Why I hate Tower Massers

Okay, we kind of got off on the wrong foot. I turned on my caps lock, and mistakes were made. I flew off the handle. but now I will rewrite the report using proper English grammar and spelling. I can only hope the people with power at this website can forgive me and let me post my report.

Anyway, there is one thing I hate in this game. That is, as you may have guessed from the title of this report, tower massers. Now, if any of you had read the previous report, I said that this was a 1v1. That game type, my friends, was a lie. This game is actually an FFA, but I'm only reporting the very last part of the FFA that is a 1v1 between my amazing army and surplus of resources and the tower massing newb, who has a shitload of towers obviously, and a big pot of gold.

Now, our story begins with my mountain king, paladin, and bloodmage, all levels 9-8-8, congregate for the first time in front of blue's base after killing the green night elf, not mentioned anymore within this battlereport.

"That green night elf sure was a newbie. He sucked so much and---" The mountain king was cut off by the Paladin.

"That's enough. We got a situation on our hands. Blue up here is massing towers like some kind of super newb. We're going to have to own him. Own him good!" The paladin was quite up for the up-coming battle, as was the MK.

"Yeah! Let's own these newbies now! Smash them!"

"Not so fast Mountain King! Just look at all those towers!" The bloodmage pleaded with him.



"That doesn't scare me!" The mountain king roared. He activated his avatar and began to run into the battle field.

"Oh damn it! Mountain King! You dumbass! Bloodmage, get the dragon hawks and gryphon riders ready! We got some towers to kill here. Use the cloud!"

"Aye sir!" The bloodmage rallied the warriors while the mountain king began to take hits from the arrows.



The battle raged on. A huge layer of clouds were laid on the battle field. None of the towers could fire, and the gryphons threw down their amazing hammers to totally destroy the towers without a trace. The mountain king threw his hammer at the enemy archmage, who was casting blizzards all over the place. He was soon dead after a few more bashes from the MK's axe.

"AHahaha!" The MK laughed, "It's working! These towers are going down!" But eventually, 30 seconds into the battle, the cloud wore off. There was no more layer to protect the people from the arrows. The gryphons were quickly decimated. Arrows tore into their flesh and sent them to the ground in a bloody explosion.

"No way I'm cleaning up this mess!" The paladin yelled, "RUN AWAY!!!"

The bloodmage and paladin bid a hasty retreat and noticed that the mountain king did not follow them. "Get the hell out of there, MK!" The Bloodmage yelled. But the MK refused to leave in his avatar form.

"No way, I'm not running from a bunch of pussy towers!" The arcanes ripped into his underbody and stole the magical essence from him. The arrows surrounded his armor-plated body were beginning to slow him down. "Awwww, crap!" He said as he finally left.

The only thing left in the army was the heroes and two dragon hawks. They were all low on health and mana due to the mana burning towers and arrows. They headed towards their arcane vault to get some healing. Once there, the bloodmage came up with a brilliant plan.

"Why don't we start massing tanks, guys? There are very good at taking out towers!"

"I don't like the idea of machines doing a man's job." The mountain king responded in a harsh tone, looking despondant from the battle he just lost.

"We have no choice," the paladin chimed in, "MK, the towers are 'owning' us, as they say."

"FINE! Whatever." The mountain king yelled, "Now if you'll excuse me, I'll drink me clarity potions somewhere else."

Five workshops were quickly built at a nearby expansion. Due to the surplus in gold, they quickly massed up a force of 10 tanks in the time it takes to make 2. More gryphons and dragon hawks were trained, as well.

"Now enough being pussies! Let's go smash those towers and rip them a new one!"

They headed into battle again. This time the dragon hawks used cloud on the towers first.



After each tower was fully under a mask of blue dust, the paladin yelled "CHARGE!" and the army went flying in at full force. This time the gryphons specificly attacked only the towers. One volley from all the gryphons meant one dead tower. The mountain king focused his energies on killing the heroes with his storm bolt. The bloodmage used flamestrike on patches of towers while the paladin healed any dragon hawk or gryphon that was running low on life. The expo was eventually cleared of all towers, and the only thing that remained were a few harmless buildings. The force didn't lose a single unit due to the cloud and gryphons.

"All right!" The Paladin declared, "Good work everyone. Bloodmage, send a dragonhawk that way to make sure that there aren't any more expansions. We'll finish up here."

The dragon hawk was sent over the water to the nearby gold mine. And was quickly executed by a series of fully upgraded human archer towers.

"Oh, fiddle sticks."

"AWWWWWWWWW CRAP!!!"



The army regrouped in front of the newly founded base full of towers, more despondant than ever at the fact that there was a whole other base with even more towers in it.

"PUSSIES!" The mountain king yelled into the base. No one yelled back. There was just the cold, blank stare of towers. Lots and lots of towers were staring back at him. They were mocking him! MOCKING, I SAY!

"Calm down, MK, we're just going to need more tanks. Bloodmage, get more tanks. I'll wait here."

"How come I'm always the one doing all the menial, daunting tasks that are supposed to plague the peasants and not the-"

"SHUT UP! Go tell the workshops to make more tanks or I'll smack you with a hammer. We all know you're useless anyway."

The paladin was losing his patience, but the tanks were made and sent to the shanty town that the humans made right outside of the impenetrable fortress of towers.

"Dragon hawks, cast the cloud! Tanks, go in and tear those towers apart as if they were paper! Gryphons, I want you to-"

"No!" One of the gryphons yelled, "No more orders! I can no longer work with this paladin. I demand a transfer!"

"Here's your transfer!" The mountain king lunged a hammer at the bird, causing it to explode in a bloody mess. "Now let's go! GO! GO! GO! GO!"



With the cloud cast, the towers up front were made useless, but the enemy heroes casted AOEs on the tanks which caused problems. The enemy also started to produce gryphons, and the gryphons hammers did decent damage to the tanks hard armor. The tower masser's base was so orginized that the towers within it became trapped within the buildings while they chased the gryphons down because of the barrage upgrade.

"Stop chasing birds and freakin' kill those towers!" The mountain king yelled as he morphed into avatar. He started smashing at an arcane tower since he couldn't get to the enemy heroes because of all the buildings and tanks. The Paladin was kept busy trying to heal the dragon hawks, which the gryphons were trying to kill. All the dragon hawks were using cloud so there were none left to shackle.



"Damn it, the tanks are dying, and they can't get out! The AOE's are tearing them apart and they're trapped inside some narrow building cove!" The bloodmage told the Paladin right after casting a flamestrike.

"RUN AWAY!"

By this time cloud has worn off, and the army was dying. The remaining gryphons and dragon hawks flew to safety but the tanks were trapped and slowly being destroyed. The paladin was trapped among the tanks as well with his divine shield on. The mountain king was still pounding away at towers.

"Paladin!" The bloodmage yelled, "What do we do? You're trapped!"

"Go on without me, bloodmage, Go on! And take the MK with you!"

"I'll never forget you!"

"Just revive me at the altar, yeesh, no need to get gay about it.

The paladin's shield wore off and he was soon killed, as well as all the tanks around him. The bloodmage and MK had run off and are now at the altar, awaiting the return of the Paladin after using a healing scroll.

FAST FORWARD

"All right, I'm back." The paladin declared, "Now those buildings are blocking the towers, and since our tanks are so bulky, we're not going to be able to destroy the towers going the way we came before, so pack up. We're leaving right now to find another route. Take the tanks."

So our heroes and all the tanks and the few air units remaining head off in search of another ground-based route to the base. It didn't take them long to find a huge area to the left of it that allowed entry for a lot of tanks.

"Okay tanks. This is it. I haven't told you this before because I was completely embarassed to tell you, but I have to tell you now. We are completely out of gold. If we don't win this battle, the tower masser wins!"

"WHAT?" The Mountain King roared, "How the hell did we run out of gold?"

"Well apparently they killed our last expo over a long period of time with a single gyrocopter. We don't have enough money to rebuild it since I spent the last 400 gold we had on this scroll of town portal." He heald up the scroll.

"Way to go PALADIN, now we're all going to die because of you!" One of the gryphons scolded him.

"Hey it wasn't my fault! It was...it was...The bloodmage! Yeah! He was in charge of the minimap and he should've seen that gyro!"

"No I wasn't."

Writiers note: Okay, fine, the sound was off and I didn't notice it, okay? I hate myself. Stupid gyro.

"Nevertheless, if we don't win this battle we're screwed. So, everyone, please remember some inspiritation shit some person has told you throughout the course of your meaningless, dismal lives, and GO BEAT THIS WORTHLESS TOWER MASSER!"

The army roared in excitement.

"CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!" The Mountain King yelled as he heald up his axe and headed to the battlefield. "Oh, bloodmage, you don't have to. You're cut."

So all but the bloodmage ran into the fray. The tanks attacked the towers and the paladin was out in front taking all the hits.



Once he ran low on HP he instantly put on divine shield. The mountian king stormbolted the archmage that tried to Blizzard them. The bloodmage stood in the back and cheered them on! The gryphoned fired on clouded towers! It was the greatest battle of all time, and they won! It finally happened! High level heroes and several seige units finally conquered a newbies mass tower strat!



The very last building were being cleaned up when the Mountain King finally got the reviews for the game that the whole world was watching for some unknown reason.

THE END