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"~LeLa~ and I_Hate_Medics aren't the same person. They live in the same town. It is called a very good ISP. "
-WilliamWC3


The Report Heard 'Round the World
View or Add Comments (# of comments thus far: 52)
Author:PooHandler
IP:adsl-35-XXXX
Date: 11/02/02 08:11
Game Type: Warcraft 3
Labels:none
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Report Rating: 4.0, # of Ratings: 1, Max: 4, Min: 4
Lifetime Rating for PooHandler: 7.3125

Yo, I doubt anyone remembers me on this site, but I used to post Starcraft BR's for a while. They were pretty decent I guess. Anyway, once War III came out I said "Fuck SC" and went to War III. After I got used to playing it, I figured I would start writing some BR's for this game instead. Unfortunately I forgot all the HTML from back in the day and I had to catch up on some guide reading before I could start this piece of shit. But it all came back to me when I started writing it and I think this one came out pretty good, lemme know what you guys think.

The game started out as any other game would. Jappy1034 built a bunch of guys that mined gold and wood. RealUgly69 didn't make any more than he started out with and went for infantry units for an early infantry rush. Jappy1034 was just minding his own business when RealUgly69 popped out his first few offensive units and gathered them up to get ready to go for the attack. He rushed in within 4 minutes of the game with a group of the first offensive unit you can build with whatever race he was. It was really cool because that battle didn't last long. Jappy1034 had a sniper affoot in a tower and he was hiding inside the trees and shot every one of RealUgly69's units down before they could do too much damage. All they did was kill a few workers, and Jappy1034 quickly replaced them. No major harm done on that attack.
So RealUgly69 sulked for a while and played some Jenga while he built a few more infantry units, but not really trying that hard. He also thought it would be a good idea to make a "Hero Bake Oven" and make a hero. I will just call it an Archmage because when u tell one of them to do something they say "FUCK!". And I like that. So RealUgly69 started building one of those within a few minutes proceeding his first shitty attack.
Meanwhile, over in the uh.......14 o'clock position of the map, Jappy1034 already built himself a hero, which was a guy that had a big hammer. So he took one of those, and a bunch of guys with bows and arrows, and a Meat Wagon, and headed over to RealUgly69's base, who at this point was completely unprepared for an attack. Jappy1034 encountered a few Creeps on his way, and only lost one "Bow and Arrow" guy which wasn't bad at all. So he gets to RealUgly69's base and kills everything there, or he would have if it wasn't for a bunch of little guys that fought off the attack.
So Jappy1034 managed to destroy RealUgly69's whole base except a Barracks. At this point I figured it was over, but then I saw a flash of light from across the country and VOILA!, RealUgly69's base was back, and even bigger than before. But I read in the newspaper that he died doing Warcraft III cheat magic, so at that point RealUgly69's brother took over. And everyone knows that the only person uglier than RealUgly69 is his brother. But in the mean time, whileRealUgly69 was rebuilding and restocking on his units, Jappy1034 was taking his sweet ass time building up a huge fuckin army to go over and completely humiliate RealUgly69. (Mind u Jappy1034 has no idea that RealUgly69 used Warcraft III cheat magic.)
So they both get these huge fuckin armies and go out to attack eachother. And their armies are pretty equal in size and units. Jappy1034 has a bunch of arrow guys, and some guys with meat cleavers and shit. He also has a bunch of flying units that hit a tree on the way to RealUgly69's base and die of a tumor. So aside from those, Jappy1034 manages to squeeze out a couple last minute magic assholes who probly play Magic the Gay-thering too much.
RealUgly69 also has some flying guys, who managed to avoid hitting a bunch of trees. He also had a guy with lighting, and a bunch of guys with muskets. He did have a couple guys that looked like fire and water. I think they are elementals. Well, ele-MENTAL is what they were...get it?!?! AHAHAHAHAHA.. ahem. Anyway, the reason I say that is because the got into a fight, and the water jumped on top of the fire guy and put him out, but then go to hot and evaporated, so that was the end of that.
Now that u know both of these guys have the units that they have, they meet up and have a big battle, and u know how those go. First the little stupid guys that can't do very much damage die because they suck. So their fat asses just smack the ground. I mean, I love watching those guys die, it's just the funniest thing I have ever seen. I could view it....not even days; weeks I could watch it, slow mo, fast mo, backwards, forwards. I could watch it so many times. I could listen to to audio all day in the car.... "flop...flop....flop......flop.....flop..flop.............flop". And after it got really old, I would wait like a week and it would be brand fuckin new again.
Yeah, so now those assholes are dead, the hero think it is time to fight. But Jappy1034 also have to worry about those flying guys, so he send a bolt of lightning with his....um......baracks down from the heavens and strikes the flying things dead. That is when the whole battle stops and they have chicken wings for a few mins. Then they get back at it.
Jappy1034's hero started kicking everything's asses because that guy is a Jap and they can win anything they want cuz they are Japs. So he wins the battle and proceeds on to RealUgly69's main and starts tearing that up, but then RealUgly69's miners come out of the golden tavern thing and kick all of Jappy1034's unit's asses because RealUgly69's units were drunk and couldn't feel any pain, therefore couldn't lose hit points. So after that, they got really mad, and when u are drunk and mad u do really crazy things. So the drunk miners walk out right in front of the base a construct a really fuckin gigantic catapult and put a rock that is the size of my fat Italian ass on it. They crank that bitch back and launch the rock across the whole map and crush Jappy1034's base down into the firey underworld.
Even though Jappy1034's main was sent to the underworld to burn eternally, he still had a base at an expansion that I was too lazy to mention earlier. So while RealUgly69's drunk ass is looking for Jappy1034's other base, Jappy1034 makes 4 new hero making buildings and makes like, a lot of heroes. Now I thought this was gonna be enough to take out RealUgly69's base, but on the way there Jappy1034's units got lost in the woods and ended up eating eachother like the movie "Alive". Except Jappy1034's units were only out there for 5 minutes, whereas in "Alive" they were out there freezing in subzero temperatures.
Now I thought this was the end of the game and I was getting ready to leave, but then I heard this wierd sound. See, it seems that when Jappy1034 was sent to hell, the devil didn't like him. I know now that the devil doesn't like Japs at all. Or Italians at that. Who can blame him? So now he is stuck down there with this WAR III Jap for eternity. What is he gonna do? I'll tell u. He throws Jappy1034 back into our world and then reaches up and crushes RealUgly69's base with one hand. Maybe because he tried to send Jappy1034 to hell, or maybe because he is just so fuckin ugly! Either way, your winner is......

RealUgly69


Well there you have it folks. Another wonderful report from the ever popular PooHandler. Please let me know what you thought about it. You can E-Mail me at LegalyzSktbrding@aol.com or IM me at WopHimself and let me know how you feel about this report. Peace out.




















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