just to kick some ass. You know what that means…I brought four of my friends along, making a total of five, including myself. This will be fun, as we have all been paintballing at least five times each. We were dropped off, and we found our opposition, and allies:
10 army guys, 7 pros, and two other…guys.
Description of the players:
Army guys: I have played army guys before, but they had all been privates (haha..”Privates”…it sucks to be in the army at a low rank). These guys, judging by their character, are officers. I personally feel that officers would be somewhat tougher than a private, but I’m not in the army, so I wouldn’t know.
Pros: They all have these 200-dollar guns (cough, add another zero on the end). They also have 10-dollar balls. I mean, each ball is worth 10 dollars. I don’t see the point of that, as the balls are going to burst anyway…
Including Us, and the two, dudes..: We are the coolest, most badass people there. When we tell the army guys to jump, they respond with a “How high, sir?” When we tell the pros to do 20 pushups, they do 50. That’s how tough we are. We also like rainbows, and puppies, and horsies, and HUGS. I personally like bananas, but that is just me…
We went into the shop to rent our guns. Pump action shit bag. I also rented a glass defogger, they cloud up really quick when you get hot. I also rented some camouflaged sweats, that way I won’t die in .11111119 seconds running along the field ( I’ll get hit in 2 seconds instead (= ).
We went outside, and selected our field. We are going to be playing Capture the Flag. Here is the Description of the Field:
This is basically a giant sand field. It’s about 100 by 100 meters, with bunkers at each end. Throughout the field, there are pillars, some standing, some fallen over. There are also two randomly placed bunkers with two levels to them about 30 yards or so away from the opposing bunkers. As many of you may know, sand is one, if not the most, hardest types of terrain to run on, although it does offer great protection against paintballs. There is about a 10-mph wind out, and the sand is swirling around, making it hard to see anything.
Now that the basics are out of the way, let’s move onto the match!
We have been separated into two teams: 5 army guys, 4 pros, myself, and two of my friends (Jack, and Stephen). The other team is composed of 5 army guys, 3 pros, the two dudes, and 2 of my friends (whom I won’t bother naming). All of us are dressed in fatigues, which don’t match the sand at all, but once we got started, the continuous diving into the sand dirtied up the uniforms enough to somewhat match our surroundings.
We started on the south side of the field, with our opposing team in the north. We are, for the purpose of actually lacking team names, the…
PENIS’
The other team is the…
ANAL SPHINCTERS
They are going to get anally raped in more ways than one.
We start out by having several of our squad head out on the left (4). Several also head out on the right (4). Only two of us go up the middle, and two are left to guard the flag. The other team seems content to flow out close to their original bunker, taking their second bunker, and also taking the pillars spread out close to their base. It will be hard to assault.
I’m going up the middle with one of my friends (Steph), when a hail of paint rains down on us. I duck behind a pillar that was nearby, but Steph decides that being flat is an advantage, dives straight down onto the ground. Fortunately, the swirling sand prevented him from being easily tagged, and survived for the moment. I repeatedly fire back, but being unable to get out of cover for more than a second, I can’t aim well enough to hit anyone.
Because of this, I tell Steph to start crawling back swiftly, while I provide cover fire. When he is safely away, I decide to do something incredibly stupid…I decide to go
RAMBO!
As soon as they let up a bit, I charge out from my cover firing blindly at the pillar, this makes them duck down, and I escape to the right…only to come across a fierce firefight between our people and their people. We are behind pillars, while they’re in their second bunker. Caught in the middle, I duck down, but seeing me as an easy kill, they decide to use me as target practice. With paintballs bursting all around me, I decide that being flat isn’t enough, and start a hasty retreat to my side of the line.
Then I see something that makes my heart stop… a few Anal Sphinterets are going to flank us from the left. Pointing this out to the group, they decide that retreating is a good idea, and start running back to another pillar. I follow them, and decide that I’ve had enough action for right now, head for our second bunker.
When I arrive, I see that another person is occupying it. A girl. She must be a pro, because she isn’t wearing an army suit. She smiles as I jump in, sexy. But our escapades wouldn’t have lasted long, as the bunker came under fire about ten seconds after I jumped in. Trouble seems to follow me everywhere…=(
I take a quick peek and see three people with their guns pointing right at me, ready to unload (gay analogies, gay). I quickly duck back into the bunker, and tell the girl of our situation. She decides that the second level of the bunker would offer a better firing position, and asks me politely to provide some cover fire. Politely being, “GIVE ME SOME COVER FIRE WHILE I SAVE OUR ASSES PLEASE, THANKS”. So I decide that she isn’t something to mess with, and that she is definitely NOT going to my next school dance, I start firing at our opposition, making them duck for cover. She climbs to the top, giving me a nice look at her ass, and begins raining paintball destruction on our foes, making them retreat. Here’s what happened after the opposing players left:
Me: Great job.
Her: Shut up asshole.
Me: But I was just sayi—
Her: I said shut up bitch…
That was enough for me, so I decide that the front lines would be less dangerous than sticking with this girl, and head to left front line.
Dodging from pillar to pillar, I slowing come up to the front lines, only to see no one there. I start creeping up on their original bunker, but then some paint flies out from it, so I decide to back off the main fortification for a while. Heading over to the middle, I find another firefight, only we are winning this time. I see that I’m in a perfect position to flank, and do so. It’s time for the return of…
RAMBO SQUAD! THE SQUAD OF ONE.
CHARGE! I fly in with gun blazing, but my classy moves are denied, because I wasn’t smart enough to get out of range of the main bunker, and I was shot, but took 2 of their team with me.
Here’s an update on the status of our teams:
We seem to be winning. They only have a few scattered people around the field and in their bunker, while our team is massing for an assault on their main bunker. They have an advantage in numbers however. The have about 7 players left, while we have only 5. Our number is quickly cut to 4, as a shot from one of their forward guys takes down one of ours. Then our quick assault begins.
We charge their forward position, taking advantage of our surprise, we quickly take care of them. Then our assault on their main bunker begins. Charging the fortification, we lose another guy, but the other team’s men are quickly dealt with. Now a search for the flag begins. Running throughout the bunker, my teammates find it at the very back corner of the base. They quickly grab it, but laughter is heard behind them. They quickly about-face, and see a member of the other team clutching our flag.
WE FORGOT TO LEAVE SOMEONE TO GUARD THE FLAG!
Being so pissed, my teammates decide to put an end to the guy’s laughter, and shoot him about 10 times each, and leave him quivering and shaking on the ground in pain.
Justified? Maybe not. But helluva funny when I heard about it after.
So we lost the match. Gay? Yea. You want to know something very strange though? The girl who was in the bunker with me gave me her phone number. Shocked, but somewhat pleased, because she is very hot. So we took a break after the match, had a snack, and then we went home. Paintballing is a lot of fun, and I love doing it. Some of you may consider this report to suck. I feel the same way. There weren’t any pictures.
All in all however, I hope you enjoyed, but I find it hard to believe with my brand of messed up humor. L8R though |
|
|
|
Home
Forum
Starcraft Tournaments
