"Maybe i should try reading the bible for the pornographic parts."
-Punck
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| The Klitschko Man | | | Author: | | | IP: | ip68-109XXXX | | Date: | 09/04/04 03:09 | | Game Type: | Other | | Labels: | none | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 4, Max: 5, Min: 2
Lifetime Rating for -=~Kadabra~=-: 3.7500 |    | Games. Shifting geo-political situations. Economic failure and recovery. It seems like there has been a Battle Report made on just about everything. However, to my knowledge, there has never been a battle report that took place in the world of professional boxing.
For those of you who don't know, Wladimir Klitschko was once considered the "Next Big Thing" by most boxing authorities. Most boxing fans, however, knew better. We knew it was only a matter of time before this fraud was exposed.
At 6 foot 7 inches, and 245 pounds, Wladimir Klitschko certainly looked intimidating. As he bashed bum after bum on a long list of past-their-prime fighters, he had many people believing that he would become the next heavyweight champion of the world. It was not to be. On March 8th, 2003, The "Next Big Thing" became "The Next Big Joke" when he battled a man named Corrie Sanders.
At 38years old, Corrie Sanders was considered to be little more than a trial horse for the young Klitschko. He was an old man who just couldn't seem to make it to the next level in his boxing career. At this stage in his life, he cared more about his golf game than boxing. This was painfully obvious during the weigh-in the night before the fight when Sanders showed up with several dozen jelly rolls hanging off his bloated stomach. Few people thought he would make it out of round one, let alone live through the fight.
Had the young Wladimir only been more polite..... had he only treated his opponent with a shread of dignity before the fight started..... things might have gone differently. The disrespect he showed for Sanders at the weigh-in had given this fight a new meaning to the old man.
To him, it was no longer just another pay day. It was about respect. The man that Klitschko faced that night was completely rejuvenated. He would not go quietly into the night.... no. He was on a mission.
It is with great pleasure that I present to you:
THE KLITSCHKO MAN
A film by David Lynch
"And now Peter Kohl, I introduce to you... the terrible... horrible... KLITSCHKO MAN!!!"
"Remove the curtain!!"
The curtain is removed...
Kohl: "My God... that's the saddest thing I've ever seen!"
"I'm warning you Kohl... he must never, I repeat, NEVER be allowed to know he is an overrated fraud. The shock of it would kill him.
Remember these rules..."
1.)
"Hide him from top opposition..."
2.)
"Award him only FAKE belts..."
3.)
"Only surround him with people who don't know shit about boxing."
Jim Lampley (on the right): "Yes, he is... um... clearly the greatest heavyweight I have ever seen."
"Hmmmmm... I wonder what it's like to fight a REAL boxer."
The Klitschko Man sets off to find out...
"Damnit Kohl, where is he???"
Kohl: "I don't know, he escaped! Last I heard, he was heading off in the direction of Corrie Sanders."
"Corrie Sanders??? Blast you, Kohl! He'll be exposed for sure! We must stop him!!!"
But they're too late...
And as the Klitschko Man lays down to die...
...he fantasizes about his one, true love...
"Never, oh never, nothing will die..."
THE END
Apparently, this report was too small, so the following gibberish was put in at the last minute so the report could be posted.
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