From the looks of it, Thatsthestuff is doing a combination tank/infantry build up. How else can you explain an Academy at 5 minutes in without a ComSat until 7:30 ? Anyway, he quickly builds 2 factories with machine shops as well as a Starport and Control Tower, probably going for a drop.

Wr@th's build order consists of building another SCV to annoy us with ;)

Both myself and Thatsthestuff scouted each other with SCVs early on, although mine was able to penetrate his "signature wallin" ;). Fortunately, his SCV reached my base a tad too late, after I had already set up my wall. This deprived him of recon for a good deal of the game, and set us up for the next extra-crispy section:

EARLY GAME CONFLICTS (read=I am a moron)

Several minutes into the game, I parked 2 SCVs at my opponent's natural. My plan? Tank him. I already had my ebay on the way for vision, and I sent several marines out for supporting fire. A wrench is thrown in my plans, however, when Wrath decides to dance his SCVs past mine in the most non-heterosexual way possible.

Ass. My marines arrive, my bunker and turret are built, and the 2 tanks who volunteered (They want to drop the hammer and dispense some INDISCRIMINATE JUSTICE! HELL YEAH!) are on the way. Upon arriving at my little encampment, they immediately siege, putting the vision my ebay gave them to good use. But first, they demolish Wr@th's 2 homosexual French-Canadian SCVs, plunging his mouse turd-size brain into horrendous rage (not like I cared...)

My tanks quickly turn their attention to more pressing matters. Both of those bad boys open fire on some of the outer buildings on Thatsthestuff's base, causing a CC he built there to be lifted, and razing a depot to the ground. Unfotunately, my giddy fun was soon interrupted by the arrival of Thatsthestuff's tank militia. Using high ground to their advantage (and because my drunk tank drivers tend to have accuracy problems...), he ravages my force like Matt on speed shish-ka-bobbing Epoch.

Of course, he then loses a dropship full of marines and medics assaulting my one missile turret and tank, turning a terrible miscalculation on my part into a cost-effective time-gaining battle. In a move of tactical intelligence that is roughly similar to what a Jewish Mafioso would do, he decides to leave my turret and tank alone, so I get scouting AND containment at a ridiculously low cost. I evacuate my surviving marines and SCVs, and prepare for the next ( and hopefully less bad manner) phase of the game. Not like this game could possibly end up becoming good manner or anything.

MID-GAME

Mini-map UPDATE

As you can see, Badme has taken his natural and his mineral-only natural. He has switched to dropship/tank production, obviously aiming at a tank drop (no, really?) Badme's main is not very well defended- 2 poorly-placed tanks in siege mode are his only ground defense, while 2 missile turrets are his only air defense. A well-timed and well-placed drop could destroy Badme's base quickly. His natural is even more naked - the only defense being one missile turret. Badme's standing army consists mainly of tanks and dropships, although I've reached several higher branches of the tech tree than Thatsthestuff has.

Wr@th has an army of one whole SCV after his attack on my outpost. His strategy? BM obs mining. Again.

Thatsthestuff has taken only his natural. As both players' mains' are quickly running out of minerals, this puts him at a definite disadvantage. Thatsthestuff has finally taken out Badme's tank/turret outpost at his natural...but he somehow loses a tank and a dropship in doing so (Yay) Methinks he needs to work on his unit control....anyway, Thatsthestuff also appears to be going for a tank drop, however, after losing 2 dropships, he's fairly well behind me in this race. His main is even weaker than Badme's is- a drop on the left part would meet no resistance whatsoever.

So, naturally, Badme drops him on the left half of his main.

Three purple dropships fly across the entire map, careening towards the T_Mac worshipping, ever-not-straight Thatsthestuff. Thatsthestuff throws his keyboard at the wall as Bad's tanks absolutely rape his workers, total his command center, and blow the living shit out of several poorly-microed tanks. Thatsthestuff, proving that his homosexuality is by far more flaming than I originally thought, attacks Badme's dropships with his ONE bad manner Wraith. New tanks eventually beat off Bad's tanks, but his gosu attack caused irreparable, far-reaching damage. Dudeman loses several tanks and 2 dropships. Thatsthestuff loses countless SCVs, his command center and ComSat, several buildings, and is reduced to rely on his natural and the FIVE SCVs there to fuel his plan of Lost Temple Domination. Hax.

LATE-MID-GAME (I'm really beating this 'creating new sections' dead horse now...)

MINI-MAP UPDATE

Badme's purpleness has spread across the map like the slime-blob type things it is, ensnaring his natural, mineral-only natural, and the 3 o'clock main. Starports on the 3 o'clock main spring up, asserting their Battlecruiser powah. Bad now has a nuclear missile silo attached to his mineral-only natural CC, with ghost production up. He's got a random assortment of Terran factory units for defense (Contrary to what Wr@th would say, he was NOT masturbating during this game. I would know.). My bases are suffering from 'Lazy SCV syndrome', as well as the next step in that horrible disease, 'Not-Enough-Miners Syndrome'. Finally, I'm throwing some crap in a poor turbo newbie gambit, aimed at taking out his opponent's only source of income.

Wr@th continues his strategy of 1-SCV Bad Manner Obs Mining. (I've got a feeling he's on to something here. Don't be surprised if you see Boxer and Yellow adopt this mad gosu tactic soon. It's the Starcraft equivalent of drunken boxing.)

Thatsthestuff has basically given up the game at this point, and is just throwing random stuff at His Valiant Enemy at an attempt to beat Said Vailant Enemy's Uber-VaperDefense Defense™. Seeing a chance to screw over Badme , Thatsthestuff gathers his remaining tanks in the center of the map in some kind of disgustingly homosexual tank orgy. Of course, he's kinda screwed when my dropships spot this disgusting unleash of sexual tensions on the way to turbo newbieing his enemy's natural.
Upon realizing he's been made, he hurriedly orders his tank drivers to attack my natural and put some pants on (not necessarily in that order).

On second thought...screw this 3rd person shit. It's taking me longer to change those stupid 'I's than it takes convider to say something intelligent :(

At first, his attack looks like it will easily steamroll over my defense. He encounters my one defensive tank in front of my ramp, and commences to try to rush his tanks within my minimum range. Unfortunately, I had a pair of sieged tanks right next to my natural command center in preparation for a drop. As soon as his tanks move close to my first tank, my other 2 tanks open fire, with devastating results.

Several of his tanks are blown away by the salvos, with many more receiving wounds. Showing just how chobo/wimpy he is, he immediately retreats his tanks UP my ramp, which at this point is defended by a whole 2 marines and 2 ghosts without lockdown.

Unfortunately for me, this attack is timed well for my enemy, as my proud battlecruiser armada consists of ONE BC. Luckily, due to my opponent's horrendous micro (sensing a pattern here?), it's enough to thrash and trash the entire attack. My losses: 1 tank, 1 SCV, 2 marines, 2 ghosts, 1 missile turret, and 2 Supply Depots. Thatsthestuff losses: ELEVEN Siege Tanks, nearly his entire standing army. Here's a hint, Thatsthestuff - attacking a Battlecruiser with alot of tanks that can't even hit the damn thing generally isn't all that helpful. Hell, even someone as stupid as Mattzarella knows this.

At the same time as all these epically amazing events were unfolding, I launched my own scheming attack (cue thunder, lightning, and evil music). Remember those dropships that spotted Thatsthestuff's pseudo tank push? Both of them unload their deadly cargo on top of DrugAddict's natural's cliff, threatening his only source of income.

Astoundingly (or maybe not, if you've been following this battlereport) Thatsthestuff's defense of his most important base and resource is....1 tank. 1 tank with Six hitpoints. After losing one tank to his STELLAR defense, I move my remaining turbo newbie tank outside of range before sieging and raining explosive death down on my opponent's hapless miners. When all is said and done, my opponent has one remaining mining SCV outside of my tank's range. Maybe in a hour he could save up enough money to buy a hamburger from his Command Center's food court or something.

Surprised that my opponent still had some fight left in him, I quickly send a retaliatory Science Vessel to his natural on a mission of extreme importance. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I notice 3 brown dots on my mini-map, moving quickly for my natural. A quick check on my natural a minute later reveals it a smoldering ruin, the casualty of the tanks in said dropships. I would say 'touche' right about now if I was French.

Of course, this isn't an average gamer we're talking about. This is Thatsthestuff , and he displays his disregard for common sense by neglecting to bring an anti-air in this drop, knowing full well what my army consisted of. With a cry of dismay, Thatsthestuff watches helplessly as the same battlecruiser(s) that raped his last attack proceed to perform the exact same procedure on this one. Good job, dumbass.

And what about my Science Vessel of Thatsthestuff Ownage? Ordering him to 'dispose' of NeedleLover's last mining SCV, I belted out the words of my opponent, causing cruel irony to play its horrid part:

Yay for me.

LATE GAME

MINIMAP UPDATE

WHAT'S CHANGED?!?!!?

.......Next to nothing...I still have my mined-out main, my natural, my mineral-only natural, and the 3'oclock main. Thatsthestuff's territory includes his CC less main (it actually has some minerals left on it), and his natural (which has no SCVs mining after my GoGo Gadget Irradiate Attack®). Wr@th's SCVs seem to have gone AWOL, so the only building this evil Canadian has left is his Command Center, floating around the south-east island. The only important change are my Starports, which are now pumping out BattleCruisers like...erm...Battlecruiser factories! Yeah, I'm good.

Just to show how powerful I am at this point in the game (and to add some much needed gratuitous violence to keep some interest in this report) I nuke my opponent's natural :).

It wipes out that 6-hitpoint tank (I'm too scared to assault it directly), the SCVs on vespene, and plunges his Command Center and Refinery into the red zone. My opponent graciously lets these buildings self-destruct, thanks. But as you can see from Wr@th's incredibly gayass quote, old poop-colored-guy has more troubles to worry about (Re-cue maniacal laughter, random lightning/thunder, evil music, the works).

Gathering together every Battlecruiser I can muster, I throw them all at my opponent's main, escorted by my Science Vessel. At Wr@th's signal, I make my grand entrance, in true Badme style
.

Facing the UNSTOPPABLE GOSUNESS of one Wraith (maybe Thatsthestuff was trying to show off his micro?) I nearly make a |]agomarian move and retreat my horribly underclassed Battlecruisers to the safety of my base, but before the order is given, my Battlecruisers wipe out the defense.

Hovering like ominous wedges of doom, my battlecruisers' open fire. The lasers tear into the totally undefended buildings, causing a massive zone of death, destruction, and ownage. During this attack, 3 of my Battlecruisers get DANCE FEVAR! YEAH BABY! In the end, my opponent has one Science Facility left, with which he tries to take over the world with (by...erm...building a physics lab ;) ). But of course, as revenge for all his bad manner obsing, my battlecruisers focus their Yamato Guns on Wr@th's Command Center, blowing it to tiny Canadian-tainted pieces (and kicking him out of the game) before turning their attention on the Facility. Although he tried to flee at the .000000000000000000000000000000000001 inch per hour rate of a flying building, he efforts proved futile as my Battlecruisers' lasers incinerated the building, raining flaming scraps of metal on the surface of the Lost Temple. Truly a fitting end for such a game.

When I first set out to write this Battlereport, I intended it to be covering this one game only. Of course, one must move aside for destiny, and when Dagomar asked me to Battlereport a quick FZN 2v2 from some time ago....I did. Yeah. Of course, I could sum up this game in one or two sentences, involving the phrases 'WORKAR RUSH!!!111one!!' 'OMFG FZN IS 1337' and 'your mom lolz'. Of course, I don't get the instant gold Dag promised me if I don't make an attempt, so what ya gonna do?

The players- Dag, Deon, and 2 pubbies. The map- Lost Temple. The format- 2v2. Gaydar rating? Off the charts.

Daggy drew brown terran at the 12 spot, while Deon snagged yellow terran at the 9 spot. Firestarter opened the game as purple protoss on 6, while Gangsta landed at the 3 spot, wearing very flamboyant orange battle paint on his command center. Mattz probably attempted to hit his mom's g spot while this was going on.

Wait, did I just make another sucky joke inolving mattz?

Yeah, I did. Sorry.

Build up continued as normal, with scouting, etc. Suddenly, deon and dag hit upon a bold plan-they would wipe out both of their opponents with a mass scv attack-no other units, no more building of scvs, nothing. The ultimate humiliation.

Dag rallied his shit-colored Canadian hicks while Deon rustled up his yellow metrosexuals. Meeting at orange's pseudo wallin, those valiant souls engaged in the fiercest worker melee seen in these parts since The NH Newbie Cup. The depraved scvs used their extendable 'implements' in new and exciting ways, resulting in excessively hot, sweaty, scv-on-scv action. When the dust had settled (and the metal Magnums ripped apart) the fearless NHers found themselves the new possessors of massacred base. Oh, whither shall they do for more orgasmic pleasures? Why, purple's base, of course.

This, however, may prove a challenge. Purple's gateways were erect and functioning, while Firestarter's probes hurredly mined to feed his burgeoing war machine. The People's Army of NH marched right into the thick of things, and immediately set to work, eradicating a cannon before it finished warping. Purple's probes fought to the best of their ability, but there was simply no ability to repel the hardcore stylings of scvs searching for some love. A few zealots even poked their nosy heads into all of this...unfortunately for them they were immediately fed dripping hot plasma from the gang of scvs flocking towards them, strangely paralleling mattz's favorite movie.

AHAHA! Sorry, I was watching this replay over again when I noticed something even more pathetic than losing to this scv rush. You see, this whole time Dag and Deon were giving purple's base a dirty sanchez, orange was rebuilding. He actually had 8 or so scvs up and running, a reconstructed supply depot and rax, and the fiery passion that comes only following a horrible embarassment. Firestarter, unable to realize that his base was rebuilt IN SECRET, gave up defending his base and ran his remaining probes back to 9. Nevermind that he was leading 5 or so of deon's scvs along with him. It's funny-he would've helped his team enormously by disconnecting.

Deon left one Scv bck at purple's main in case several more units spawned from purple's mineral stash while dag and deon hurried their collective asses over to orange's main. Astonishingly, those 2 battles had wiped out the majority of the alliance's forces, leaving a minute remainder standing triumphantly...or, at least as triumphantly as they could...as FZN's last hope. This was the breaking point. Could the Defenders of All we Hold Close to our Loins prevent the erection of a bunker and a marine in time? How much more robot whoopie can my audience stomach before they reach for the wastebasket? Why the fuck am I writing this?

Deon's scvs burst forward, bowling over the two enemy scvs placed at the top to protect the rax. Oh, shit! There's a marine under production! Of course, this doesn't faze Our Heores as they Heroically dude the marines with DudeMan Patented Thrusting Action. Orange brought his mining scvs off, and a bunker under construction reared its ugly hea...err...vent slits as he ran interference with his nimblest defenders, desperately playing for time. He didn't have a chance until suddenly a 2nd marine ran past the overeager scvs, behind the wallin. By using 2 of his comrades as fodder, the 5 hp marine held off the lustful advances of his enemies long enough to destroy two of them. It was all over-orange merely had to load the marine into the bunker and...

Uh oh. What's that sticky liquid? Where's my marine?

The cleanup operation was short. Firestarter attempted to build a base at his teammates natural...errr...it died.

Hopefully you enjoyed wasting 15 minutes or so reading these reports. Cookie to whoever counts how many gay references are in the 2nd report ;o. And, of course, what would a report be without the random NH pics/quotes? Enjoy.

Badme's Final Quote of the Day: hi i am small (10:10:31 PM): your name is badme and you are gay, therefore you should be quiet about the lack of mattzarella-named penises