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"His strange mannerisms and inability to sustain an erection can be directly linked to the fact that he lives so damn close to Canada, but we won't hold that against him."
- mattzarella's The Pentagram Paradigm


An hour of war3, fixed
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Author:Blarg
IP:h00045a0XXXX
Date: 07/17/02 06:07
Game Type: Warcraft 3
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Report Rating: 8.0, # of Ratings: 1, Max: 8, Min: 8
Lifetime Rating for Blarg: 8.2105
Blarg presents:


     This was my last arranged game last night, played on Scorched Basin between myself (Blarg, chosen orc) and a chosen human named DoMpTy (or Dom as he shall be known, because his real name looks ugly in the midst of prose. ;)) I had just gotten 0wned beyond comprehension in Scorched Basin by a high level orc and I wasn't happy to see it again, especially against another high level, but I was determined to fight to the end even if it meant getting burned again. I spent an embarassing amount of time writing this report so I hope it was worth it.

Begin unnecessary third person narrative

     Blarg finds his green great hall at 6:00 left while Dom's purple town hall springs up at 12:00 right. Blarg builds burrows (farms), a barracks, peons, and an altar immediately with his starting guys while Dom mines gold and waits for new peasants to do the same build. Dom is aided by the extra gold and the cheapness of human buildings and he also gets more farms and a lumber mill. Both players summon a magical hero (farseer and archmage) and build meele units.


     Blarg starts madly constructing burrows for more grunts as his farseer emerges, and then a war mill when those are completed. The farseer casts feral spirit and scouts the map with wolves, discovering Dom's position without being seen. Both players go creeping at the same time. Dom's archmage moves left with six footmen while Blarg's farseer moves right with only three grunts.

     Dom's water elemental micro is considerably better than Blarg's with the wolves but they both lose one unit to the centaurs. Only Blarg has reinforcements queued since Dom's party is already large. The farseer waits for a few extra gunts and creeps up the right side of the map. Dom decides to cross over to the right side as well and fight his way down. Both players begin towering their main bases at this time.

     More horrible clicking by Blarg kills -all- his grunts in the next creep den and is forced to wait for new ones again. Dom has his keep upgrade and builds a blacksmith and a workshop while Blarg is still waiting for his stronghold. The hunting teams are moving toward one another but an early confrontation is averted when Dom's archmage walks up to the left side again and Blarg's farseer waits for more reinforcements. Blarg's stronghold is finished and he spends tons of cash summoning a powerful blademaster and expanding to 6:00 right.


     He also notices the empty creep dens and decides to check out the enemy base. Seeing towers, Blarg dispatches wolves to harass them while his farseer runs away. Dom's minimalist defense forces (Blarg has -no- defense forces... maybe they aren't that minimal) kill the wolves as he overreacts and town portals his hunting party back to the base. Seeing nothing, the archmage runs back to the last creep den to for a tome of greater experience, leveling up to 5 while Blarg's farseer is still stuck at level 3 and the blademaster hasn't even fought yet.

     Blarg feels complacent after sending in the wolves (he didn't see the army Dom ported in) and starts building a bestiary and expanding to the lower right corner just as his second hall is completed. He then goes creeping to the left with both heroes and - still - only three grunts. Dom has yet to expand, but he's upgrading to a castle and upgrading his weapons well beyond Blarg's. Blarg builds towers at the first expansion and discovers he wasn't a moment too soon.

     Having seen Blarg's wolves approach from the right, Dom attacks down that side running into Blarg's corner expansion under construction with a superior force of eight footmen and the archmage, plus three mortars. Blarg senses doom approaching and cancels the building, sending all (five) of his military units at the second expansion to defend it. The orcs are outnumbered and outleveled but then several things happen. Blarg's towers finish construction simultaneously, just as they are surrounded by footmen, body piercing everyone in sight. Dom casts a horribly-aimed blizzard that buries the rest of his footmen while doing minimal damage to the orcs. The archmage runs away with 50hp and Blarg briefly gives chase, but needs to return to base to kill the remaining mortars before they hurt something. The blademaster has been exploded down to 50hp as well.


     Now knowing his opponent has expansions and a second hero, Dom wastes no time in expanding to 12:00 left and summoning a paladin. Blarg builds a second bestiary and starts pumping out raiders like mad while one bestiary researches ensnare (which was never used, sadly.) Both know they must destroy the remaining creeps rather than risk giving up an advantage in levels and they both venture left with their entire armies, again at the same time. Blarg's hunting party demolishes some quillboars at 9:00 lower and then walks into 9:00 upper right behind Dom's as they engage a pack of centaurs.

     Blarg has the vastly inferior force, but trusts the horse guys to fight on his side and attacks. The clearing is sealed off by a solid wall of orcs, humans, and centaurs. Dom's archmage tries to escape but is eaten by wolves. The blademaster dies at the same time. Satisfied with the hero trade (not to mention getting his ass kicked,) Blarg's farseer town portals and joins up with the raiders left in reserve at the base and both players take a minute or two to think about strategy. Blarg upgrades to a fortress (finally) and expands to the lower left corner.

     Again, both players attack at once. Blarg's farseer and nine raiders move slowly up the left side as they check for expansions (wasn't he looking?) but Dom, overestimating Blarg's losses, launches his entire remaining army plus mortars down the right side to the 6:00 right expansion. The farseer walks to the expansion, joined by still more raiders and the blademaster is reincarnated just as he passes by. The carnage at the expansion is wickedly satisfying for the orcs as raiders match up against footmen and slaughter them. Dom's paladin manages to get himself encircled and dies under the blademaster's critical hit. For once Blarg repulses an invasion without killing off half his populace.


     After deliberating what to do for a while, Blarg towers the lower right corner, summons a tauren chief, builds a spirit lodge, and starts building wyverns and upgrading weapons, apparently not noticing that his first gold mine is about to collapse and make beast armies more difficult... Dom scouts with gyrocopters and tries to get cute with a gyro flying across the middle of the map but it gets crushed by harpies. :) Blarg foolishly goes on the offensive, sending his wolves to attack Dom's expansion. Not seeing any resistance, he charges forward with the remnants of his defensive force.

     Unfortuately, the wolves cause Dom to send all his remaining units to the defense of the expansion, including his newly revived and extremely pissed off archmage and a group of knights. The orc raiders find themselves against elementals and upgraded knights, also getting pummeled by guard towers, mortars, and a blizzard with much better aim. The slaughter is extremely quick. Everything on Blarg's side dies except the farseer, who summons wolves to distract everyone while he runs like hell back to base.


     Seeing a golden opportunity, Dom attacks while the wounds are fresh. He runs up against the left corner expansion and attempts to take out the towers with elementals. Remember those wyverns Blarg was building? Right now, so did he. The orcish wyverns rush to defend the expansion along with the tauren chief, farseer, and a few riders, killing everything and foiling the invasion. Blarg takes advantage of the lull by expanding to the lower right corner (again) and placing sentry wards throughout the map while Dom expands to the upper left corner. One of Blarg's witch doctors gets more of an eyeful than he planned when he runs straight into a human invasion force, this one including anti-air riflemen (nice response!)

     Blarg sends out his remaining defenders but a combination of prior damage, shitty microing, and Dom's well balanced attack wipes them out with only a few human casualties. Having seen how slowly Dom tends to attack his expansions, Blarg decides to sacrifice the corner expansion and build up his forces in the fog of war, covertly producing raiders and wyverns and relocating them to the front of his main base out of Dom's view. Peons frantically drag sacks of gold from the rock as the human lazily shells and elementals the towers into oblivion, then charges in for the kill.

     Blarg's remaining forces - raiders, wyverns, peons, everything - rush in behind the attackers. Several wyverns are brought down by the blizzard, but the orcs prevail. Only the archmage is left standing and he uses an artifact to escape with less than 20hp, only to die of wyvern venom in the protection of his own base. The expansion they had worked so hard to destroy had only 690gp left when the hall fell. Both players retreat again to rebuild their forces.


     Both of them have also lost the gold mines in their bases and first expansions and Blarg makes a risky move by moving peons from both for a double expansion at both 3:00 positions. The sentry wards pick up Dom's archmage attacking from the left again (doesn't this guy ever stay dead?) and Blarg, having suffered far more casualties in the last exchange, moves his remaining defenders up to meet them, although staying behind the towers would probably haved worked better. The humans are severely damaged, but still standing, whereas Blarg has been decimated. The farseer is killed by a knight with one hitpoint left due to a particularly bad misclick and Dom is free to ravage the town, again using water elementals to take out the towers.


     Blarg frantically casts stasis traps (the only time I've ever seen the damn things work) to slow the humans down while building up raiders. When a large party of raiders storms from behind the towers to kill one elemental, it's an effective show of force and the humans back down.

     Dom realizes he's being out-mined and is determined to put an end to it before he risks attacking Blarg's primary again, expanding to the 9:00 upper position. The workshop researches flares and Dom launches three, two in the lower corners and one at 3:00 lower. He then goes in for the quick kill on 3:00 (the only expansion without towers) with the archmage and a huge group of mortars, not bothering to check 3:00 upper or ever noticing that Blarg expanded to both positions. Blarg's farseer and raiders rush to the defense, killing the archmage and a few soldiers, but they all die, largely due to blizzards and mortar fire. Blarg sacrifices the expansion and builds more raiders, gathering them around his revived blademaster and hoping no humans wander northward.

     The mortar and rifle group arrives in the lower right corner but they are repulsed by raiders, again missing the 3:00 upper expansion on their way back. Dom wonders where the hell Blarg is getting all this gold and flares the lower left corner again, but there's nothing there. :)


     One of the sentry wards spots Dom's budding expansion at upper 9:00. After almost an hour on the defensive, Blarg finally launches an attack, leveling the hall and the towers still under construction with his blademaster and raiders, plus wyverns and the revived farseer. Dom's archmage rushes to the rescue but is quickly overwhelmed, leaving Dom with a single gold mine in the upper left corner. Following the destruction of the town hall, Blarg launches everything he has at the upper left. The carnage is incredible and both sides take heavy casualties but the orcs emerge victorious: the blademaster, a raider, and two wyverns hack the remaining peons to death as still more raiders and wyverns arrive from the base.


     Now with no source of income and seeing his opponent's war machine still firmly in gear, DoMpTy resigns. It was an honor and privilege playing him and I'm still not sure he wasn't just going easy. In any case, GG man. :)



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