School3d

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Disclaimer: this report is Vanilla Starcraft.  It contains no useful strats and is played on a map that will cause you all to reel in shock.  This is not the EV:N report you're looking for.  It does not feature Xds-grrrr.  If you find n00bs amusing, by all means, view the report.  If the above link for some inexplicable reason failed to work, the URL for the report is: http://www.battlereports.com/users/el_sux0r/school3d.htm

School3d

[Note: This report best viewed at with normal character size]

What's that you say?  You're checking in to BR.com from school?  You want to hear a tale?  Well then, I have just the tale for you.  No, no, my boy, you won't learn any strategies from it.  You won't see exotic, or even socially acceptable maps.  It is simply . . . a tale.

This is a tale of schooling.  It is a narration of war, and its perils.  A story of ups and downs, triumph and tragedy, elite and lame.  This is a fable of Ownage.  This is a tale of Old-School Starcraft.

Our story starts with the humble beginnings of a n00bfest.  The crafty and low-rent Zerg had recently dispatched an agent to secure a money map for their own ends, and he was of course opposed by an assortment of rag-tag ne'er do wells, of unfathomable sexual orientation and unaccountable taste.  All of these scoundrels professed to be 'newb,' and I of course did as well.  Don't look at me like that, boy, try going two years without tasting war and then being thrown on the front lines.  You've got to learn everything all over again.  And as you'll soon see, it was entirely fair.

Ultimately deciding, due to my apparently clueless question, that I was a 'true newb' as opposed to a newb of the 'i suck' variety, |)ark_Lion and crallagio opted to place me on the opposing team as more players showed up.  No doubt this shrewdness had contributed to his 120+ wins, despite his being a 'newb.'  I had gamely agreed to a 3v2, but at the last minute, Jewish_Saint joined the game.  No rules were agreed upon.  After considerable jockeying around before combat, wherein over a dozen alliances were formed and broken, and the Host of the Battle seemed to have an apoplectic fit, the first few probes hit the ground.  Game on. 

The final team up featured |)ark_Lion, henceforth referred to as Brown, crallagio, or Red, and gen.stukov, or Orange, on one side.  In honor of |)ark_Lion's witticism, these three shall be collectively referred to as Team 'I Suck.'  On the bottom, Team True Newb consisted of myself, n08 (Purple), and our last-minute ally Jewish_Saint (White).

Surely, with everyone adamantly trumpeting their n00bishness, it was a safe bet that the early game would be uneventful.  Yet, no sooner had the first structures begin to take shape, than treachery was evident.  White's crafty tactic of building offensive pylons in the center was noticed by a patrol of Brown zerglings, who proceeded to destroy the defenseless structures, much to the bewilderment of their owner.  'WTF dude,' and many other elegantly delivered missives flashed before my face.

Jewish_Saint, determined to throw away the latter part of his namesake before being forced to leave, issued forth a torrent of profanity that had curiously little effect on the offending brown zerglings.  Ah well, c'est la guerre.  Having put words to his impotence, he quit the game, apparently convinced that an army of probes could do nothing against the combined might of two zerglings rampaging through his base.

Astute readers will be shocked, shocked, to see the Brown overlord floating over Jewish_Saint's nexus in the replay.  Why, of course that doesn't mean anything, my dear n00b.  Just ignore the large brown balloon that has been transmitting your each and every move to the enemy.  No, no, don't build any units with that Gateway.

While White was proving himself to be First among Noobs, his allies had not been completely idle.  Opting to power rather than build lings, I had sent a scouting OL in each direction.  Upon seeing the edge of a red structure, the OL pulled back, so as not to give away my position.  Unfortunately, this fine micro was soon to be rendered utterly pointless.

For the cunning of Team 'I Suck' did not end with a few early zerglings.  Taking a cue from White, Red also built offensive pylons in the middle of the map.  Unlike our ally, he improved upon the design by ringing the pylons with photon cannons.

Like any self-respecting n00b, n08 fortified his choke.

I know what you're thinking at this point, boy.  You're thinking, 'how come you didn't scout with ground units?'  Unfortunately, I would soon ask myself this very question, with disastrous results.

Yes, in a move worthy of the Truest of N00blings, I had allowed the enemy to cannon me in.  A group of 8 lings sent out to find mischief instead found swift death at the hands of the Offensive Pylon crew.

Undeterred, I continued to build in my main.  But Red's audacity knew no bounds.  My first hint of real trouble stirred me from my after-class reverie.

A moment while I comment on the situation, please.  On most maps, building cannons is a gross waste of resources that could be better spent, as offensive cannons can be easily squelched if the victim becomes aware of the crime.  On a money map, building cannons comes at virtually no opportunity cost, and offensive cannons are a sound strategic move against clueless n00bs.

This, of course, does not speak well of my prowess.  A full-scale micro war ensued, with me attempting to build enough troops to overcome the cannons.  But, as randompubbie once sagely noted, photon cannons are like the heads of mythical Greek hydras - destroy one cannon, and two pop up.  Killing off the probe bought me a brief respite, but fresh probes were immediately sent to begin the onslaught anew.  My one consolation, small as it was, was that my line of defensive sunkens was far forward enough to protect my crucial tech buildings.  Despite the slaughter of many, many zerglings who died for the righteous cause of Team True Newb, I was eventually without my extra hatches.

During this exchange, n08 cannoned more, and built more at his choke.

With expansion via OL drop looking increasingly attractive, I researched drop tech.  During this time, I was forced to fend off even more sillyness as Brown commented that I had fallen to their schemes, and attempted to attack by constructing offensive sunkens.  Two destroyed creeps later, he thought twice - but he left a drone amidst the cannons, just in case.

Orange, seeing the success of his comrades, decided to build - you guessed it - cannons.  Realizing that sucking was by no means restricted to Team 'I Suck,' n08 began the construction of an army.

Eventually, n08 decided that he could tolerate the photonic tyranny of Team 'I Suck' no longer.  His army assembled, he began to attack enemy buildings.

In a surprising, yet satisfyingly logical move, n08 bypassed the cannons, and waltzed right into the enemy base - where no defenses awaited him.  Realizing that he could not kill all of Red's probes (for Red had a probe amongst the cannons in my base), n08 opted to wreak maximum havoc on Red's tech, leveling the base.

At this point in time, my trusty OL ferried two drones to the top left base, to begin a new life.

Realizing that no major ground offensive was likely coming to finish me off, I amused myself while waiting for the new base to build by researching upgrades, growing a Spire, and teching to Hive.

I also accumulated a small surfeit of minerals.  =/

After cleaning out Red's base, n08's Purple Pimp Squad decided to see what other fun there was to be had, and promptly razed the equally undefended Brown main.

Orange remained safe for now, behind many, many rows of cannons.

Attaining Spire tech, I researched furiously, putting a second spire in my new base.

What's that, boy?  You want to see the brown base razed?  It's nothing special.  Blood everywhere, the usual.

Another offensive push by n08 met with less success, as the Orange cannon web proved to be too much.  Purple settled for clearing out the Orange base that had sprouted up on the south of the map.

However, it was at this time that a plan formed in the dark recesses of my mind.  If Orange had so many cannons out front, and Red was rebuilding in the Orange main, how much room did Orange have left in his main for cannons?

More to the point, did Orange have cannons in his main?  Surely, after the spanking n08 had administered to his two allies, Orange would have placed some defense in his main . . . right?

I decided I would chance it.  Not wanting to wait for a greater spire to morph, I gathered four control groups of mutalisks, and prepared for my assault on the citadel of Team 'I Suck.'

I floated in unopposed, soon encountering the two Nexii of Red and Orange, joined in brotherly love.  Or, if not that, curiously close to each other.

Trusting the upgraded splash damage to make quick work of the probes, I targeted each Nexus in succession.

I thought I had seen an end to the terror, but a final, sinister surprise awaited me in the depths of the enemy base.

As I attack-moved south, giant, chartreuse, profane BLIMPS greeted me!  No words could contain my horror.

I quickly eliminated the two Carriers.

With the demise of their superweapons, Orange and Red left the game faster than T_mac at a straight bar.

The game was ours.

I sent a message to n08, thanking him for saving the game from my rampant n00bishness, and logged off to begin the BR.

A few lessons for returning players, such as myself:

1.    Scout by ground.

2.    Build troops early.  The opportunity cost of building them is not so great compared to the benefit.  Slight benefit, big risk.

3.    As Nixon once said, "I am not a crook."  No, really.  It's in the ALT-text.

4.    If you find yourself consumed with the need to BR for the first time in years, ask funnymarx for replays first.

This has been an el_sux0r presentation.  The replay is here.  Learn about In Nomine here.  The precursor to Everquest is here.

Total time spent, including picture editing: 6 hours.