"Psyonic_Reaver: It's getting harder for me to sleep as Blizzcon approaches. I wonder if this is what waiting for your wedding night feels like... The feeling of finally being able to get laid. That is how I feel right now. Mattzarella: For your sake I hope you don't blurt out 'For Aiur!' the first time you have sex." -Mattzarella/Psyonic_Reaver
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| StarCraft 4eva!!1 | | | Author: | | | IP: | adsl-66-XXXX | | Date: | 07/26/02 04:07 | | Game Type: | Starcraft | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 5, Min: 5 Lifetime Rating for Lieutenant: 4.0000 |  |
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Instead of my usual mad rhetoric for BR's I'm going to do somethin' a bit more normal; a non flame report. Don't worry, I'm still reporting on poorly played games (I'm in all of them). I understand this makes the banner about being a "Flame Report" a big fat lie but you don't see the whole picture from where you're standing right now. See, the deal is that I'm lazy.
This is a three part 2v2 series of me (under a semi-new account as One_Simulacrum) paired with random pubbies against HnR)ht and his alleged cohort MaRiNaGe. I found HT singing the blues spawned from a losing streak in WC3 and he came on down to bash newbies with "l33t BW skilLz". (apparently literally singing about a Barbie Doll living the good life was part of his healing process. I'll be the first to admit his views on "the blues" are strange and little bit exciting). Of course none of this has any direct effect on the BR, so you're really wasting time just by reading it. I'm going to keep typing just because I know there's some dumb motherfucker still reading this and I'm laughing hard at him. In fact, there's probly a shitload of you still thinking this is eventually going to lead somewhere and you're just so damn smart that you think you're going get the secrect info on what's really going down by continuing on. Well, fine, I'll let the cat out of the bag: get a life, homo. I told you to stop
reading and you're still reading. Honestly, I find nothing more disgusting than a stupid bitch who can't follow simple instructions. Hell, by now you're probly so offended that some faceless internet person is making fun of you you're halfway done imagining the uber flame you're going to get me with. Well, I'll let you in on another little secret: your penis is small and no woman will ever be pleased by it so you might as well stick to your bitmap images of nude women and violent Japanese cartoon porno, because that's as close as you're ever going to get to a real vagina. Unless you look in the mirror, but that's a dirrerent story altogether.
Game One
Map:
Neo Lost Temple
Playing for the Home Team:
HnR)ht (also HT/ht) randoming into the 3' at Zerg. As mentioned above, he's on some sort of seek-and-destroy mission to avenge his wounded pride by smashing helpless newbies. Hell, I would, too. I hate it when I lose to random nobodies, and I lose a lot. =\
MaRiNaGe (also Marine/marine) randoming in as Toss at the 6'. He's a new face to me so he's gets spared from my half-wit flaming by default. Other than the strange fact that he has ".High+Templar. is my hero" in his profile I know nothing about him.
Playing for the Away Team:
One_Simulacrum (also OS, me, or I) randoming in as Toss at 9'. I know me, and I know there's many things I could say about me, but seeing how I'm me and I don't like to flame myself I won't get flamed. Plus this was supposed to be a non-flame report. My br my rules, so suck it. =P
nOOOb. (also Nob) landing as possibly chosen Terran (can't remember) at the only position left. Ok, this guy is the definition of the bad random pubbie. I glanced at his record just so I'd have an idea how he'd be playing and was dumbfounded at first. Then as I picked my jaw off the keyboard I made the comment about it being spoofed in dire hope. No, with his skills it probly wasn't. 0-268-0. Wow.
Ok, now that that horrific part is done I think it's appropriate to tell a thing or two about the game itself. Early on every did their best to do a quick peon-clone with varying effect and HT's starting Overlord started it's frusteratingly slow drift towards the 6 main. I was bragging from the BroodWar USA-1000 chatroom well into the game about my skills just to spam and annoy but it seemed to have little effect. I continued to gloat over my team's soon-to-be-won victory despite the fact that everyone saw my partner's record. The random insults only got silence back from the mysterious Fog of War and I assume the enemies were plotting amungst themselves as to how to shut me up if I hadn't already been squelched. Time passed and the standard builds were imployed.
You Did What to Who in the Where Now?
Marine, who I had mistaken for HT because I had seen the yellow Ovie and assumed it was Marine's and that the Toss was HT's because he sucks with Zerg and somehow wouldn't allow himself to get Zerg, went with the strongest build of a double Gate/Pylon with plans to rush (if you got confused, haha, welcome to my world =I ). I, as the counter team Toss, went with the exact opposite of what should have happened because of my poor scouting skillz. I started with a Pylon and Gate-Assimilator-Cored in the hopes of out teching the enemy while praying they would both follow the infamous BGH fav norush20 rules for some reason. I was just a few seconds ahead of Marine and was able to squeeze a Zeal out around the time he got a scouting Probe and they danced their way down the
ramp, which surprised me a bit. I shrugged and thought it was to my benifit if he planned on not scouting too much and went about my buisness, blissfully unaware of the pair of Zeals that had just ripped their way through space to find out what my intestines tasted like =(. Before the first Zeal finished I queued another Zeal followed by a Goon the moment my Core came online. A moment later, once the first Khala bandit jumped out of the warp I checked the status of the ones yet to come. Apparently there's this thing called "Psi" and without "Psi" you cannot obtain anymore units. After seeing this revelation I put up two more Pylons. I kinda spent the cash too early in the wrong way but that was because I knew I was going to need early units as I had spied the double Gates earlier and was expecting a rush, only too too early to actually see the Zeals come and go. Besides, my scouting Probe had reached the 3' main and he might need a little micro to stay alive.
I wasn't able to do any real-time scouting and made the Probe do a quick retreat to avoid losing him while not paying attention; now my time was spent making sure a certain pesky Probe didn't mess with the home base too much. Marine had slipped it past while I wasn't looking and it got past the Zeal who was on lone Hold duty at the top of the ramp. While it made an attempt to stop the intruder and single attack isn't exactly enough to flatted a Probe and now it was running wild in my base buzzing over grass, blinking, and other fierce Probe fright-tactics. One of my own miners took up the Zeal's slack and started a merry chase. It was cute and all until the Hold Zeal bellowed that more intruders, serious ones this time, had come to play "Punch Me in the Face Until I Die From Being Punched in the Face". At first it seemed harmless enough, as the Zeal had tried to pass the other Zeal and was dealt a few swift blows, ensuring my dominance for the situation. Then a thrid Zeal didn't think it was fair because, well, he was an ass and started to double team the lone one. Sending in a tide-turning unit, a Probe, which was the most tide-turning unit I had available at the time, I it would be really clever to dance around the Probe for long enough to deal some actual tide-turning damage. Of course this only works when it's one vs. one unit and the Probe plays the rosie in that one game about dancing rings around something or other, if the Probe isn't attacked, and if reenforcements don't arrive. Well, It turns out I'm not a very lucky person. During this surprise rush (which is strange seeing how I expected it >=\ ) I started placing more Gateways around to help bolster the defending fighters. One Gate simply wasn't going to be enough, and I was going to attempt to buy some time with a new brand-spanking new Zeal. If anything at all worked out in my favore from this point on the game still might be winable. Ha. My fucking chobo's prick of a partner turtled because he clearly knew all about the old adage of "if you let yourself get divided you simply can't be conquored." I guess it's my fault for not disc'ing right then and there.
About then I took a glance over my base to find several buildings going up but don't have the time to click each one to make sure I know what and where it is, I have microing to do. To me this is apparently good because new buildings means there's more things he'll have to waste later on. As his first wave of extra blade-skaterz (shut up) coming a waddlin' in the shortly awaited Dragoon blunders into the scene in all its Goliath-like glory! Hazza, my prayers were answered! Well, one at any rate. If only Marine's computer would suddenly explode like so many of my Probes had done and possibly wound him in a fatal manner I'd be on a roll >=D. By rallying more Probes to the cause, using re-enforcements as the came, and making a dancing goon of myself things progressed.
How to Deal With Getting Raped
About this time I checked my base to be sure I knew what's going up, what's going down and adjust by tactics accordingly. Ok, with that said, let's all pause for a moment. Blank, think blank, that's what my mind was at this particular moment. "Oh, for whatever reason?", you ask? I fucking tell you; he built a Shield Generator in the middle of my crappy base! Because of my earlier neglegence he now had the means to make his units last twice as long as mine. Lesson learned: suspect everything to be unfriendly even if its your own shitty shit. As quickly as I found it shocking, enraging, and mortifying I dismissed it. Come on, I have "pubbie skillz" and dispite my boasts they wern't going to improve enough in the next seven seconds to even expect to win. This was really just for a little experiance with agianst good players (which are really running thin with wc3 about the gaming world). I queued more Zeals and Goons from my three Gates and by now Marine was pumping pure Zeals from his trio of spatial distortion entrances. The battle raged back and forth for a while in a similar fashion with my "advantage" of quick re-enforement capability via the battle actually being in my front yard, I was starting to slowly whittle him down. This all changed as the frequent Zeal hits against the Pylon powering two of my Gates accomplished the task and left them Unpowered and I noticed just how many Probes had been thrown away. With a half baked economy backed up by a dwindling rag-tag army I was sure things couldn't get worse. Haha, joke's on me I guess. HT arrived in full oozing force of pure Hydras and I used the remaining fighters under my control to pick Marine's little Lots off the field. By now I called out to my partner to counter attack for about the fifth time now that both opponents were commited to pounding my loud ass into the ground. I don't think he knew how to type, otherwise he would have at least said something idiotic like "partners a newbie, ally me nwo!!1 my record is of vital importense to my self esteam and i dun wan ta loose on it". But no, not even that. It was total silence. But even though communically impared, Nob tried get me to laugh by sending a up a "rescue" militia. Well, whether or not it was supposed to make me laugh, that's the effect it got. Somehow the force was dangerously close to falling under the might of a single damaged Zeal, and probly would have gone down like a 10 cent whore had it not been for the efforts of the lone Medic. HT's Hydras quickly righted that wrong, so all was well in the world again. Meanwhile I was able to squeeze a single Probe out. Pair that with a little over 600 minerals banked and I could still have a narrow chance to live long enough to quit the game instead of taking the humiliation of being forced out of the conflict.
The game rushed along to a chillingly violent end as Nob's papermache defense he had sacraficed my base for fell like... well yeah, papermache. That whole game fell to pieces rather predictably and, like I said before, I don't like losing even if there's no other choice. Sure, it'd be nice to say "Oh, I'm a good loser, I don't mind" and all that bullshit but hell, I'd still be upset if it were Tsu or IntoTheRain that beat me >=\. GG no RE!
Game Two: the RE
Map:
Neo Lost Temple
Defending Champions:
HnR)ht randoms into Zerg once again and this time around he really does brand the blue banner at 12'.
MaRiNaGe selects (i think) Zerg and comes in as brown at 6'. If you really wanna call yourself a StarCraft freak you'd notice that the colors and positions are the same as last game, but you didn't. For shame. =(
Team Chobo's Return:
One_Simulacrum, otherwise known as "who?" or "your unquestionable master" (take your pick), gets to take charge of the honorable Templar and the only new color yet to be seen at the 9' main. While this place hadn't been the luckest starting spot I felt comfortable in familiarity.
pC[blue] (also pc/PC) gets the only Terran of the game. Now if history teaches us anything it's that a situation with the same tools in the same environment with the same people tends to get the same results. Well, I told history to cram it. I wanted a win, and I wanted it badly. PC had shown himself not to be of the normal pubbie variety by not leaving after seeing my record (which was 5-8-0 thanks to some previous games gone horribly wrong).
I got off to a split second late start, but besides that someone might have made the astute observation that we had all been using the same notes on how to clone. With an unusually steady hand due to the last game (it's how I get mad, I get quiet and calm =\ ) and knowing I was going up against the exact same opposition my heartbeat stayed at an even level, much unlike the rest of my life. I usually get a jumpstart just imagining the kind of world class enemies that could be lurking in the dark that pointed and clicked little mouse machines, but this time was different. It left me with an empty feeling, one that needed to be filled, so I turned off the AC (allied chat, not air conditioning) and tried to strike up a conversation with the local riffraff. It started off light enough on the subject of how we were all faring in life's little monotonus game called "the day" but nobody else wanted to play along. I started to pout about various things that had happened and my general state of ever-present depression with the same effect and got a tad bit farther behind in Probe training which only made things worse. Just to make sure I wasn't alone in the depths of uncomforable awkwardness I turned the AC on (again, not air conditioning. I wish, though. it's like a fucking inferno in my house) and shared the secret with my partner that we were going up against the one and only .High+Templar.. Whether he was frightened, excited, or simply didn't know what I was talking about is unclear because he didn't say anything about it. If I had to guess I'd pick the latter due to him being a pubbie and all =/. Anyway, Marine's scouting Ovie parked its fat self over a Nexus while HT's own was a little later in accomplishing the same deed elsewhere. Giving away his race and position I felt little need to scout in that direction and a Probe was sent hover-hiking to the 12' highlands. Being too busy to do anything but macro some buildings early on I didn't notice a yellow painted SCV going in the same direction, defeating the reason the Probe was going that way in the first place. MeanwhileI set up a Double Gate opening this time to stave off rubbish rushes (and let the competition know I was doing just that) I set in for a longer game this round. HT set up for a rush anyway, finishing a 10pool BO at two and half minutes into the game and sending the Lings directly towards PC's base despite the fact that both of us had a peon milling around his base and saw the whole thing unfold. PC's SCV followed the sixpack down but not before bagging a Drone. At seeing that, the Probe got on the offensive bandwagon and got a pair of kills, too. Now I started to get ideas about the seriousness of the opposition but made no comment and just kept playing.
Defense + Counter > Offense
PC had packed his ramp with SCVs to provide a wall between a still-rallying group of Marines and the oncoming Swarm, a quick and efficent counter thanks to the fore-knowledge of a "surprise" rush. In a quick and violent skirmish the Lings popped like Zergy kernals of corn beneith the might of Fusion Cutters and Rifles, and HT was quickly reduced to a 9 Drone force with minimal cash and his Gas flow completely stopped while attmpeting to rebuild a non-laughable force off a single Hatch and tech it up to Lurkers. Somehow and for some reason things went horribly wrong for him. PC now had a pair of pumping Raxes (Raxi? [it's an old joke, i know. stfu]) and counterd with all available infantry buffed by a handful of SCVs. Seeing this, I sent my own forces to finally give insult to injury instead of being the one who recieves it. Another battle quickly followed, as well as the demise of 2/3 of HT's Drone count. Lings were produced, Lings were sent and, well, a lot of Lings died while PC set up a cheese Bunker next to the Hydra Den and filled with the remaining Marines. Knowing the base was all but lost HT took his three crippled Drones, a handful of minerals, and what dignity remained and buzzed his way to Marine's pad, expecting to crash there for the night or rest of the game, whichever ended first. I assumed a new Hatch was being grown. Surprise!
Though a small personal victory had been won (one if which I think was handed to me, but let's not get technical, ok?) I knew the battle wasn't quite over. We still had a good player's base to smash/destory and he had been powering for some time. Even with the pair of us this could end in an unfortunate butt whoopin', but I had faith in my partner's skill not to turtle and screw me royaly just to screw himself twice as good, so things wern't really as grim as they could be. I jumped up to Archives and +1 attack to capitalize on the strange gas buildup that always happens to me while PC brought up a pair of Factories, and Marine jumped to a Sunken defenese, Ling Lurking offense, and expansion.
Hell Breaks Loose After My IQ Drops Farther Than Normal
When the Lurkers came knocking on my front gate I was kinda happy to have had taken the time to place a Pylon-Cannon combo to counter just this sort of attack on that specific area durring previous breaks in fighting, otherwise I'd be Red Ribbons (haha, DB joke for all you really pathetic people out there besides me). With that Cannon, a few unranged Goons (i thought it was a good time to start researching Range about now) blocking the way and several recalled Zeals I held my ground. My partner was running high off his Marine/SCV attack and tried to do the same thing. There was a slight difference: this time the Zerg was fighting back and had had enough time to build a suitable defense while backing it up with anti-infantry. The Marines and Lurkers turned tail around the same time and attempted containment in place of wholesale destruction. It didn't really work out for either of them, and Marine turned his sights on PC after a sixLing strike revealed no established Detection. That fall to pieces as well as a Tank-SCV combo broke the Ling assault and all the retreating Marines made it home. More Lurkers were called in, but their lives were brought to a quick end as a Sieged Tank rained death from above. I had spotted a lone Marine still near the 6' valley during all this and sent in a Goon trio, which I adptly labeled Curly, Lary and Moe. These stooges all attempting to restore a containment on Marine when PC asked if I was getting Observers yet. I said no, as my BO smelled more like an Archive than a Observatory. He was a bit skeptical but I had faith that High Templar would serve better than things that wern't High Templar. I knew he was thinking more towards keeping the containment operating rather than a full scale battle so I brought a Probe down, after starting a new Nexus at my natural and Stargate in the main, for Cannon warping. With Lurkers running about we really needed front-line Detection and it was the best way I could think of. Now all we needed was a little time, but that's exactly what we didn't get. As soon as the first Pylon had completed Marine's force rolled out and laid some fierce smackdown. With my investment gone sour, I ordered a withdraw and began warping Cannons at my natural to prevent the same thing from happening there. With a few second's delay from Marine probing PC's heavy Tank defense I was able to get a few of those things online and my doubted Templar into position for the upcoming melee.
A lone Ling spearheaded the attack and showed that I only had a few Zeals and a single Cannon at the front, when in reality there was a second Cannon ready a moment later and the pair of Templar well within casting distance while Cannons and Goons hogged the cliff. To me life was so good right now I could die a happy young man. Well, maybe just watch someone else die. Yeah, I'd probly still be happy if someone died in front of me. It would suxors pretty hard if I kicked the bucket right before I served Marine his own ass on a platter with a side dish of "suck it". But I didn't and no one else did either, so life was very good.
My forward Zeals were low on health from the earlier encounter with Lurkers at the gate and quickly went up in a puff of mystic smoke instead of blood and gore like every other bio unit in the game. The Cannons and Goons all opened up together and began issuing cupons for free HORRIBLE PAIN and AWFUL DEATH to all Marine's units. Such nice guys, but even they were outdone by the welcome those High Templar put out. I checked their mana supply before throwing spells around and noticed that each only had enough for one Storm, then they'd have to wait til the battle was nearly over before being able to make another. Being very careful in selecting targets I prayed that I wouldn't attack the natural's Assimilator or a simmiliar great feat stupidity that I'm so prone to in situations when they're least needed. It seemed to work out, as both Storms ripped the Zerg a new one so large that it rivaled the great Goatse Freak itself. Life was very good. For the moment, at least. Of course my patented "Skillz of the Foo!" took command from there. Fearing the arrival of unfriendly re-enforements like last game I decided not to take any chances and merge the Templar instead of waiting for five seconds and getting another two storms. Also, a dozen Probes were diligenty following previous orders to start mining the natural and had now just arrived while a trio of unDetected Lurkers were still... lurking about >.o...
Wait, there's more! In a bad attempt to utilize the Archon's splash attack I ordered an assault on the Assimilator at once! The Goons had arrived late, as per their usual procedure, and hit an already wounded Lurker once before it was able to reburrow itself next to that gas-sucking machine with only 4(!!) health left. It was only natural that I think the Archon is more than enough for the job. Sadly, it deals about 150 damage to the Assimilator before I notice that its not working. During that little wonder blunder I thought I had found the location of the other two beasts and somehow tricked a Goon to stand near them. The Archon came raging back and pounded on the poor bewildered fool until he died a lonely, tragic, useless death. Shortly afterwards the Archon boomed its goodbye, too. Now I was sad. Forcing the last Dragoon to draw fire I order a full Probe retreat.
It's a good thing the game wasn't riding on me. PC had been powering something fierce and now had command of a full Marine and Tank army dotted with SCVs constructing Turrets in Marine's valley entrance to retake that containment he so badly wanted. Well, seeing that he had things covered for a while and I had a bit of rebuilding to do I ignored it for the time being and started to macro again. By then I noticed the silent Corsair that had been sent southward into Marine's base was still alive. The choice was to either watch building warp or dance around with the little bugger, and I was feeling like some hard core booty shakin'. While being able to cause distress amung the floating behemoths the Corsair also gave minor spotting to the Tanks residing next the cliffs. Arclite rounds came down in waves and ripped a tidy hole in the defending Hive Cluster. Seeing no way to victory, Marine traded GG's and bowed out.
Yeah, I know there was supposed to be a third game. You don't need to read about it. It was pretty much me and pubbie getting a hardcore education, kinda like the first game to the fifth power. I'd rather not talk about it. Besides, I forgot to save the replay. But I'll leave you with something a little bit more interesting. I joined a pubbie "2v1 comp" game with a map dubbed "Untitled Scenerio". Those kinds of maps always grab my attention because they're often the product of a special breed of newbie, the kind that knows how to make a map but not give it a name. When I entered I wasn't really impressed with the other player, but our in-game conversation was a bit strange. While going double-Gate I got 6ling rushed by the comp and, with the help of infinetly inferior AI targeting, lost my entire Probe force while dealing minimal damage to the feindish Lings. Shortly afterwards my partner gave this bone-chilling war cry:
Thank you and goonnight.
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